G Is Not For German: There’s Gotta Be A Better Way???

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At least in Germany, G does not stand for German.  D is for German, written as Deutsch and pronounced as Doy-ch, like someone attached an alligator clip to your genitals in the middle of a sneeze.

But, the main question is, how do you learn German?  Sans alligator clips. Deutsch has a reputation for being VERY difficult.  Intimidating even.  Why?  You expect me to have the answer?  Very keen insight on your part.

Here’s a hint:  How did you learn English?  Folks,  I’m here to make you forget all the foreign language lessons you never learned in high school!

Let’s grab the cow by the udders and glance at the basics.

Deutsch is difficult for two reasons, three types of the: der, die, das, AND grammar rules used like a cat-o-nine tails by sadistic language teachers. Simple as that. 

Nailing grammar to your brain before you can even say, “My you have nice breasts,” frustrates the average hormone infused student enough to make him fling adjectives and irregular verbs around like grenades at a Taliban birthday bash.  It also distracts him while he’s trying to catch another glimpse.

Backwards seems to be an unknown concept. Language teachers insist it’s a good idea to stuff your feet in your shoes, then work on the socks. Want to mess with a grammarian’s so-called mind?  Let him blunder on about the subjunctive and prepositional phrases, then ask how many direct objects he just used.

The point is, we don’t think grammatically, or even in individual words.  Ask people to repeat what they just said and you’ll see what I mean.  They’ll repeat the idea, but not necessarily the same words.

Grammar is an evil concept, meant to teach students that language teachers are Einsteins and students have brains very similar to donkey feces. 

I have a friend who was told by her teacher (in a land far away) to give up trying to learn English.  She did not have ‘language aptitude.’

She fled from the classroom and now speaks English as well as anyone.  Large vocabulary.  Perfect grammar.  Effortless conversation.  A secret method?  Yes.  She started speaking English and kept at it.  Grammar tiptoed in, almost unnoticed.

I have another foreign friend who can read difficult novels in English and write grammatically correct term papers.  But, even simple conversations baffle him.  “I go….no, no I went….wait, I am going in my pants.”  You can see the conjugations stampeding through his grammatical mind like lovesick bulls at breeding time that can’t find a heifer.  Unfortunately, conversation is never orderly.  It flows, not from ‘fill-in-the-blank’ workbook pages, but from peoples’ swiftly flowing imaginations.

Another thing to keep in mind:  reading, writing, and speaking are different skills.  Mastering a couple, still leaves two down and one to go.

So back to der, die, das and how they romp like diabolical elves slashing and mutilating even the simplest sentences. I drive my car.  I drive it often.  In English my is my is my.  It is always it.  The is always the.

Ah, but in German, not so fast, Heinz! My could be mien, meine, or meinen, depending.  It could be sie, es, er, or ihn, depending on the verb and gender.  Forgive me if I’ve forgotten a few mys and its.  Still trying to claw my way through.

I clean my room.  I like to clean it.  Think it is still going to be es?  Think my is still going to be mein?  Guess again, Herman.  First ya gotta jump down, turn around, pick a bale ‘o cotton.

So how in the frapping, flimflam jamming, darkest corners of hell, do you learn German without studying grammar rules and chewing your knuckles off ?????

Let’s ask some experts.  (Hint: figure out a way to immerse yourself.)

Youtube.  Take Bennie the Irish Polyglot, who says, “Commit to speaking only your target language for a month.” Try that with friends and family and they’ll avoid you like a bad odor, or they’ll search out a German-speaking psychiatrist.

Bennie says your brain ‘hacks’ a language just like you hack into a computer program.  Bennie did poorly in high school language classes.  Now he speaks ten languages fluently and happily.  Bennie has a point.  I know a woman who learned German by watching German TV programs for hours on end.  One other big tip from Bennie:  He strives to make 100 mistakes a day in his target language.

Online courses.  germanpod101.com and babel.com are two of my favorites.

Cds.  My favorite of all language teachers, Michel Thomas, has you listening and speaking in a steady progression.  Instead of concentrating on verb conjugations, he leads you through all the ways of expressing your thoughts.  You quickly go from “We are staying here,” to “We would have stayed longer if we had known you were coming.”  But, wait a minute!  You didn’t write anything down and didn’t discuss how to conjugate the conditional?  Hold on!  There were no books or homework! He didn't even mention 'conditional tense!' That’s impossible!

Think so?  Over coffee at my local Backerei, I overheard a couple of German children saying they were coming to the bakery this morning because they wouldn’t be able to come this afternoon.  In German!  Please don’t tell me kids learn much faster than adults.  I don’t think so.  Takes them a couple of years to utter a useful syllable. I think kids learn to communicate by listening and speaking without ever having to overcome mistaking their brains for donkey feces.

I could be wrong.  I’ll let you know how it comes out for this dirty mind.  Meanwhile, I’d love to hear from those of you who learned another language to the fluidly conversational level.  Tell me how you did it!