Following Spring Football practice, Coach Gaylord Schwantz
of Southern Home Industrial Technology University held a press conference.
Coach: Spring practice
went well. Some of our recently paroled recruits are going to help us out of
the box. Our conference is one of the
toughest in the nation. There are no
weak-tweaking-nose-flicking football teams on our schedule. We’ll have to be willing to give 110%, 110%
of the time and not be resting on what happens next. However, we do have some things to fix. But fixing is my job. Now, any questions?
Reporter 1: I
understand your quarterback, Gimpy Scroggins, is questionable.
Coach: That’s
completely untrue. He will not be
available to take questions.
Reporter 1: No. I mean he may not be 100% by the start of the
season.
Coach: I’ve answered
this a thousand times. Now that we’ve
got him fitted with a prosthesis, we expect a full recovery. The loss of a leg can be a handicap for a
quarterback, but I always say, we’re just thankful he’s not our kicker.
Reporter 2: What kind
of prosthesis?
Coach: Well, I’m not
a doctor, but as I understand it, Gimpy has a new titanium alloy, full motion,
two and a half horsepower, turbo-diesel leg that allows him to run the 40 in a
little under a second and a half.
Unfortunately, his jock strap can only do it in five seconds. Balls to the wall is not just an expression.
Reporter 3: Does that
cause problems when his natural leg tries to keep up?
Coach: We’ve had no
complains from his natural leg. Next
question.
Reporter 2: Is it
true that many of last year’s starters are now incarcerated.
Coach: Allegedly
incarcerated.
Reporter 1: The name
Cocksure Johnson ring any bells?
Coach: …don’t recall
Reporter 1: Exposed
himself to a troop of Girl Scouts at a fraternity keg party.
Coach: I object to
that nickname. He allegedly exposed his
alleged member to a group of alleged Girl Scouts at an alleged party, featuring an alleged keg. Ivanhoe Johnson is a fine young man.
Reporter 3: Excuse
me, but he’s 27 years old.
Coach: Any starter with
two years of eligibility left is a fine young man. Also, the newspapers are quick to jump to
conclusions.
Reporter 2: But,
several eye witnesses said…
Coach: Those Girl
Scouts are liars. Several of Mr.
Johnson’s teammates have sworn that at the time of the alleged incident he was
on the other side of the city park buying cocaine…I mean ice cream.
Reporter 1: Was that
a Freudian slip?
Coach: I don’t know
whose slip it was, but I do know newspapers never mention Ivanhoe is a good
provider for his girlfriend and her two children from a previous football team.
Reporter 2: How ‘bout
the allegations that some players are taking meaningless college courses.
Coach: I deny
that. We are very careful that our
student-athletes are meaningful students, who study meaningfully every day.
Reporter 1: Amish
Line Dancing ? Post-Coital Calisthenics?
Coach: Not everybody
can be pre-med, but we have two linebackers who are.
Reporter 3: You’d be
referring to Janic Thumbcushion, and Ivory Poacher. Dynamics of Regurgitation? Physiology of Sole Inserts? Oral Treatment of
Testicular Stress ?
Coach: Hip-high
Jones’ major is statistics.
Reporter 2: Handicapping
a Horse Race and Handicapped Parking: A
Comparative Study, Examination of
Dice: Dots and their hidden meaning.
Coach: What none of
you understand is that we support our student-athletes as they struggle to keep
their eligibility. These young men deserve the chance to rise above their
humble beginnings, date cheerleaders and make millions of dollars when they
turn pro.
Reporter 3: Should college football players be paid?
Coach: You mean like
graduate assistants and others who help the university? Definitely not. That’s not what college athletics are
about. College is a learning experience,
especially concerning the fine points of the law, and attorney-client privilege.
It’s about the discipline to perform at your best after a long flight,
two nights in a first class hotel, and a steak dinner.
Reporter 1: What’s
your prognosis for the coming season?
Coach: I think we’ll
do as well as we can, provided we can live up to our expectations.
Reporter 2: That’s an
evasive answer.
Coach: We’re a
football team.
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