Note: Previously published as a short story called Anything for a Buddy, this version is the complete novella, a short novel of divorce and deceit and wisecracking humor. At about 85 pages, it’s longer than most husband-wife conversations, unless there’s alcohol involved. To help out those readers whose attention spans are shorter than a fat man with an empty plate, I’ve sliced it into parts, so you can eat the whole meal, or pace yourselves between bites.
Anything for a Buddy, PART I
It was an old, but well kept pub in the heart of Kensington, with the smell of hand pulled ale and floating memories of conversations.
Josh sat on a stool at a high-topped table and sipped his pint in silence. Muted sounds of street traffic played softly, while the faded afternoon sun crept through muntin windows and crawled across the ancient tiled floor. His friend, Alex, wanted to say something, but when a man is in the depths, best not to speak, so he just sipped and looked around.
Josh’s wife had filed for divorce two weeks prior and Alex had gotten him away from the soulful sorrow of a rotting marriage and into the frenzied fun of London. But, so far, heartache held a strong testicular grip and wasn’t letting go. Alex knew only one thing that would help.
Part of Alex’s charm was solving problems, but this time was a different sort of problem, with blood spilling from a broken heart. For the first few days, Alex pressed fun into the open spaces, but Josh showed no interest in museums, the theater, or shopping. Alex was almost past the point of trying.
He’d offered advice, sparkling wit and booze in the finest pubs. They all slid off, like Jell-O on a slick wall.
“Josh, you’ve got to shake yourself loose. Take a deep breath. Think of the bad times and kick her ass off that damn pedestal.”
Josh stared down at his pint, tired of the clichés and suggestions. He wanted to just go back to the hotel and sleep. Still hadn’t figured out a troubled mind never sleeps.
“Well?” Alex asked.
“Well, what?”
“Tell me something you didn’t like about Margaret.”
“Like what?”
“Anything. Like, she belched in public or picked her nose. Maybe she has ugly tits.”
Josh looked wistful. “She has such lovely breasts…”
This wasn’t going well. Alex withdrew into his own thoughts and one of them was how joyously happy he was being single.
Alex shouldn’t have liked this pub, but he did. A couple of years back, he’d been here with Charlene on their last trip together, before the breakup, when her smiling company was still an enchantment. They should rename The Sergeant at Arms to something more appropriate like The Whining Bitch. Still, the atmosphere of faded posters and tin ceiling that must have been here when Henry the Eighth pissed off the pope, drew him in with a kind of soft comfort.
In big cities from New York to Hong Kong, Alex frequented establishments where bartenders called customers sir, dressed in black and white livery and remembered the names of the well heeled. Bartenders always remembered his. Here he also had the quiet comfort of anonymity.
Alex looked at Josh. “Who’s the lawyer?”
“Paulie Boy.” Josh said the name with a straight face.
Paul Alexander Christopher somehow crept through law school, and the state bar exam like a dying sloth.
“Why’d you pick him?”
“We have something in common. He divorced Margaret’s sister, Peggy.”
“Who’s Margaret got?”
“Victoria Douglas.”
Bad luck. VD, as she was known by a host of poverty stricken ex-husbands, had the killer instinct of a great white in a pod of seals.
Paulie was a seal. Alex swallowed his pessimism and looked at the bright side. He wasn’t the one getting divorced.
Until now, Josh’s life had ticked like a metronome, while Alex, who worked for a different and larger global firm, was happily pulled in different directions. He thrived in the fierce subtleties of negotiations and corporate intrigue. Charm and persuasion made him invaluable. The hard heart of a negotiator also made him practically invulnerable to heartache. By the time he sat down to negotiate, he knew what both sides needed, wanted, and what they had to lose. He followed the same studied path in his personal life.
If Alex had a fault, it was exuding a confidence that seemed too self-assured, too jutted-of-jaw, his eyes too blue and uncomfortably intense. Even his friends had the strange feeling they were outside his world looking in. A thin, vaporous mystique presented him as a man totally in control. The less assured kept their distance, and their wives close.
Josh took the ordinary path. If Alex was a corporate lion, Josh was the durable donkey, with good work ethic, but only able to stumble up the corporate cobblestones.
These days, Alex was without a woman and as much as he tried to sympathize with Josh’s situation, he just didn’t get the part about closing things down. No kids? Woman’s gone? So what? All she’s taking is a wad of cash and maybe a house. She’s not taking your life. Cash and house you can get back.
Women leaving sometimes happened to Alex, but instead of wilting, it made him more solid within himself. His shield was a careless disregard for fate and his sword was sharpened self-confidence. He was also armed with caution and a quiet streak of suspicion. Relationships were interesting, but only one of the curiosities of a vibrant life. The kind of woman who attracted him possessed strength of independence and a loving personality, someone who stayed close, but didn’t interfere. He hadn’t met her yet.
Why the hell couldn’t his friend brace up? Josh had the look of a man who needed to use the gent’s, but was afraid of falling in.
Alex understood the psychology of broken hearts less than he understood polynomial equations. They leave, or you leave, and life goes on. And, women’s emotional directions were as straight forward as bees in a flower garden. He preferred his own labels, straightforward and honest, to more libelous words like callous, or unfeeling. He was not unfeeling; it was just a matter of controlling raw emotions and looking beyond the problem.
When Josh’s wife blindsided him by filing for divorce, Josh had wilted like rain-starved daffodils. Alex stepped in and looking beyond, he’d paid the airfare and gotten his long-time pal out of town. The muddy circles under Josh’s eyes, and a set of new wrinkles on the brow showed how well the plan hadn’t worked. But, Alex saw a ‘no’ as only one bend in the road, and he always had his hands on the wheel.
“Josh, we’re headed to Duke’s hotel for a martini and after that a short walk to 45 Jermyn Street. And before we sober up, we’ll take a taxi to the hotel.”
“I don’t….”
Alex broke in with a smile. “I don’t give a shit about your do’s and don’ts. And I’m tired of the sacrificial lamb act.” A broader smile. ”Cheer up! I want a goddamn drink in a decent bar, with a competent barman and a bill that makes you blink twice. You’re coming with me.”
Alex’s phone rang. He gave short answers.
“Who was that? Who knows you’re in London?”
“Business never stops.”
“But, I’m…”
“I’m buying and we’ll drink where I say.”
Duke’s bar, at Duke’s Hotel often has a wait time, but they lucked out. A waiter in black trousers and white dinner jacket seated them at a corner table.
Duke’s bar is more like an elegant sitting room than a bar. A very comfortable sitting room. They ordered, or rather Alex ordered Vesper Martinis for the two of them. The drink cart came and the waiter mixed the drinks in frosty glasses, with an array of frosty bottles, then added a twist of orange peel.
By the third sip, Josh livened up. “Great place,” he said with appropriate enthusiasm. “And I don’t care if she takes everything.”
“That’s the spirit. But, the big question is, did you really love her, or was she just a habit?”
Josh scrunched up his face and lightly bit his lower lip. “I don’t know anymore.”
“Yep, she was a habit. I’m telling ya, this place and this drink have pixy dust. Covered with it. Things happen here that don’t happen anywhere else. Now turn around in your seat and meet Amelia.”
“What?”
“The woman at the table behind you.”
Josh turned slightly, looking over his shoulder, then turned back to Alex, with astonishment. “How’d you know her name?”
“Psychic….also she still has a name tag on from some conference. Want to know more?”
Josh waited.
Alex heaved a deep sigh, as if he was going to lead the horse to water and hold his head under. “She’s here for a conference and drinking at one of the most expensive bars in a town of expensive bars, so she’s got money. She’s also alone.”
“Maybe she wants to be alone.”
“Unlikely. Great city. Maybe her first trip. Feels like a foreigner.”
“What if she doesn’t want to be bothered?”
“Hi, Amy!” Alex said.
The woman, mid-forties, turned with a look caught in the crack between ‘leave me alone’ and it won’t hurt to be civil.’ “How did you know my name?” On her guard, ready to be offended. She also had an English accent.
Alex pointed to her nametag. She looked down. Laughed. “I forgot to take the damn thing off.” She unpeeled it, looked down and slipped it in her small clutch. “You here for the conference, too?”
“No chance. What conference? Who do you work for?”
“Brooks and Allen.” She nodded.
“We’re both with Tex-Martin. But, you’re English.”
“No kidding,” she said. “Big company. London office.”
Josh tried to whisper that neither of them worked for Tex-Martin, but Alex ignored him.
“Sorry. Should have offered intros. I’m Alex and my noble friend here is Josh.” Amy smiled again. Josh smiled back. Suddenly he was more animated. Her eyes twinkled. Her silk blouse spoke of indecent promises.
A mountain of small talk followed. Mostly the two of them, with Alex just along for the ride. “Listen,” he said, “I’ve got to cut out soon, but I’m sure Josh would like to buy you a drink. We were headed to 45 Jermyn next.”
“I love that place,” Amy said.
