Marginal Tower Football

 

Marginal Tower

 

Marginal Tower was a small town…make that a tiny town on the outskirts of nowhere.  Even so, it had a football team that hadn’t won a game in years.

 

No one remembers how Marginal Tower got its name.  

 

The same with the town’s school.  Some say it was a French schoolteacher who named it, but he wrote the name in French and a poor translation, combined with spelling errors came out:  School for Witless Flesh Eaters.  

 

Time moved on and the name of the school changed from here to there, like the roving arrow on a Weegie Board.  At present it was called Marginal Tower High School. 

 

The football team was first called The Warriors, but a one eighth member of a long forgotten Native American tribe was upset.  Fourteen law firms vied to be the savor of this vile transgression and the name was changed to The Fighting Cats, until PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, went to court with the argument that when football teams lost, the phrase was: they had been beaten.  Fighting Cats who were beaten just didn’t fit well with the PETA advocates.  To no avail, the town sought support of another PETA group: People Eating Tasty Animals.  In the end, the county couldn’t afford a court battle.  The name was changed to the Rickshaws, which lasted until a young female Chinese student at Uptown Tech University, who was studying the ancient Egyptian use of chalk, with a minor in Egyptian worship of sand dollars, decided Rickshaws was a misappropriation of Chinese culture.

 

This time the county voted on a name change.  The biggest vote getter, Dead Fucking Rats, was overruled by the school board.  The second in line, Mouseketeers, was vetoed by the Disney Company.  TV stations balked at The Walking Dead, even if the football team fit the description.

 

But, America was changing.  The team now had a black quarterback and an Asian tight end.  Yes, even with squawks from the homosexual community, the team still used that description.  The center position was filled by a native American of the Arapahoe tribe.

 

The name changed to the Horse Loving Chopstick Tomahawks and in deference to others in the community, the school colors were changed to black and pink, with the school song sung with a lisp.

 

The football coach was dismissed for uttering, “Thank god they didn’t beat us by more!”  This was considered prayer on school property. 

 

The position was soon filled by a rather large woman, Matilda Blattsworthy, who had once played Parcheesi.  She lost her position after a domestic argument with her wife that led to an hour-long discharge of munitions, including flamethrowers and grenades and the governor calling out the National Guard.  Charges were soon dismissed when Matilda agree to attend anger management classes at the Army’s artillery range, and with the judge’s decree, “Let’s just let bygones be bygones.”

 

However complains from her neighbors led to anonymous threats of death by liposuction.  

 

Matilda sued the school board on grounds that all events happened off school property and after school hours.  She was awarded $250,000 and given the position of guidance counselor.  As a result of the cash award, the football team had no money for helmets, which meant they played much more carefully, but still lost.

 

The Marginals became the team’s unofficial name, which angered some psychologists, who preferred, Logicians Without Portfolio.