Expressions to Avoid, says Mildred von Stickler

Today’s guest Blogger is Mildred von Stickler, a retired grammarian, bravely bearing up under the plague of stilted syntax in today’s clichéd conversations.  Mildred, as she likes to be called, in a bow to egalitarianism, has problems with what she sees as all too common American English.  By common she means plebeian, uneducated, faulty, and worthy of a blast of buckshot.  Her questions and statements spear the heart of the matter.  Enough introduction, and now on to Mildred von Sticker’s thoughts:

Failure is not an option.  What are the other options?  And why is failure not on the list? Shouldn’t it be?  Is failure always a bad thing? Failure to forget your wife’s birthday, failure to spend all your money, failure to thrash your neighbor’s dog when he poops on your lawn, failure to thrash your neighbor when he refuses to pick it up!  Are those not good and reasonable failures?  I say we stand tall for the benefits of failure and put failure back on the list!

Taking it to another level.  How many levels are there?  List them in order and please tell me what level I’m on. If I’m on the fifth floor and take the elevator to the third floor, am I not taking it to another level?  And how about levelheaded?  Perhaps a surgeon should take you to the next level.

The exact opposite.  I’ve never heard of an inexact opposite.  John is the exact opposite of Jerry.  But, how can John be the exact opposite of Jerry, if John is missing a few critical elements.  Perhaps the baldness and missing a few teeth, not to mention his vasectomy, may give you a few clues to ponder.   The exact same thing is an offshoot of tangled, unnecessary American English. The exact other thing? The same thing does very well by itself, or do you toss it in there because you stutter. John may the opposite of Jerry in many ways, but certainly not exact.

Free gifts.  Here’s your birthday present. I’ll send your bill in the mail.  And what if you don’t want the gift, free or not, Chlamydia being a prime example.  Acme Department Store and Dog Shelter wants to send you a free gift.  Why do they want my physical and email address.  If it’s free, just send me the damn gift.

The best cheery pie I’ve even eaten in my life.  Now if you’d said, that was the best appendectomy I’ve had in my life, I’d sense a good story coming my way.  Mine is the best wife I’ve had in my life is another good tale waiting in the wings.  Sometimes, even without the unneeded and over used in my life accompaniment I’m willing to listen to a good yarn, well told: “ It was the best sex I’ve had!”

Over the top.  Over the top of what?  Is under the bottom the exact opposite?   Can’t be.  Opposites cannot be the same or exact! Maybe it’s snowing over the top. Maybe I’m happy where I am. Over the top of what?

Have a good one!  All the ones I’ve got are pretty good, if not perfect.  Obviously you disagree, so where do I begin my search for better ones?  Please be more specific, but no fondling.  Just point me in the right direction!

Raising the bar.   What’s wrong with the bar just as it is?  Good drinks.  Reasonably priced.  I say lowering the bar makes much more sense, especially considering some of the patrons are handicapped. 

Serve up. Why do we say serve up with some things and not with others?  He served up a great hamburger.  And why won’t served or serve suffice?

However, Mildred von Sticker makes an exception for:  He served up a wonderful champagne and a voyage to Tahiti as a free gift. 

Where I’m at.  I hear this annoyance all the time, even in my own family. Where I am, works just fine and doesn’t sound like English wasn’t your first language, or your power of speech was taken down a level, or is under the top.

Last, but not least,” Mildred says, is the casual hyperbole, To die for!  It fascinates me the things people are willing to die for. Kitchen cabinets, a big television screen, broccoli casserole, and Depends. I raise my sights a bit higher than my waistline and someone else’s kitchen cabinets.  But, Depends might catch my attention.

I understand my friend, Mildred can be a little stiff and taxing, but I offer you the free gift of her comments, which are both over the top and taken to another level.  For Mildred, failure is never an option.

Please Allow Me To Annoy You!

Please Allow Me To Annoy You!

Doctor Featherweight is here to clear your mind after endless days of living with the scourge of selecting a cocktail for breakfast. “To drink or not to drink?” And, does Bourbon go well with orange juice? Perhaps your significant other is peering at you with the eyes of a ravenous hawk. Should you slide the juice back in the frig, or pretend to sip it before reaching for the Jim Beam?