“Would you mind taking Josh with you? I really do have to leave.”
Josh gave him a quizzical look.
“Boss called,” Alex said.
“Oh.”
“It would be my pleasure,” Amy said, “but, don’t you want to join us?”
“Would love to, but duty calls.” Alex smiled.
He got back to the hotel. Made a phone call and gave his credit card number. “Best thousand bucks I ever spent.” He smiled. “Anything for a buddy.”
The next morning, Alex sat in the hotel dining room, reading The Guardian and sipping coffee with cream, when Josh strode across the carpeted room, smiling. He sat down, still smiling.
“Busy place,” he said.
“Looks like the evening went well,” Alex said. “Care for some coffee? Breakfast perhaps?”
“Yes and no.” Josh looked like he’d won the lottery and found out it wasn’t taxed. “No to the breakfast. We ordered room service, along with another bottle of champagne. We had a bottle last night and a couple of Cognacs for a nightcap. I put everything on your bill.”
“You look a bit too pleased about it. ”
“Hey, you did the introductions, so the least you could do was spring for a couple of bottles of this and that.” Josh laughed.
“I take it you’ve flown over the rainbow and lost your taste for Kansas.”
“Oh, she is a wonderful woman,” Josh said, his eyes lost in cloudy dreams. “We’re meeting for dinner tonight and you’re invited. Had such a good time she’s making it her treat.”
“Where?”
“A place called Rule or Rules or something like that.”
‘I know it. Oldest restaurant in London. Sell your car if you plan on leaving a tip.”
“I told you, she’s paying.”
“Should have taught Margaret to do that.”
Anything for a Buddy, Part II
The flight home went well.
Josh smiled. “Suddenly, I don’t give a shit about Margaret.”
“I don’t either. Let’s sell her to an Arabian sheik. I know a guy…”
This was a new Josh, or a return of the old, or somebody different entirely. This Josh had learned self-pity was a game of solitaire with a blindfold and the deck missing a few cards.
They sat in business class, and Josh flirted with a sixty year old flight attendant. He smacked down his surf and turf, showed off his new love of Champagne and relished two snifters of Cognac.
“May I offer you another Cognac, sir?”
“Your plane or mine?” He smiled. She laughed.
She returned faster than a rubber yoyo, her fingers touching his as she gave him the drink. “Do you get to London often?”
Josh took a sip. “I like your style. Subtle, but you get your point across.”
“You’re incorrigible!”
“I’ll do what I can to incorrige you…”
Alex looked from her to Josh and shrugged.
The flight attendant, whose name was also Amy, laughed. Patted Josh’s shoulder as she left.
It was a more jovial Josh who returned to the office. He spoke up at meetings, astonishing half the room. The other half slept, but managed not to snore. His boss looked him in the eye and asked questions, an all time first.
****
Over afternoon drinks with Josh, Alex wasted no time delving into the deep well of divorce. In Alex’s mind the pieces were still a little jagged. Josh’s wife was a real looker. Alex had shared a few smiles and heard the rumors that were sometimes heard about a beautiful woman. Not his to ask, until now. In Alex’s estimation, beautiful women could present warmth at first, and you’d still end up with freezer burn.
“I never cheated on her. Never once, but I should have.”
Alex’s turn to smile. “That’s the spirit! The quest for a new pair of tits should be a lifelong habit.”
“I took my marriage seriously,” Josh said. “Next time, I’m going to shack up with a slutty woman of means.
“Don’t doubt it for a second. With luck she has a sister.”
“I don’t know if she cheated on me.” Josh’s mind rolled on, covering the past in brief skips and flourishes. Questions floating through his mind that he’d never thought to ask. “Margaret was married once before, you know.”
“No, I didn’t know,” Alex said. “Did she shoot him or bore him to death?”
”He was a carpenter. I think she just nailed his ass.”
“Well, nobody announces their faults and indiscretions on a loud speaker during the seventh inning stretch.”
Josh and Margaret were college sweethearts, broke up after college, and married farther down the dusty trail of life. Josh wanted a family and apparently so did she, but it never happened. The details? Alex didn’t know, and anyway, tying the knot was as mysterious to him as the nose-less face on the Sphinx.
When Alex had visited Josh’s home with beer swilling friends, watching football, horsing around, laughing out loud, yelling at the refs, the most he’d ever heard Margaret say was “Oh, you men,” offering the barest of smiles and a contrived laugh. She was like a woman with a Ferrari body who never made it off the assembly line.
Alex’s twisted vision of marriage was of a raging wildfire that tended to burn itself out, or find another field to burn. Plenty of fields available.
Josh had put his wife on a pedestal so high fire couldn’t reach it. Possible she found another field and a box of matches. Wouldn’t be the first time the left hand never had a clue what the right hand was reaching for.
Certainly was true in Alex’s case. In days gone by when he’d tripped London’s lights fantastic with Charlene, he’d assumed effortless joy and physical happiness a stud horse would covet. By god she had a body that would make a jockey on his deathbed mount up. Then suddenly simpering demands, sweetly given, became the sharpened ax that cleaved his libido. He’d easily brushed aside her attempts to reconcile, and avoided the next swing of the ax.
Alex forced himself to slide past the memories. “When is the court date?”
“Three weeks away.” Josh sounded eager.
Don’t you have to get together with Paulie Boy?”
“Yeah, guess you’re right.”
On the plane ride home, Alex had promised a bed in his apartment. That first night, they’d sipped brandy and sat on the couch, while 40’s jazz roamed sweetly on a music channel, and the conversation flowed.
“You thinking about Margaret?”
“Hell no!” Josh laughed and shifted his mind to Amy from London.
“Good man!”
“I hate to keep imposing,” Josh said, “but you already know with the divorce up in the air, all our assets are frozen, hers and mine. There’s no way I can live at home.”
“You starving?”
“No. I’m still getting paid and our attorneys agreed for each of us to take out ten grand from our savings.”
After a few days, Josh found an apartment. He and Alex lost touch for a week or more. The phone call came as something of a surprise. They met for coffee at Joanne’s Coffee Parlor. Josh picked the spot. Pretty much what you’d expect with the word, parlor. Pink, chintz-frilled curtains, black Formica tabletops and chrome chairs with black plastic upholstery. Tiny pots of red and white flowers in small glass vessels. Coffee ordered at the counter, and came in thin, narrow, white mugs. Chamber music played softly.
“Why such a feminine place?” Alex asked.
“Make you uncomfortable?”
“I’m comfortable wherever the coffee’s hot.”
“Thinking about Amy. This place reminds me of London, a little bit.”
“Maybe I should break some sad news.” Alex said.
“I already know.”
“How’d you figure it out?”
“She told me. We enjoyed each other’s company and that’s enough for now.”
“What about Margaret?”
“She can drop dead for all I care.”
“I hope you mean that figuratively, but if not, I know a guy.”
“That fucking lawyer of hers told her not to settle unless I give up every damn thing, including my scrotum. Every penny, plus fifty percent of my salary in alimony.”
“I wouldn’t worry about the physical property,” Alex said. “You don’t own much and you’re already to give her the house. The scrotum I’d worry about.”
“Yeah, I’ll even throw in all our savings. It’s the alimony that pinches my tits. I’ll end up living in an attic and eating dog food. Margaret’s lawyer, is one mean bitch and I’ve come to realize Paulie is over his head, hanging on by a thread, twisting this way and that.”
“For sure, V.D. fits the bitch description.” Alex sipped and let Josh roll on.
“She told Margaret she’s got stuff on me heavy enough to sink a battleship.”
“How’d you find out?”
“Opposing counsels talk. Paulie told me.”
“And you believe an opposing counsel doesn’t lie?”
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Is your battleship on the way to the bottom?”
Josh sat still, leaning on his elbows, his eyes focused somewhere on the other side of Jupiter.
“I’m thinking there’s something you’re not telling me,” Alex said.
It took another moment before Josh spoke. “I took some money out of our savings.”
“How much?”
“I really didn’t think it was anything. I mean, we’ve got a good stash, stocks and bonds. Danny needed twenty-five thousand dollars.”
“Your brother?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s it? Twenty-five grand?”
“Yeah.”
“Must be more to it than that. At your salary, twenty-five grand wouldn’t sink a rowboat.”
Josh hesitated. Clinched his fingers together. “That was the first time.”
“How many times we talking about?”
Josh shrugged. “A few.”
“What was the money for, if I may ask?”
Josh’s smile was on vacation. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Still, there’s got to be more to this than money.”
“I told you, I don’t want to talk about it.”
The waitress walked up. “Can I get you anything?” She smiled.
“Yeah, my friend here needs a pile of cash.” Alex said.
The waitress laughed. “Me too!” And walked to another table.
“Have you and Margaret talked about the settlement?”
“If you mean has she screamed at me, the answer is yes.”
“Gone through mediation to try to resolve things?”
“No. In this state it’s not required unless both parties agree.”
