Graammar 

                  And

               Wheere

                           It’s

 

                                  Gooooing

 

 

 

Narrator (N): Our guest today is the noted grammarian, Dr. Jane Plain, BA, MA, PhD, Etc, and noted grammarian.  Dr. Plain has been on this program before and now she’s back with more exciting grammar points.

As you know, Dr. Plain also plays polo and can really give those balls a good wallop. 

 

Welcome back Dr. Plain!  I can see in your eyes how exciting grammar is and I’m so glad you came to bring excitement to the readers and I.

 

Doctor Plain (DP):  Well, to begin, it should be “the readers and me.”  You bring excitement to me.

 

N:  I’m glad to hear that I do.

 

DP:  No, no, I mean the phrase you spoke should be “..to the readers and me,” not the readers and I.  You can’t bring excitement to I.

 

N:  I’m sorry to hear that and I think it’s time for a station break before I slap those pronouns off your silly face. I’m joking of course, those pronouns are welcome to stay….on your silly face! hahahaha

 

Station Break

 

N:  Shall we begin again?

 

DP: Someone said….I think it was an Englishman, from a country where English is still spoken….that Americans never use one word when two will do.  Whoever it was, he missed the half of it.  Grammar in America has been discarded. The illiteracy of the masses has filled the gap with nearly incomprehensible rubbish.

 

Sometimes I find myself eavesdropping on some of this almost unbearable gibberish. It often takes me days. to get over it.  Let me give you a few examples…make that many examples. Disgusting examples. Horrific examples, and sadly many come from the mouths of educators. 

 

I’m often called a member of the GRAMMAR POLICE.  Not true.  Not only do I never arrest anyone, as thoughtful as that might be, nor do I make any attempt at correcting the boorish. That would be like trying to teach a pig to sing.  It only frustrates you and annoys the pig.

 

How often have you heard:  Where are you AT?  If you insist on adding AT, I suggest chewing on a piece of straw and saying DANG and HONEY while you say it.

 

Or:  “Where are you going TO?” As if “Where are you going?” is causing confusion.  Drop the TO and point in different directions with a puzzled look.  Where are you going?  TO or FRO?

 

Then, there are some of my favorite idiot expressions.  I don’t EVEN know.  ODDs are you don’t, and never will.

 

Or:  I’ve never seen that IN MY LIFE.  Maybe you saw it in someone else’s life?  Perhaps I’ve never seen it in your life.

 

N:  Goodness I hope not.

 

DP: Of course we hear the interminable LIKE, galloping like a snake-bitten horse through every sentence!

 

I was LIKE talking to LIKE everyone.  My question is:  LIKE talking? How much LIKE talking? Actually whistling, but it sounded LIKE talking?  LIKE everyone? LIKE a few, but not everyone?

 

Here are some helpful hints:  I was talking to everyone.  I was talking to almost everyone.  The dog was growling, but it sounded as if he were talking.

 

Going to the next LEVEL, or taking it to the NEXT LEVEL. This overly used expression is especially prominent in sports.  How do you know when you make it to the NEXT LEVEL? Where exactly is the next LEVEL?  Depends on where you start, does it not?  But, aren’t there several levels?  Which one are you talking about?  You sure you’re being on the LEVEL?

 

OFF the CHARTS.  Which charts? Did your pumping heart just overpower the EKG and go off the chart?  Now, I agree Columbus did go off the charts.

 

BLUE IN COLOR?  As opposed to Blue in size?  I’d like to buy a shirt that’s blue in smell, also an apple that’s red in circumference.

A YOUNG AGE:  He learned it at a YOUNG AGE. What's wrong with he learned it as a child, or he learned it when he was young? Or as a toddler, or as an infant, or as a school girl?  Specificity works well.

 

ACTUALLY, I’m going downtown.  I going downtown works very well, unless you’re not going, then I’m not going downtown is a great substitute.  Perhaps you hesitate to go downtown?

 

BASICALLY.  Will someone please tell me where that fits into a sentence because BASICALLY I don’t know.

 

He caught the biggest fish IN THE WORLD (or ON THE PLANET)!  Where else do you think he might have caught it?  Pluto?  The moon? Wait a sec; Pluto is no longer a planet.  Just didn’t make it to the next level.

 

PRICE POINT.   Car salesmen and realtors feel the need to make things sound more official, or more important and complex, or to make the customer feel he just reached the next level.  The customer isn’t just looking at the price.  Ordinary folks do that.  He’s much more clever. He’s mulling over THE PRICE POINT!

 

A corollary to PRICE POINT is INVESTING, or INVESTMENT.  When I invest in something, I’m trying my best to make money, or put myself in a better financial shape, or position.  I invest in my education. I invest in my relationship.  There are other examples, but they don’t include INVESTING in something like a regular car, not a classic, or a pair of shoes, unless they were worn by Fred Astaire or Michael Jordan.  Normal purchases are not going to make you money, unless the shoes are part of an outfit for an interview that might get you a job.  But, I doubt you’d pass the like interview.

 

I’ve been in a grocery store and heard the clerk say, “You SAVED $12.56.”  Did I really save that much? I’m so happy!  I can’t wait to be a millionaire. How about, "You just spent half your weekly income."

 

Then there’s the misuse of pronouns….oh, where to start….or better yet, where to finish?  Let’s take one I just mentioned, the use of I instead of me and the use of he instead of him.  The pronoun me is treated like a cur with mange.  Nobody wants to touch it, or use it.  He gave it to he and I.  No he didn’t.  He didn’t give it to he and he didn’t give it to I.  He gave it to him and me. 

 

Next up HATE/HATERS:  This, as with the word LOVE, is an overused term, so vague as to mean everything from disagreeing, to being very unhappy that you got a concealed carry permit.  

 

Lets try some more descriptive words that get your point across.  I don’t HATE her, but she disgusts me.  I disapprove and find him atrocious.   I really don’t like her. Also, she reeks of last year’s opinions and I dislike her potty mouth.  He has a face like an overcooked brisket.  She is not fat, she is a well fed rodent.  He is, too.  She is too stupid to be a scullery maid. I find his vocabulary inadequate.

 

You may never hear this phrase: He is not a HATER, he simply disagrees with me. 

 

Now let’s get back to LOVE.  I LOVE my dog, I LOVE my shoes, I LOVE this delicious salad, and by the way, I LOVE my mother.  Also, I would LOVE it if you used proper grammar!  Rubbish!  Let’s introduce some other words into your piddling vocabulary.  LIKE, AM FOND OF, APPRECIATE, DELIGHTFUL, DELICIOUS, and so many more.  You may know the ancient Greeks had eight words for love.  Our one word usage is smeared on everything from a lover’s lips to buttered toast!

 

As the song goes in My Fair Lady, “Why can’t the English teach their children how to speak?” Golly like Honey, basically we ‘Mericans have like reached the edge of the like cliff.  When it comes to like grammar, we’re off the charts, gone down to the bottom level, worst on the planet, worst I’ve ever seen in my life, and I like actually don’t know where we’re headed to!  But, I’ve got an idea.  Hope all you haters go›t the message!

 

N:   Well, Dr. Plain, I have certainly found this time to be exhilarating, exciting, and so forth.  I hope you will visit us again and good luck finding your true love.  But, perhaps you already have and are wearing them on your feet