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Thursday, August 29, 2013

Verbal Perversions


Some words and expressions should be hung, drawn, and quartered.  If you're one of those who don't support capital punishment for verbal perversions, stop reading right now, you ignorant bastard. 

I won't mention political and pc euphemisms.  Verbal overcoats, pillowcases, and baby blankets tossed over verbal wharf rats.  Stick with me and try to keep breakfast down while we slide our naked hands into a garbage pail of putrid words and expressions.

Words that involve bodily functions.  What you do with your body should forever remain a secret between you and the hamster.  I make exceptions for inoffensive words such as sneeze, hiccup, cough, as well as descriptions of female body parts, and legal sexual encounters.

Other machinations that switch the button in my brain from ‘friendly’ to ‘you must be a moron:’

Misuse of personal pronouns.  Let’s take, “He gave it to her and I.”  Her and I?  Wad that one up and fling it like a stick yearning for dog slobber.  “I” is a subject, but we don’t have to get all teary eyed and grammatical.  Just break it down.  “He gave it to her,” and “He gave it to I?”  Me is not a four letter word.

Like.  Enough said.

Right?  You expect me to confirm “I was walking down the street, right?”  Fuck if I know.  I’ll take your word for it.

Multitasking.  I get it.  You’re capable of not fully concentrating on several things at once.  “Simple tasks, such as tapping my foot, while licking a stamp, are exceptions.”  Really?  How many times did you tap your foot?  And why did you lick a self-sticker?

Quality time.  “Rip off those clothes, baby and stand by for some quality time before I race to your sister’s.”

Try.  "I’ll try to get to it tomorrow."  Fine, you can surprise the both of us.

A known fact.  Thank god you’re not throwing the unknowns at me, which we abbreviate as:  bullshit.  But then, you wouldn’t know that.

Actually.  “Actually, I’m going to China.”  Actually, I hope you won’t be teaching English.

Officially.  “I’m officially dating again.”  I’ll take it from here and warn the other officials, small dogs, and men with elephant guns.

You know.  I do?  I didn't know that.

OK.  "I've got too much to do today, ok?"  Fine with me.  Now beat it and take your ESL book with you.

 The fact that.  Amputate that phrase and chuck it in the dumpster!  Replace it with a simple word out of Mr. English's happy hat.  'Because' will usually do.

Now that we have all that officially straight, you know, we can like actually move on to known facts, right?  Ok?  Absolutely!


  1. Who was our cliche detective in Harriett's class? Johnny the weatherman. I recall him going through a Sue Grafton novel and picking at it.

  2. Dac, it's all I can do to keep from using a correction pen while I'm reading. When I see too many awkward phrases, I just give up in disgust. Lots of very poor writing being published these days. Why is that? Readers? Editors?

  3. Yikes, I'm never sending you an email again. Actually, I debated about this comment.