“Time you got Paulie on the ball, maybe hire an investigator.”
“Pockets are empty. Don’t know how I’m going to pay Paulie.”
“I know an investigator who works cheap.” Alex smiled.
“Who?”
Alex smiled again.
“You don’t have a P.I. license.”
“Don’t need a license if I’m not advertising and not getting paid.”
“But, you don’t have experience!”
“What the hell do you think I do to earn my semi-fabulous salary, with millions of dollars in mergers and acquisitions on the line? This is just a divorce. I don’t have to figure out what fifteen board members really want, and memorize ten years of profit and loss, markets and growth.
“Let’s talk about something else for a second.” Josh breezed on with barely a breath in between. “Amy called from London.” Now a smile came back.
“The flight attendant?”
“No, the other Amy.”
“The hooker?”
“She’s not a hooker, she’s an escort.”
“Details.” Alex shrugged.
“An honest to goodness escort. Companies hire her to show high priced visitors around town.”
“And nothing else, or so she says.” Suspicion clung to Alex like a fresh coat of paint.
“I didn’t say she’s a virgin. But, she’s definitely not a hooker.”
“You hire ligit escorts for visiting clients now and again, yes?”
Josh shrugged. “Mostly, we ask an assistant. And you know she’s legit how?”
Anything for a Buddy, Part III
Two weeks crawled by, another court date was set by Judge Weston Sherman. Meanwhile, Alex raced off on two business trips, enveloping himself in the excitement of a major acquisition. When he returned, he found an email from Josh, asking him to come to court as an observer. “I want another set of eyes and ears, “ Josh wrote. “And I still have my doubts about Paulie.”
Judge Sherman had been on the court for some time, and in many different capacities. The toughest was juvenile court, where he had to deal with young men and women who had never had a chance and never would have a chance. Broken homes. One parent homes. Poverty stricken homes. However, he could be tough as nails.
In the famous case of James Lee Orey, a 17 year old who came from a good and loving home, but committed rape on his ten year old step sister. Judge Sherman gave him thirty years without a blink and in front of his crying, hand-wringing parents.
But, now he was in a vacation home, divorce court, where for the most part, all he had to deal with was bitterness and greed.
No matter where he had served in his long legal career, the judge kept things moving and put up with no nonsense. A couple of lawyers found out the hard way, but for now disbarment had never happened in Judge Sherman’s divorce court. For the judge, each day was a day closer to retirement and more time on the golf course and fishing for marlin in the gulf.
Alex walked in just after the call to order and sat alone in the back row.
Courtroom was fairly full. Must have been half the city getting divorced.
Even from a distance, Victoria Douglas stood out. Her upright bearing, combined with her almost regal beauty, presented an intriguing presence that would make a man who didn’t know her yearn to take her to dinner, buy her flowers, and rip her clothes off on the cab ride home.
She had eyes like Charlene’s, dark, inquisitive, hiding something. Hard to figure if they were a promise of elegant heat, or the reflection of a soul that turns a wet dream into a nightmare?
Women worth knowing were always a mystery, and Alex was a fan of mystery, which was a big part of why he loved his job so much.
Looking at Josh and Margaret, sitting separated by more than distance, he wondered if his friend had ever really known his wife and if she had truly known him.
His thoughts drifted back to Victoria. No doubt she was a passionate attorney. But who was the real woman who hid behind that legal persona, the one who didn’t dress in bespoke business suits, carried a hand crafted black leather briefcase, had her hair done by a Hollywood stylist, and protected herself from prying eyes?
The courtroom shone with steel and glass modernity, even to the gently curving seats for the lawyers and their clients. Overhead lights kept the courtroom as bright as the beds in a tanning salon.
Judge Sherman towered over the gathering, especially when seated behind the steel fronted bench. His body was broad and beefy, with the face of a boxer ready for the bell to ring.
The courtroom for the most part stood in hushed silence when he took his seat. Those few awaiting their turn at justice and continued to chat in low murmurs, quickly silenced themselves after one determined glance from his honor.
First thing out of his mouth was a growl. “Any last chance to reconcile before we start this trial?” His eyes narrowed. He drummed his fingers as he waited.
Both lawyers stood at the same time and spoke only slightly out of synch. “No, your honor.”
“Well, let’s make sure. I want to see the attorneys and their clients in my chambers.” He stood abruptly and people scrambled to their feet as he turned and disappeared through the door.
The Judge’s chambers were as modern as the courtroom. He sat up straight in the high-backed, maroon leather chair behind his mahogany and steel desk. The obligatory array of legal tomes stood like armed soldiers in the bookcase behind him. The two lawyers, plus Margaret and Josh sat directly in front, the chairs spread out like the folds of a fan.
“I’m going to address the clients and I’d appreciate if counsels kept quiet. I want to hear what the clients have to say.” He glanced at all four faces before he began.
“Mr. and Mrs. Riggins, are you sure you can’t do this amicably?” The judge had a deep, stern voice on the best of days. Today, it sounded as though he couldn’t believe he was bothering to ask.
“No, your honor.”
“No, your honor.”
The judge sighed, and watched the chance for a tee time roll away on the train to nowhere. Not unexpected. Last time he’d played a round was two months ago, when one of the plaintiffs died. Well, he could still hope, or hire an assassin. “This doesn’t have to be difficult.” He said it as if speaking to a patient who had tried to pull out stitches with a screwdriver. “It would be easier for all of us, if you agreed to agree. Somebody here is going to lose and there’s no need for anyone to lose.” His patience left on the same train as his tee time. “Split the property, sign the papers, and shake hands. That’s it. Incredibly simple. It’s not like the bad old days, when you had to prove guilt or harm.”
When no one said anything, the judge began again, after glancing down and ruffling some papers on his desk. “You’ve been married for five years. There are children involved?” He looked up and four people shook their heads, no.
Now his eyes swayed from Josh to Margaret. “You’ve accumulated a sizeable portfolio in a short time.”
“I’ve had stock options and a portfolio well before we were married” Josh said.
“With no pre-nup that doesn’t matter.” He paused and glanced around to see if anyone would mention a pre-nup. No one did, so he carried on. “There’s plenty of money for the two of you to live comfortably. So what’s the problem?” He scanned another page of notes. “I’m offering you a chance to act like a lady and a gentleman and not spit in each other’s faces.”
Josh spoke up. “Your honor, I’m willing to be very amicable. I’m willing to let her split up the assets.”
“And you, Mrs. Riggins?”
“Your honor, may I say something?” Victoria was already on the edge of her chair.
“I think you already have.” The judge gave her a look that would stop a charging moose. “You’ll get your chance in court.”
Victoria sat silently, but no smile and definitely void of humility.
Margaret stared at the judge as if her husband hadn’t spoken a word and the judge was her personal executioner. “We have been married for five years, six in September. I have fully supported him in his work and he has betrayed me time and again….”
The judge broke in. “I’m not asking you to present your case right here, right now. “ He smacked his palm on the desk. “We’ll do that in the courtroom, if necessary.” He lowered his voice to a more conciliatory tone. “Your husband has already said he’d let you have what you want of the estate. Why do it through what may be a drawn out trial?”
“Because I want it over. Settled! Finished! I don’t want him to come back at me and say I wasn’t fair or he didn’t like the way I split things up.” Strident as ever, Margaret had to refrain from baring her teeth.
Ignoring Margaret’s squirming, the Judge gallantly pressed on. “Mrs. Riggins, do you realize that a simple divorce will settle everything permanently?”
“Your honor, I want my day in court! I want everything airtight and make him come back to court if he wants anything changed. And, I want enough alimony to allow me to live comfortably.” She paused. “No matter what he says now, I know he will want to pick at the settlement. I know him and I don’t trust him to be fair and forthright.”
The Judge refrained from rolling his eyes and calling on a Cuban death squad. “A simple divorce will settle all that. ” He spoke patiently, having dealt with harridans like this before. He tried his best not to form opinions, and concentrate on the facts, of which there were few. He took a deep breath. “Mrs. Riggins, I’m not about to let you use this court as a public forum for vindictiveness.” No one uttered a word. Victoria hated clients like this who didn’t follow the script.
And then the judge had a single word shoot into his memory of this short, inglorious conversation. “Are you saying that the two of you have not arrived at a mutual agreement on alimony?”
Victoria started to say something, but thought better of it. “Your honor, may I speak?”
“Make it brief. No story telling. No argument.”
“We have not been able to come to a settlement on the question of alimony.”
The judge held up his hands, palms up. “Very well then, let’s go back in the courtroom and start the mud slinging.”
“Your honor!” Victoria was on her feet. “I object to your characterization of my client as someone slinging mud!”
“Victoria,” he said mildly. “ I don’t think I mentioned your client, Mrs. Riggins. The characterization is yours, and you’re certainly welcome to it. We’re having a conversation and we’re not in a courtroom. Look around and tell me if you see a jury! Now with your permission…”
Soon after, the bailiff called out, “All rise!” The judge, followed by counsels and clients trooped back in. The judge took his seat and tapped his gavel.