But, Doctor Featherweight’s keen observations reach far deeper into the psyche than the choice of libations.  She taught composition for years, a subject that apparently is now too elitist to be taught in today’s no student is wrong, and one-size-fits-no-one classrooms.

Are there little bits of composition here and there that annoy your addled brain even more than the sophomoric tales on the Hallmark channel? Doctor Featherweight not only offers her sympathies, but offers to share her Bourbon. 

Perhaps you’ve even tired of your favorite love story,  “Ebola Saves Christmas.”  Or, maybe formerly delightful yard work has taken on the fiery specter of hell? 

She’d bet, the top of your list is the human tendency to lead us from conceptual thought back into the darkest cave years of grunts and barking.

Dr. Featherstone is pushed toward anger, as so many are, with insipid expressions that have become only as pleasing as seeing children picking their noses for breakfast.  She wonders if we are being led like lemmings, to joyfully leap off the Cliff of Clichés?

Take for example, the “The fact that,…”.  A bit of lexicological rubbish added only to decorate a sentence with prosaic excrement.   She thought Strunk & White’s The Elements of Style did a more than sufficient job of clearing the style garden of such noxious weeds.  “If a fact is a fact, just state it. Don’t give it an introduction.”

The fact that Lily’s brain was as useful as a dead cockroach didn’t matter.

Lily’s brain was as useful as a dead cockroach, but that didn’t matter.

Doctor Featherweight hates a joke being labeled funny before she’s heard the damn joke!  If it’s funny, she’ll figure it out, but all too often, the joke is mislabeled.  This is funny!  Did you hear the one about the farmer and the cow?  He was udderly taken with her.

Another annoyance is writing a color and then adding on the word color.  The tablecloth was red in color.  Really?  Doctor Featherweight asks, did the writer mean to clarify it wasn’t red in circumference?

Another useless complication that makes Doctor Featherweight bite off the lead end of her stubby pencil:  He was six feet in height.  How about six feet tall? 

A favorite these days is to add….on the planet.  Does the writer or speaker think the largest apple tree might perhaps be on Mars?  Or, maybe ‘on the planet’ seems more sophisticated than, ‘in the world’, or ‘on earth.’  How about, “It’s the largest apple tree.”  If Doctor Featherweight wants to know if you mean in Greenland, she’ll ask.

Oh, don’t get her started on pronouns.  She’s heard so many (and yes even a majority of teachers!) exclaim, “He gave it to Mary and I.”  Oh, really, he gave it to I ?   Or, conversely, “Mary and me went to town.”  Doctor Featherweight’s question is:  What did me do there?

Then there is the constant misuse of the past form of op.  You’d think past tense NEVER ended in T.  Well, Doctor Featherweight, and even the minimally educated, know it often does.  Meant not meaned. Sent, not sended, spent not spended, wept not weeped.

Op is the present tense, Opt is the past tense… not opted…left not lefted,  and slept, not slepted, 

So why do so many insist on using opted instead of opt?  A grammatical mystery that Doctor Featherweight is at a loss to explain.  She suspects it’s another grammatical virus passed from mouth to mouth

“That said” has become such a cliché that every journalist finds it mandatory to include it at least once. 

“I don’t believe the Senator meant to call everyone a fool, that said, I hope he included himself.”  May she suggest, “I don’t believe the Senator meant to call everyone a fool, but if he did, I hope he included himself.”

One of Doctor Featherweight’s favorite authors uses the word ‘cheap’ ad nauseam.  He wore a cheap suit, checked into a cheap hotel, ate a cheap meal, and had a cheap girlfriend.  Doctor Featherweight suggests:  He wore a threadbare suit, checked into a shabby hotel, dined on thin gruel, and had a girlfriend who used annoying clichés.   Didn’t matter.  He only wanted her for her voluptuous assets.

When someone says, “I’m not going to lie; it was a great movie,” Doctor Featherweight becomes suspicious that this is an exception to his usual habit. 

Alas, Doctor Featherweight feels she has lost the battle to offend no one, ever.  

