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Sunday, February 14, 2016

Let’s Talk Sex: Because I know you want to know




Here are frequently asked sex questions by people so unlucky they worry about what happens if they do get lucky.  Penis size. Breast size. Sex toys. Favorite positions.  Stop smirking and read on, it’s all here and you need to know.

What percentage of women use sex toys?  In a 22 January 2012 posting on Psychology Today, Gad Saad, PhD (yes a real name) mentions, “In a paper published in the journal of Sexual Medicine, Debra Herbenick and her colleagues surveyed 2,056 women, aged 18 to 60 years old and drawn from a representative national sample, about their use of vibrators (if at all).”  The findings?  52.5% claimed to have used a vibrator in one of three ways:  masturbation, or during intercourse, or with a partner as part of foreplay.

I ran a survey of my own. I have found, however, that when approached by a stranger on the street and asked if they use sex toys, women are most likely to use Mace.  My follow-up question about the possibility of a demo frequently results in loud blasts on a whistle and injurious blows to delicate parts of the body.

What percentage of women prefer a large penis?  Rachael Rettner writes in Live Science, June 04, 2014:   (to paraphrase) It depends.  41 women were asked to view and handle blue penises produced on a 3 D printer.  They ranged in size from 4 inches long and 2.5 inches in circumference to 8.5 inches long and 7 inches in circumference.  Their picks:  Circumference matters and for one-night-stands, the bigger the better. For long-term relationships, the women preferred lesser girth.

I'm guessing long-term preference has something to do with not having to go to work with a new excuse for why you walk funny, and why you view stairs with alarm.

I’m also guessing for one night stands, women prefer men who don’t get discouraged after the first three or four climaxes and pack ropes and whips for a game of midnight rodeo.

Do men really prefer large breasts?  This one I can answer without going to some scientific journal.  Men really don’t think too much about the size.  Anything 36 D or more is just fine.  But, let’s delve deeper and look at the science.

Lizette Borreli, writing in Medical Daily, January 27, 2015 has this to say  (I summarize):
Men who prefer large breasts are generally more sexist or very hungry (no, I did not make that up: British study), or more independent, or ready for fatherhood.

How about those who prefer small breasts?  Financially independent, or want a submissive partner.

See, they make it sound all black and white. How about just wanting to have a good time?

 I prefer a large or small breasted submissive, who is financially independent, keeps me very hungry, and thinks a blue 3D penis is silly.

Do men prefer loose vaginas or a fist-like grip that makes your eyes bulge and your swollen tongue stick out?  We call that second one the ‘testicles are fearful expression.’ Logan Hill, wrote in Cosmopolitan, March 26, 2014 pretty well summed it up:  “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”

Pithy, but it doesn’t answer the question.  In the first place, it depends on whether you’re going to use a sex toy during intercourse…..just saying.

What is your favorite sex position?  Casey Gueren, writing in Women’s Health,  September 29, 2014 lists men’s favorites:  Doggie Style, Cowgirl, and Missionary.  How come?  Doggie feels more naughty.  Great view.  More intense. Cowgirl lets her really get into it and you can play with her breasts. Missionary because it feels warm and natural and you can turn your head and watch the ballgame.   Ok, I made that last one up.

How about the ladies?  What’s their favorite?   From Aly Walansky, writing in Ask Men and referencing Emily Morse, author of  Hot Sex:  Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight. (Damn that woman has endurance!)

With women it gets complicated.   Missionary. Missionary variation, legs pulled up and resting on man’s chest. Doggie Style 1, stacked spooning, Doggie Style 2, pillow under pelvis.  Doggie Style 3, flattened doggie.  Woman on top.  Woman on top, with the man sitting on a chair.  The respondents left out woman on top while doing the hokey-pokey.

They also left out, woman thinking about new curtains, while ignoring her partner’s jackhammer thrusts and Olympic-like performance.

Why did the women pick ‘em?  Missionary, more of a connection and eye contact. (I’m guessing these women prefer floodlights to quiet darkness.) Legs up Missionary gives great clitoral contact and everybody gets a great view. Spooning Doggie Style 1 provides more body contact, a rocking motion and great stimulation.  Doggie Style 2 allows for deeper penetration, which makes sense if you have a large blue penis.  Doggie Style 3 allows the man to use his hands to press down on the woman’s back, for a more submissive feeling.  Woman on top and woman on top sitting on a chair play out pretty much the way it does for the men, but with angst.

You’re seeing the problem here, right?  Men say, here’s my three favorites.  Women, same three favorites, but infinite variations, while they worry about breast size and if their vagina’s too tight or too loose.  Like we notice.


Men’s random thoughts run in different directions during sex.  When is kickoff time? If I tell her I love her, will she let me do it again and take pictures?  I think I’ll try another variation called Doggie’s Anal Surprise.  I wonder if her best friend likes cowgirl.  Her breasts are huge. After this can I go to sleep? 

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