The bell had rung. It was down to the business of being judge and lion tamer in a family circus.
Alex heard the door at the back of the courtroom creak slightly. He turned to see a man about his age, wearing a sports coat, white shirt, no tie, quietly slide into a seat, some distance away. A thin guy, maybe six feet, carefully combed brown hair, not bad looking, well cut clothes.
For a common divorce case, with the exception of celebrities, the courtroom was seldom packed and this day was no exception, except for those awaiting their turn to sever the sacred ties of matrimony. Alex sat alone, but there were several other people sitting in a row directly behind Margaret and her lawyer. He recognized none of them, but presumed they were witnesses. No one sat behind Josh and Paulie.
“Has discovery been completed?” asked the Judge.
“Yes,” said both lawyers, one after the other.
“Problems?”
“Yes,” said Paulie.
“No,” said Victoria.
“Well, let’s skip that for a moment and start with opening statements.”
Victoria stood up. Gone was the smug smile, replaced by a sharp stridency, like a wind that would rip the nostrils off a well-bred horse. “Your honor, this is a clear case of adultery, willful hiding of assets, and spousal abuse, both verbal and physical. We have witnesses to corroborate this. My client suspects her husband has hidden assets that should be part of the settlement and after years of being a faithful wife, she deserves half of salary in alimony.”
The judge turned his gaze to Paulie. “Anything you wish to add?”
“Yes, your honor. My client knows nothing about any so-called hidden assets. Furthermore, start to finish, the rest of my respected colleague’s statements are on the face of them completely false. As for alimony, my client’s assets are an accumulation of three times the length of the marriage. He’s willing to give up half. That is more than fair, without having to add in alimony.”
“Has the defense had an opportunity to view the witness list?”
Paulie stood again. “Yes we have, your honor, but there were only three witnesses on the list and it appears there are five people sitting on the benches behind my opponent’s desk.”
“First of all, Mr. Christopher, Mrs. Douglas is not your opponent. We are all trying to arrive at a reasonable and conclusive settlement.”
“Yes, you honor.”
Victoria smiled, while Paulie gave his impression of a rat that wished he hadn’t gone for the cheese.
“Mrs. Douglas, how many witnesses did you have on your list?”
“We had three on the original list, your honor…..”
The judge cut her off. “And now?”
“Two more witnesses have come forward since we delivered our list to Mr. Christopher.”
Paulie’s turn to smile and pat Josh on the shoulder.
“Ok,” said the judge. Turning to Paulie, “How much time will you need to look over the revised witness list and prepare for trial.”
“Your honor, we will need at least a week.”
“Fine. You have two days. Plenty of time to review two new witnesses. He glanced at the wall clock. “Most of today and all day tomorrow. We will reconvene the day after tomorrow, if that is satisfactory to all concerned.
If my schedule doesn’t permit, I’ll let both counsels know.” Without asking for an answer, he smacked his gavel down, rose, and walked through the door to his chambers. He just might make his tee time.
Anything for a Buddy, PART IV
When they got back to the car, with Alex in the back seat, Paulie said, “Shit! The old bastard didn’t give us enough time!”
Alex was unfazed. “What do you know about the two new witnesses?”
Josh piped up. “Yula lives diagonally across the street. Mostly a busybody who thinks she owns the neighborhood. Complains if it rains and expects somebody to do something about it. One time she drove by and yelled out the window that I hadn’t swept the leaves from our driveway. It wasn’t friendly.”
“How ‘bout Harrison Jefferson?” Paulie asked.
“I had a run-in with him over not keeping his dog on a leash and out of my yard. His exact words were, ‘Mind your own fuckin’ business.’”
“And what did you say?” Paulie asked.
“Not a thing. I’m not going to stand in my front yard and argue with the deranged.”
“I’ll have talk with each of them,” Alex said. Josh cut in that he wanted to go, too. “Not a good idea,” Alex said. “They don’t know me, or what I want, or whose side I’m on.”
Dorothy, a stout woman, with glasses and wisps of gray hair, was the single secretary for two offices, and perpetually overworked. But, even with her heavy burden, she remained unflustered and a tough nut. When Alex mentioned doing some research, she pointed to her cluttered desk and gave him a tight smile. Women always smiled at him, whether they wanted to or not.
He explained what he needed. “Whatta you think?” she said with a thin slice of sarcasm. She spread her arms like a mother eagle protecting her nest, grabbed a sharp, yellow pencil and scratched down some names from the local newspaper and the county courthouse, along with several web sites. “But, I have to warn you, my guess is you’re fishing in a swimming pool.”
Alex smiled back. “Thanks, Dot.” Few called her Dot, but Alex could get away with that and a few other things. No one else in the office brought her flowers on her birthday, or Belgian chocolate from Brussels.
That night, Alex called Paulie, then dialed Josh. “I did some checking.”
“Whataya mean?”
Alex sighed. “I mean I checked public records and spent some time online,” he said, impatience creeping in like a snarling dog.
Josh, who was working his way toward acceptance of a courtroom smack-down, said.“ I bet you didn’t find much.”
They met for a quiet drink in the spacious bar at the Ritz Carlton.
“You’d be surprised.” Alex shook a piece of paper containing bits of information. He leaned forward and spoke just above a whisper. “Harrison Jefferson was brought up on domestic abuse charges a few years ago. He’s divorced now. ”
“Paulie told me the Judge probably won’t accept anything that doesn’t have to do with the case. Anything else?”
“He has a DUI from last year and his ex filed a restraining order.”
“Anything else?”
“Yeah, he’s not allowed visitation rights with his kids.”
Josh paused. “Please tell me Yula butchered a few dogs for pissing on her lawn.”
“No, but she was involved in an altercation with a cashier at Top Value and the cops were called.”
“What came of it?
“The store told her she wasn’t welcome, then got a restraining order. She’s been divorced a couple of times, so there may be more.”
“The store told her she wasn’t welcome, then got a restraining order. She’s been divorced a couple of times, so there may be more.”
“What did Paulie say? You think Margaret’s lawyer knows all this? If she does, this is all a bluff, ” Josh said.
“Paulie was getting his car fixed. He said he’d look into it later.”
“Who are the other witnesses?”
“Two other nosy neighbors and a woman from my office, which surprised me,” Josh said.
“What’s her name?” Alex asked. “Long as I’m looking I might as well dig through the whole sandbox. We’ve only got tomorrow.”
“Joan Haygarth.”
“What’s she got on you?”
“Not a thing that I know of. That’s what surprised me.”
Later that night, Paulie called Josh and Josh called Alex. “No court. Judge is sick. Flu or something. His secretary didn’t say. Evidently nothing serious or they would have brought in another judge.” Josh’s voice sounded hesitantly optimistic, like a man scheduled for a root canal and heard the appointment was postponed.
“Anything else?”
“Paulie said he doesn’t do much investigative work and we can hire a good investigator for five hundred or a thousand bucks a day, depending on what we need him to do.”
“And?”
“I was hoping you could help me out…”
“Suddenly you like me as an investigator.”
“Well….”
“You know anything I have is yours,” Alex said.
“Don’t want you to bankroll my problem. I want you to find out more. As fast as you can.” Josh’s voice carried a tremor of helplessness, like a blind man in a boxing match.
When court reconvened, Alex was coming up the steps of the courthouse, and passed three youngish women, dressed plainly, with matching bonnets. They appeared to be praying. “What are you praying for?” The women just kept praying and said nothing. Then one of them eyed him and spoke up. “For justice. For abused women.”
“Sorry. Can’t help. Don’t know any. Know some abused men, if that’ll help.” She gave him an emotionally committed glare.
Before he sat down in the courtroom, he glanced at the row of witnesses. Still five. The man who’d been at the last hearing once again sat toward the back. Alex’s mind churned, trying to decipher the meaning. Couldn’t be a reporter. Not taking any notes. Neither Margaret or V.D. seemed to notice him.
Nobody sits quietly in a courtroom, not even the witnesses. They smile and nod their heads knowingly, or show ripples of disgust or anger. Lawyers fidget, anxiously waiting to get their turn. But, today was different. No other lawyers or clients present, and even the witnesses were hushed.
When it comes to courtroom noise, contested divorces make the list. Passions fly through the air and explode like grenades, with everyone waiting for the shrapnel to tear the case apart. Today there was dead silence.
But, when Victoria called her first witness the grenade went off. Yula came on full blast, alleging Josh was not to be trusted. Alex caught the truth in a snap. All she had were opinions blowing like a gust of air out of her self-important balloon. Paulie stood up with a handful of objections. The judge advised the witness to remain calm and tell what she knew, not what she suspected. Then he turned to Victoria.
“I hope the rest of your witnesses have something more substantial to say,” the judge said, looking annoyed, his voice still carrying the gravel of hoarseness.
Alex wondered what the hell Victoria was up to, showing such a weak hand. There was no jury in a divorce case. Casting doubt wasn’t going to work.
Victoria stood. “I have another question for my witness, your honor.”
“Ok, but don’t take all day. I’m not going to waste time with meaningless opinions.”
Victoria spoke to the witness. “Do you have anything specific to add?”
Alex knew something big was coming. Victoria had thrown the soft balls. Now it was time for a fast one right across the plate.
“Yes, I do!”
“Could you tell us, please?”
“I saw Mr. Riggins on a downtown street kissing a woman who was not his wife.” Indignity slid across her lips like scalding water.
Paulie looked at Josh. Josh shrugged, palms up, and shook his head like he had no idea. Paulie could have asked for specifics. Which street? When? What time of day? Kissed how? On the cheek or the lips? How far away were you? A barrage of questions that would leave her hemorrhaging. Instead, he lobbed a slow pitch across home plate. “How do you know it wasn’t his wife?”
“I know what his wife looks like!”
“No further questions,” Paulie said, and sat down.
The judge was about to excuse the witness, when Paulie raised his hand. Josh leaned to Paulie’s ear. “Your honor, a moment please. I have several more questions for this witness.”
“Very well, Mr. Christopher, but be quick….and a little organization wouldn’t hurt.”
“Yes, you honor.”
Yula didn’t remember much, but the kiss was definitely on the lips.
Paulie asked again when this was? No memory.
Well, yesterday, last week, last year?
“Objection!” Victoria was on her feet. “Question asked and answered!”
“She didn’t answer!”
“She told you she doesn’t remember!”
“Slow down, right now.” The judge frowned. “The witness will answer the question, but I warn you Mr. Christopher to lower your tone. Do not badger the witness.”
Surprisingly, Paulie continued to rip her apart, although in a calmer voice and lower volume. How far away was she standing? Was she wearing her glasses? How old is her prescription?
“There’s nothing wrong with my eyes and it was about two months ago, not years ago!” Yula became agitated, calling Paulie a rat, saying she knew Josh was a liar, and accusing him of piling leaves on her lawn.
Victoria tried her best to quiet her own witness, to no avail. The judge jumped in. “This witness is dismissed. Get her off the stand!” When Yula stood up, but didn’t step down, the judge had the bailiff remove her.
As she was led out of the courtroom, she twisted, tried to wriggle free and screamed that she had seen him do it.
“One more outburst and I’ll find you in contempt.” The judge swung his gavel like a carpenter who had a grudge against a nail. The doors swung closed behind her.
The bailiff led her to a bench in the hallway. “You heard the judge. He doesn’t mess around. Sit here quietly until the trial is adjourned or you’re called back to the stand.” Then he walked back into court. Yula sat and steamed. She knew what she saw. If she got back on the stand, she’d tell the rest of it.
As Yula was led away, the judge said, “I expect decorum in my courtroom.” His face was a shade of pink as he stared directly at Victoria. Alex couldn’t believe it. Victoria almost looked ashamed.
Had there been a jury present, Judge Sherman would have instructed them to disregard the witness’ behavior and concentrate on the testimony, but sadly for Victoria and her client, the judge’s mind was all that counted in divorce court and by all accounts he had a long memory.
Victoria’s fastball had missed the batter and hit the umpire in the face.
“Ms. Douglas,” the Judge asked, “Do you have another witness ? One that doesn’t require my bailiff to carry a sidearm?”
“Your honor, I apologize.”
“Understood. Now get on with it.”
“Your honor,” Victoria said, “I call Doctor Hector Ramirez to the witness stand.”
Ramirez was a short, stout man, with a full head of dark hair, and wore glasses with absolutely round lenses, giving him the appearance of an astonished owl.
After the oath was administered, Victoria started in with the doctor’s medical qualifications and a list of positions he’d held, including volunteer work at a battered women’s clinic.
“Doctor,” she asked, “did you ever have the occasion to examine Mrs. Riggins?”
“I did.”
“And could you tell us the circumstances.”
“She came to me one afternoon, complaining of headaches. She also wanted me to examine several bruises on her arms.”
“Did she tell you what caused the headache and bruises?”
“She said she’d had an altercation with her husband.”
“What kind of altercation?”
“She said he had pushed her backwards, she fell across a chair and hit her head.”
“In your opinion, were the bruises consistent with what she told you had happened?”
“I can’t say conclusively, but ….”
Victoria interrupted. “Have you seen bruises like this before?”
“Many times.”
“Did you doubt her story at the time?”
“I saw no reason to doubt her.”
“No more questions for this witness,” Victoria said.
Paulie stood and approached the witness. “You had no reason to doubt her?”
“No, I did not.”
“So, you reported this incident to the police, as you as a medical professional are required to do?”
“She asked me not to report it.”
“Did she say why she didn’t want you to report it?”
“She said she didn’t want to get her husband in trouble.”
“Do you recall when this incident happened, doctor?”
“I don’t recall the date, but she was tan and said she had just gotten back from Hawaii.”
“No more questions for this witness,” Paulie said. “However, I want to submit as evidence a medical report from the Rainbow Medical Center at the University of Hawaii. It involves a bicycle accident.” Once again, Alex had done excellent work!
Victoria was on her feet in an instant. “Your honor, I know nothing about this so-called medical report!”
“Ms. Douglas, I have no sympathy,” the judge said. “This was your witness. You should have asked him, or maybe you should have asked your client.”
Anything for a Buddy, PART V
“My next witness is Mrs. Joan Haygarth.” The bailiff delivered the oath and Joan sat down, looking as perplexed and uncomfortable as someone facing a firing squad for square dancing. She had the plain, bespectacled look of a librarian, but without the twinge of bitterness in her soft voice. Her short, mousey brown hair looked as if it had been styled by a mortician with a sense of humor.
“Mrs. Haygarth,” Victoria began, “Do you know Mr. Joshua Riggins?”
“Yes.”
“Speak up, please, Mrs. Haygarth,” the judge cut in. “This isn’t a private conversation.”
“Yes, sir.”
“How do you know Mr. Riggins?” Victoria had already recovered, with ego intact.
“Josh, uh, Mr. Riggins and I have worked together for a few years.”
“At the firm of Grossen and Taylor?”
“Yes, that’s correct.”
“And in what capacity do you know Mr. Riggins?”
“He and I are co-workers.”
“Colleagues.”
“Yes, we have separate offices, but communicate frequently.”
“Your offices are close together?”
“We have offices side by side.”
“Are the walls thick or thin?”
“I don’t really know.”
“Ok, let me rephrase….can you hear conversations in Mr. Riggins’ office?”
“Yes.”
“Always?”
“Mostly.”
“And what have you heard regarding this matter before the court?”
“Mr. Riggins and I are friends……I really don’t want to say.”
Victoria waited. The Judge waited. Even God took a deep breath. Mrs. Haygarth busied herself with twisting her fingers in her lap. The Judge raised one hand and made a circling motion with his forefinger. Get her to take a swing or get her out of the batter’s box.
“Well,” Mrs. Haygarth began slowly. “I overheard something I wasn’t supposed to overhear.”
‘Concerning?”
“Concerning Mr. Riggins….Josh….and a woman who was not his wife.”
“Exactly what did you hear?”
“They…Josh and the woman…were….were making love.”
“How do you know that?”
“I heard noises, moaning and Josh saying what he was doing to her.”
“It was Mr. Riggins’ voice? You’re sure?”
Joan nodded. The Judge spoke up. “Let the record show the witness nodded in the affirmative,” and uttered under his breath, “and doesn’t speak even when she’s spoken to.”
Victoria overheard and decided she better cut her loses. “That’s all I have for this witness,” she said.
Paulie stood and waited a moment before asking, “And you are sure the voice you heard was Mr. Riggins voice?”
“Yes. I know his voice. I hear it everyday.”
“Did you actually see anything?”
“Yes. I saw the woman come out of Josh’s office, looking around and straightening her clothes.”
“What do you mean when you say straightening her clothes?”
“Straightening her skirt.”
“Do you straighten your skirt after you’ve been sitting?” Mrs. Haygarth gave him a blank look. He moved on.
“Did you recognize her?”
“Yes, I know who she is.”
“Don’t keep us in suspense. ”
Mrs. Haygarth looked at the judge. “Do I have to say?”
“I absolve you of all sin,” the judge said.
“I don’t know her name. I just recognized her.”
Paulie continued. “She works in the same building as you and Mr. Riggins?”
“I don’t know. I suppose so.”
“So how did you recognize her? Where had you seen her?”
“She just looked familiar. I can’t remember where I’d seen her.”
“And did Mr. Riggins also come out of the office?”
“No.”
“So you didn’t actually see Mr. Riggins.”
“No.”
“What time of day was this?”
“I don’t remember exactly.”
“Give us a guess.”
Victoria was on her feet. “You’re asking her to guess? Does a guess pass for evidence these days?”
“I withdraw the question. Was it morning or evening and was it during business hours?”
“Business hours. After lunch.”
The questioning dragged on. The judge called a halt at 4 p.m.
It was a long day, but Paulie needed desperately to chat with his client. Josh wanted Alex to be there and Paulie said sure, but “I don’t recommend it and I have to warn you, client privilege doesn’t apply to anyone else. You’re taking a chance. If V.D. puts him on the stand…” He shrugged.
“I want him here. He’s checking up for me…..investigating.”
Paulie’s face lit up. “That’s different. I’ll put Alex on the payroll for a buck a day and he becomes part of the legal team.”
“So, investigator, what have you come up with?” Paulie said.
“What about my lack of a P.I. license?”
Paulie shrugged. “Long as you’re not breaking and entering or lying, who cares?”
Alex directed his question to Josh. “How well do you know your wife?”
“We’ve been married for five years!” A bit of exasperation crept into his voice. “I don’t like what you’re asking or the way you’re asking it. We don’t have secrets.”
Alex was thinking, everyone has secrets, even you, Josh Riggins.
“Your wife thinks you do,” Paulie cut in.
Silence took the podium for almost a full minute.
“Look, I’m grasping at straws,” Alex said. “Just opening all the closet doors, looking for anything hidden or out of place.”
“Cool down,” Paulie said, looking at Josh. “Let the investigator investigate. Right now we got nothing and your loving wife has a firm grip on your goolies.”
“To begin with,” Alex continued, “What’s with the stuff that supposedly went on in your office?”
“I was about to ask that,” Paulie said.
“No clue,” Josh said
Alex wondered if he detected a fleeting shadow of guilt cross Josh’s face, or perhaps just the shock of the accusation.
Then the face cleared. “I told you I didn’t cheat on my wife and that’s the truth. Not in my office. Not anywhere else.”
“What about the kiss on the street corner?” Paulie asked.
The three discussed it, turning over the time, the date, of which they knew little. Paulie kicked himself for not asking the witness more questions, but then he’d had little time before Yula was carted off for her rabies shot.
“I wonder if the mental state was all an act,” Alex said.
“Intentional?” Paulie found this hard to grasp, like someone telling him a turnip was a vegetable.
“V.D. might not have wanted close questioning….” Alex let the idea swing freely in the air.
“I need to get Yula back on the stand,” Paulie said, looking down at the table top as if someone had cheated and left the answers.
The docket was full and the Riggins’ case didn’t come up again for two days.
Alex spent his time checking on Margaret, going door to door in the neighborhood, checking into a charity that listed her on the board of directors. Nothing cracking among the neighbors, some of whom had nothing at all to say, didn’t invite him in and couldn’t wait to close the front door. Divorce and marriage is a private matter and few want to step behind those closed doors and chance having their own doors flung open in front of a judge.
From the charity’s office, The Wealth of Giving, he got a list of the other members of the board. First on the list, Jerrie Gibbons, wouldn’t make any comments. She knew about the divorce and had nothing to add. The next three also didn’t want anything to do with making comments.
“The hens always stick together and I’m the lone rooster,” said the last member of the board, Charlie Scruggs.
“I won’t waste your time, so let’s get down to it. Margaret Riggins is divorcing her husband,” Alex said.
Charlie smiled. “Figured someone would be coming around asking…whose side are you on?”
“The husband’s.”
“Hummmmm….” Charlie rested his chin on his fingertips. “I don’t know much. She’s a beautiful woman and there are always rumors about beautiful women, 99% of those a product of wishful thinking. Part of their allure, or the envy of rumor mongers.”
“What kinds of rumors?”
“The usual. I’m not going to comment on stuff I know nothing about.”
Sounded to Alex like another strikeout. “Well, I thank you for your time.” He turned to leave.
“Well, there is one thing.”
Josh came over to Alex’s house for a beer or two and the first thing he said when he walked through the door was, “I don’t want to talk about the case. I’ve had it up to here,” he said, holding by the back of his palm under his chin.
“So, you want to watch some TV, have a snack, wash your clothes, just sit and sip beer?”
“I’ve been curious. What happened between you and Charlene? I never figured it out. One minute the two of you were together and the next minute you weren’t.”
Alex took a deep breath. He’d never spoken to anyone about the breakup. Even he and Charlene never discussed it fully. It just happened and not even he was sure he knew all the answers. Pretty much just as Josh thought. Pretty much a light switch flicked to off.
Alex sat a time, staring at nothing, barely taking a sip of his beer.
Josh said, “Look, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“No. It’s ok. I just don’t know what to tell you.”
“Take your time.”
The question had caught Alex by surprise. Unlike the many, he never discussed his private life. No complaints. No sad stories. It wasn’t as if he lacked for feelings or didn’t find personal relationships important.
“Call me a careless fatalist,” he said finally, then took another sip of beer.
Josh snapped his fingers. “So just like that it was over and just as fast, you were over her? I find that hard to believe.”
Alex looked him in the eye. “You got it about right. When it’s over it’s over.”
“Have you talked to Charlene since?”
“Couple of times.”
“And?”
“Just said hi in passing.”
“And kept on walking?”
“She was with a girlfriend. At a coffee shop.”
“There was nothing to say. When she left, there was a bit of a scene. Said I didn’t really love her.”
“And did you explain?”
“If a woman thinks you don’t love her, there’s no reason to argue.”
“You just let her walk away.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“She was right. I didn’t really love her.” Alex’s voice carried the sturdy tone of someone who knew who he was and accepted it.
“Damn, you can be a cold bastard.”
“More like an honest bastard.”
When Paulie, Josh and Alex met again in Paulie’s office, the first words that crawled out of Paulie’s mouth were, “What has our investigator found out?” He said it with a rye smile, expecting little to nothing.
If Josh hadn’t pushed him, friend or not, Alex would be out the door. Back in the youthful, collegiate days, Alex was one of those who studied less and achieved more. Not something easily forgiven.
Alex recounted what he’d told Josh. Paulie waved a dismissive hand.
“I’m no lawyer,” Alex said, “But, I wouldn’t toss all this stuff just yet.”
“You’re right. You’re not a lawyer. The Judge won’t buy it. Has nothing to do with the witness testimony.”
“It has everything to do with the witness testimony. Yula is certifiable.”
“Maybe…” Paulie chewed his bottom lip as he mulled it over. “But anyway, the judge already knows that.”
“Does he know Yula is under the care of a psychiatrist?”
“For what?”
“She been arrested twice for shoplifting. Might have something to do with it.”
“And how about Joan Haygarth?”
Alex held up his hands palms up and shrugged.
“Most importantly,” Alex said, “is what I found out about Margaret.”
They both looked at him. Josh frowned as if he was afraid to know.
“First off, she hasn’t been divorced once. She’d been divorced twice.”
Josh looked like he’d been smashed hard in the face. “I….I….”
“Meaningless,” Paulie said. “Curious, but meaningless.”
“I’m just getting started. She got married to Josh before her second divorce.”
Paulie whistled. “Bigamy!”
“That’s not all. She’s still collecting alimony from husband number two.”
Paulie piped up, “How could that happen? Number two must have known she’d remarried.”
“He’s a contractor. Been working all over the world.”
“And he never checked?”
“Apparently not, but I have some good news,” Alex said.
“Can’t wait,” Paulie said.
“I found him. Name is Allen Klein. He’s in Taiwan at present, but has agreed to FaceTime, if the judge permits it. There’s something else.”
Anything for a Buddy, PART VI
Paulie put Joan Hayworth back on the stand. “You forgot to mention a few things,” he said, “The first being that there are many offices near you…..”
“Yes!” she interrupted, “but I know it was Mr. Riggins voice.”
“So, you know it was his voice, but you don’t know if it was coming from his office?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Let’s forget the question of whose office for a moment and allow you to confirm that you knew it was his voice. Listen to these recordings and tell me which one is Mr. Riggins.”
Victoria was on her feet. “This is an outrage! I know nothing about his recording, how it was made, whether it was coerced, who is involved!”
Paulie turned to Victoria in a flash. “The witness already said she knows his voice and can pick it out of the dozens of office voices she must hear daily.”
Judge Sherman slammed his gavel down hard enough for birds to flutter and saints to wonder if earthquakes had come to heaven. “I want both of you to approach the bench, Now!”
“In my courtroom, you will address me directly, not squabble with each other. Neither of you will be making the judgment call on what is admissible. Is that clear to everyone?”
“Yes, your honor.”
“Yes, your honor.”
“Ms. Douglas, you’re an experienced litigator and I expect you to know the rules.” The judges’ eyes turned to Paulie. “I believe this is your first time in my courtroom, but I expect just as much from you.”
“Yes, your honor.” Paulie’s voice was strong.
“Ok,” said the judge, “Now that that’s settled, I’m going to allow the recording. But, Ms. Douglas the court will assign an expert to examine the digital recording and determine its authenticity before it’s presented as evidence.”
“The court?” Victoria asked, her voice on the edge of rudeness. “In my experience, this is unprecedented!”
“Nevertheless….” the judge began.
“But, your honor…..” Victoria’s face scrunched up in a deep frown, “that may take some time.”
The judge interrupted her interruption. “Counselor, your witness already claimed twice that she could identify Mr. Riggins voice through an office wall. Let’s find out if she can. Meanwhile the court will process the evidence as quickly as possible.
Josh leaned in to whisper to Paulie. Paulie sat up straight. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” he whispered back.
“It slipped my mind! I just thought of it.”
Two weeks, passed.
When the court was called to order, the judge announced, “The expert the court appointed to verify the authenticity of the recording is Dr. Joseph Masters. Dr. Masters has over twenty years experience, including working hand in hand with the FBI, and has verified evidence for cases before the State Supreme Court.”
“Am I going to be allowed to question the expert witness?” Victoria asked.
“Yes, of course.
“Your honor,” Paulie said, “I have another question for the previous witness, Mrs. Haygarth.”
“Very well.”
In the mishmash of procedure, Mrs. Haygarth was once again called to the stand and reminded she was still under oath.
“Mrs. Haygarth, it’s important that you narrow down the date when you heard this conversation through your office wall.”
Victoria was on her feet again. “Your honor, we have been through this before and the witness already said she didn’t know exactly.”
“Can she at least tell me the month?”
Victoria looked toward Mrs. Haygarth. “I think…I think it was late September, or maybe early October.”
“Are you sure?” Paulie asked.
“I can’t be completely sure.”
Victoria spoke up, “Your honor, I want to know why a specific date is so important.”
Paulie’s turn to sound smug. “Your honor, it’s important because my client was out of the office from the middle of September until the middle of October.”
Victoria looked at Mrs. Riggins and then at the witness, as if to ask, is this true?
Paulie continued. “He took his wife to Honolulu for two weeks and on their return, he went straight to a conference in Orlando.”
“I know his voice,”Mrs. Haygarth said, and this time she said it loudly enough to startle cockroaches.
“So, you see,” Paulie said, “we may not even need to hear the digital recording. My client wasn’t there.”
As soon as the court adjourned for the day, Paulie, Josh, and Alex met in Paulie’s office. “I think we’re doing ok,” Paulie said.
“Not so sure,” Alex said, looking at Josh. “We’ve got two women saying they saw or heard you making clever moves with other women. You debate it, but for the judge it may still be up in the air.”
“What are you talking about? Yula is out of her mind, and I wasn’t there when Joan Haygarth said I was.”
“All of that may be true,” Paulie said, “but even if none of it is true, there’s still Margaret’s argument for all your money and worldly possessions, and a big chunk of alimony.”
The Judge said he would consider the testimony and render a decision on the following Tuesday.
“Let me talk to Joan Haygarth,” Alex said.
Paulie shook his head. “No can do. You’re on the team. In two words: witness tampering.”
Alex turned to Josh. “Who else in the office could I have a chat with?”
Josh took his time answering. “Well….Billy Mason, Charlie Miscoto, Janet Johnson, Tyrone Bender…..lots of folks work on that floor.
While Paulie and Josh schemed and plotted, Alex prowled hallways looking for the names Paulie gave him. Two were in a meeting and Janet Johnson had a bigger office and a secretary to bar the way. He finally chased down Tyrone Bender, who was also in a meeting, but an unknown employee stepped out of the conference room, saw Alex standing there and murmured the meeting would be over soon.
Soon grew like a weed in a monsoon. Alex found a waiting room across the hall and studied a magazine for another forty-five minutes. The first to leave was a tall black guy. Alex walked toward him.
Anything for a Buddy, PART VII
“Who are you looking for?”
“Tyrone Bender.”
“You’ve found him.” Alex stuck out his hand and Tyrone shook it. After a short explanation of why he was there, Alex followed him back to a rather elegant office, with a window that looked out over the city.
“Take a seat and tell me the details.”
“Did you know Josh was getting a divorce?”
“Yeah, I’d heard that. Tough situation.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Divorces are always tough, at least from my perspective.”
“Been there, huh?”
“And back.” Tyrone laughed. “Most expensive sex in the world. But, what has Josh’s matrimonial nightmare have to do with me?”
“Not a thing. I’m just chasing down a time line.”
Just as he was finishing, Alex got a call from Josh. “Find out anything?”
“Yeah. Your business meetings last longer than mine.”
“Anything else?”
“Nobody drinks during office hours and I’m parched.”
“Wanna meet?”
“Yep. Bar at the Drinks-a-Million.”
“That place is busy as hell this time of day!”
“Meet ya there in 30 minutes.”
As Josh had said, Drinks-a-Million was SRO at the bar, but toward the back of the room, they found a table being vacated.
While the server ran off to fetch their drinks, Josh started in. “What’s so secret you couldn’t tell me on the phone? And who’d you talk to?”
“I had a chat with Tyrone.”
Next morning, in Paulie’s office they discussed the problem.
“Turns out I was in my office between the time I came back from Hawaii and when I left for Orlando,” Josh said.
Paulie’s eyebrows shot up. He reached for some words and missed.
“I wasn’t there long,” Josh said, “maybe a couple of hours. Sat at my desk for a while and picked up some folders for the conference.”
“Anything else you forgot?”
Paulie spent the rest of the day preparing the case and wondering how he was going to bleed in the new information. He suggested another meeting over dinner. Alex begged off and chose to have supper alone at a large hotel. He sat at a semi-private table in an alcove, where he could see the main dining room, but didn’t have to put up with being surrounded by a cacophony of conversations. As he sipped his wine, across the main room, who should appear but Victoria Douglas and the younger man who attended ever court session and sat alone in the back row. While others may have guessed at him being her lover, Alex seldom guessed. Guessing was a stumbling block on a lazy road to nowhere. Time at the negotiating table had taught him, you either knew for certain or you didn’t.
After supper, when Victoria and her companion left, Alex followed. Victoria got her own cab and as soon as it pulled away, Alex walked up to the companion and began a conversation, starting with, “Haven’t I seen you in court?”
He retrieved some interesting information, none of which to do directly with the trial, but all of which had to do with Victoria Douglas. He wanted to feed it to Paulie, but Paulie’s cell went straight to voice mail.
Next morning, when court resumed, Paulie put Mrs. Haygarth back on the stand. But before he spoke to her, he spoke to the judge, tiptoeing as lightly as he could. “Your honor, my client misspoke when he told me he was not at work when Mrs. Haygarth overheard him in the office next to hers.”
Victoria managed a wane smile, not sure where this was going, but suspecting she wasn’t going to like it.
“He wasn’t there because his office had been moved the week before he left on vacation.” He turned to the witness. “Mrs. Haygarth, did you realize that?”
The witness sat in silence and looked at Victoria, pleading for a correct answer.
“The witness will answer the question.”
She looked at the judge. “Don’t look at me,” the judge said, “I’m not the one who asked.”
She redirected her eyes. “I….I didn’t know.”
Paulie pressed on. “Are you sure? Don’t forget you’re under oath.”
Victoria was on her feet, but before she could speak, the judge beat her to it. “Ms. Douglas, reminding the witness that she is under oath is not badgering.” Victoria sat down.
With the witness excused, Paulie tossed the grenade. “Mrs. Riggins is illegally accepting alimony from a previous spouse, an alimony that should have ceased with her marriage to my client.”
A major battle rocked the courtroom, with both attorneys taking fire.
Paulie asked that Margaret’s second husband be allowed to testify with FaceTime. The Judge called his expert back to explain FaceTime, how it worked and how safe it was or was not in respect to testimony in a court of law.
Victoria asked for an adjournment to consult with her client. The judge allowed the court to break for lunch and reconvene in three hours.
Victoria objected. “That does not give me enough time to plow through the particulars and thoroughly discuss this with my client.”
“I will adjourn the proceeding to hear privately from the expert and rather than take up time in open court, I invite the counsels to be present for what I hope is a short meeting. I will add this time to the previously announced three hour adjournment.”
With court back in session, the judge said, “We have had an expert testify that FaceTime is suitable.”
Victoria plied Dr. Masters with questions that went nowhere. It seems as if her normally keen edge was dulled, as if her mind were somewhere else. Paulie of course was jubilant.
As expected, Margaret’s second husband, Allen Klein testified he was still paying alimony, with the money being sent to a small bank in another state.
“Ms. Douglas, do you wish to question the witness?”
“Indeed I do and I only have one question. Who are you? Mrs. Riggins is ready to swear under oath that you are not and never have been her husband.”
Paulie turned in his seat and looked back three rows where Alex sat. Alex got up, sat behind Paulie and whispered. “I checked this guy out. I saw the county clerk’s record of marriage and the data from the Spotsville Natiional Bank in Spotsville, Arkansas.”
“But, did you see a photo of him? And did you see the divorce decree?”
“No. I chatted with him on FaceTime as we’re doing now.”
“So we don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not and we don’t know if Margaret is either!” Paulie frowned.
“I want both counselors to approach the bench, and I mean now,” the judge said.
Apparently, both had been caught by surprise, but Victoria was certainly not going to show it.
“We’ve got a royal mess here,” the judge said. “I’m going to recess for another two hours. Mr. Christopher, you’re going to contact the company Mr. Allen works for and confirm his identity. Mrs. Douglas, you are going to chat with your client and find out exactly who she’s been married to and when. You will also provide the paperwork to prove her information. I don’t intend to be bushwhacked every damn time we saddle up! Am I making myself clear?”
“Your honor, two hours is barely enough time to procure legal paperwork,” Victoria said.
“I will accept faxed copies with a coversheet that shows who faxed them. Try that first and if that’s impossible, we’ll deal with it.”
“Kind of you,” Victoria said under her breath.
Paulie heard it and chuckled. But, his job was a tough as hers. Two words covered it: Time Zones. Taiwan was twelve hours ahead. Three o’clock in the morning there.
Alex saw the frown and asked, “Worried about the time zone?”
Pauie blinked twice.
“You forget I travel all over the world. You’ve got a couple of choices. You can call his office in Taipei. They probably have someone on duty, or you can call the corporate office in the States,” Alex said.
“You think I speak Chinese?”
“You look Chinese,” Alex said.
“Asshole.”
“That’s not Chinese,” Alex said.
“How about you call China and I’ll call for the marriage license and divorce papers.”
“Won’t do any good,” Alex said. He smiled.
“But, you just told me…”
“China is a different country, although China would disagree.”
“I don’t have fucking time for a fucking geography lesson.” Paulie had that frazzled look of having the bottom fall out of a full bag of groceries.
“No worries. I’ll call Taiwan. He FaceTimed us, right? I’ll FaceTime him back. Wake his poverty stricken ass up.”
When the court reconvened, Paulie was first up to bat. “We contacted Mr. Klein and I have a photo, marriage license, the divorce decree, and his contact information to introduce as evidence. Ms. Douglas has been forthright in allowing me to see her client’s hidden bank account. The court will find that Mr. Allen Klein is who he says he is, her second husband and has in fact been sending her alimony for the entire time she has been married to my client.”
“Anything to add, Ms. Douglas?” the judge asked.
“Yes, your honor. My client spoke in haste and the face on the monitor was not a good likeness. She wishes to withdraw her statement.”
“That’s all well and good, but what about her concealment of a bank account with the illegal payments of alimony?”
“She is willing to repay the entire amount to Mr. Klein.”
‘Oh, she’s going to do more than that, Ms. Douglas. Of course your client will return the money in full, but I’m going to hold her in contempt for withholding information in an attempt to defraud. I assume when I turn the information over to the District Attorney, he may well choose to prosecute. In fact, I would suggest that he do so, but that is beyond my purview.”
While the judge dealt with Victoria, Alex, Paulie and Josh huddle for a quick and somewhat lively conference. “Did you notice the dates on the divorce decree and her date of marriage to Josh?” Alex whispered.
“They looked good to me,” Paulie said.
“Look again,” Alex said.
This time, it was Josh who spoke. “Holy shit!”
“Keep your voice down,” Paulie whispered.
All the while, the judge kept talking. “For contempt of court, I order a sentence of two week of incarceration in the county jail, to be suspended if she repays the full amount of alimony within 30 days….”
“Your honor, that is near $50,000 and my client has no money unless the court allows a generous settlement in the matter before the court.”
“I have no intention of doing that, but….”
“Then my client will not have sufficient funds to…”
“Ms. Douglas, if you continue to interrupt, I will also find you in contempt.”
“I apologize your honor.”
Paulie stood up. “Your honor, I have something significant to add.”
“Speak up,” the judge said, “but make it fast.”
Paulie held up a sheaf of papers and shook them slightly. “According to these legal documents of the Klein divorce and the Riggins marriage, my client was never legally married to the woman who represents herself as his wife.”
“Care to explain that a little more carefully?” the judge asked.
“May I approach, your honor?”
“Yes, and Ms. Douglas, I want you up here, too,” the judge said.
Paulie spread the papers out in front of the judge and pointed a finger at the first paper. “You see this date on the divorce decree?”
“Hummmm….yes and what of it?” the judge asked.
“Now look at the date on the Riggins marriage certificate,” Paulie said. “Mrs. Riggins married my client several months before her divorce from Mr. Klein. She’s not only a thief for taking alimony under false pretenses, but a bigamist as well.”
Shock showed on Victoria’s face. “Not your finest hour,” the judge said.
“We are going to adjourn for today,” he continued, “and I want to see you both in my office before you leave the court house.”
The next day, with the court back in session, the judge began with an announcement. “The court finds that civil matters have become entwined with criminal matters. In this courtroom, we cannot settle both. I will rule on the civil matters and leave the criminal matters for the proper venue.”
“In addition to my previously stated positions on repayment of alimony, furthermore, your client is to do 300 hours of community service for making a mockery of the court and wasting the court’s time.”
Josh leaned over and whispered to Paulie. Paulie shook his head no. Josh became more agitated.
“Mr. Christopher, is there something you wish to share with the court before we all grow too much older?”
Paulie got to his feet and braced his hands on the desk. “Your honor, my client, against my advice, has agreed to repay the full amount of alimony.”
“Is there an ‘and’ or a ‘but’ hiding in bushes in this garden of generosity?”
“Indeed there is, your honor. He will pay the full amount if and only if that becomes the only property or money to be included in the settlement.”
“Still sounds generous,” the judge said. “And Ms. Douglas, will your client agree to drop all other claims to the estate, including real property?”
Margaret was on her feet! “I won’t agree to anything like that! It’s not fair for him to take everything.”
“Shall I withdraw the suspended sentence,” said the judge, “Or would you rather have some time to talk it over with your attorney?”
Paulie couldn’t believe it. Margaret was halfway out of her chair. Only Victoria’s quick grip on her shoulder stopped her.
“Ms. Douglas, I will give you a short ten minutes to converse with your client. You may use the anteroom through that door,” he said, pointing.
In the solitude of the anteroom, Victoria did her best to calm Margaret down. “I’m afraid you’ve backed yourself into a corner. You lied about a number of things, and I personally feel that you may be hiding even more. None of that puts a smile on a judge’s face and I’m not overjoyed that my client lied to me, making me an accessory.
Here’s what’s going to happen if you go back in that courtroom and turn down your husband’s offer. You’ll land in jail and you’ll end up with nothing, plus he’ll get to keep his nearly $50,000. Those sound appealing?
Or, we can walk back in there, give an honest mia culpa, and walk away with no jail time and your debt paid in full.”
Nearly always in control in a courtroom, Victoria now found herself on the losing end of what should have been a slam-dunk. She had represented so many wives, some abused, some just tired of marriage, but never had she had a client so incapable of telling the truth. The woman lied with every word she spoke, both to her and to her investigator. At this point, the vindictive part of Victoria raged like a forest fire. She found herself wanting Margaret to turn down the offer, wanted to see her behind bars. Now, she, Victoria, the punisher of errant husbands, had gotten a courtroom thrashing from a nearly incapable opponent. Victoria wanted this trial over, her only consolation being that this scalding defeat was with a common divorce and not a headline making celebrity circus. She sighed deeply.
This time, Victoria’s persuasive powers overcame her client’s vindictive temperament, or perhaps it was that her client finally succumbed to the inevitability. In any event, she followed Victoria’s advice.
This time Paulie bought the drinks at the Ritz Carlton.
They sat at a table and were served with a young woman dressed in black slacks and a white blouse.
“One thing I don’t understand is why she lied when she knew she’d be caught?” Paulie asked.
“Easy,” Alex offered, “She didn’t think she’d ever be caught. That’s why she was so irate. Her only remorse was getting caught.”
“I’ve got a question,” Josh said. “Who was the youngish guy in the back row?”
“Victoria’s investigator,” Alex said, “her nephew, and this was his first time in the ring. Now aren’t you glad you had me?”
“Victoria Douglas turned out not to be the fierce tiger you thought she was,” Paulie said smugly.
“She’s got a lot more on her mind. She figured this would be a simple, no sweat divorce,” Alex said.
Both men looked at him, waiting to hear more. Alex didn’t disappoint. “According to her investigator, whom I would guess will never again be employed by her, V.D.’s accountant is being investigated by the I.R.S. Lately, when not in court, she’s had her back to the wall dealing with the Tax Trappers.”
Paulie laughed out loud. “The famous slayer of husbands is going to jail!”
“From what little I know,” Alex said, “that’s not likely to happen. I think it’s her accountant that’s started wearing Depends for Men.”
Pauly cut in, “Josh, ever figure out who that woman was you kissed on the street corner?”
“Yep,” Josh said. He smiled.