That being said, the fact that she offends like everyone, she has opted to tell you like a funny story about a man who slepted too late in his like cheap bed.  But, that’s like for another like time.

More Verbal Perversions

Countries where English predominates.

Amoebic minds are trashing the noble English tongue!  Something must be done! I’ve tried to carry this heavy burden alone.  Now I’m begging for help!  I know what you’re thinking.  There are other big issues.  Crime.  Poverty.  World Peace. No beer in the frig. Fourth and ten with time running out.  Well, sure.  But, nothing tops the scandalous abuse of English, especially by people who ought to know better!  Heard a three star general say, “Send it to your commander or I.”  Are you f-ing kiddin’ me? What ever happened to court-martial offenses?  English is a cuddly, helpless kitten, shamelessly abused by mongrel language dogs that need to be put down.  Grab your 1^st Amendment verbal weapons and learn how to use them! 

Think of the hundreds of millions of English speakers around the world, all crying “HELP ME!”  Check out the map showing countries where English is either the official language, or predominantly spoken.  For some reason, the map excluded Scandinavia, Western Europe, and China, where tens of millions are fluent. Don’t forget all those little island dots!  English is the used all over the Pacific and the Caribbean, and parts of California and Texas.  Plus, there’s the United Nations, the International Olympic Committee, and the International Civil Aviation Administration (ICAO). ICAO blankets the world!  Think of English as the verbal ocean; a sweeping flow of international communication on which modern life depends! Time to stand united and fight back. Civilization depends on it.

Check these perversions and see what I mean:

Absolutely – Means never varied or modified.  Oh yeah?  No longer.  “Want to go to the store with me?”  “Absolutely!”  Ok, bring your money.  You’re paying.  “Wait a sec….I’ll take back my ‘absolutely’and wring its skinny neck in a basin of irregular verbs.” 

Having said that – “Having said that, I didn’t mean what I just said and now will add verbiage that negates what I just said and that I also don’t mean.”

Asking rhetorical questions and answering them yourself - Sportscasters are notorious.  “Do I mean the Equatorial Monkey Riders will never win another game?  No!  Do I think Easy Pickins will win the Kentucky Derby by a nose? No!”  Do you think your thinking means a rat’s ass?

Where are you at? – Right at the end of my linguistic rope!  “Where are you?”

Some words are like costume jewelry dressing up shabby sentences.

Arguably – Leaves room to weasel out. “Arguably Janet is the most desirable woman in the world, or not, depending on if my wife, Margaret is listening.”  Well, which is it, you pussy?

Extant – Did you mean to say, ‘in existence,’ or did you mean to say ‘best’?  Don’t beat around the foliage! Grab that verbal cockroach by its exoskeleton and let’s see some green juice!

Perversions don’t stop with the spoken word.  Consider trite plots and phrases in today’s so-called thrillers.  They’d thrill me more by being as inventive as say, a mentally challenged monkey with a coconut:

Gone Rogue – Gone trite!  Is it my imagination or have all agents gone rogue?  Are all intelligence agencies honeycombed with corruption?  I wait in vain for a perfectly adjusted agent, with no drinking problems and a yen to follow the rules. An agency that knew what the hell it was doing would also be a cold slosh of water for a thirsty mind. And how about those crazy spies who drive $100,000 cars, sleep in $1000 Hotel rooms and wear designer suits?  “I was going to be an anonymous assassin and then I thought, what the hell...”

Techno Perfect – “He down shifted smoothly in his Diablo V, with its six-speed Teltronic, Electroglide transmission.  The 600 horses under the fiber optic equipped, graphite-titanium composite hood delivered more torque than an ambidextrous cheerleader at a nude rodeo.” He drove away really, really fast would have done the job.  Hope the quiz at the end of the book is true-false. 

Dishonest Politicians – well, maybe we should keep this one…

Sex Scenes – Anyone read any realistic sex scenes? Usually the guy is embarrassingly romantic, never yearns for a turgid nipple, and constantly waxes idyllic about lilacs and the glow of the sun on her naked body.  He remembers the sun?   You kiddin’?  The guy’s libido must be tinged with essence of saltpeter. Imagine this guy in a war novel.  He pulls the pin on a grenade, then takes a moment to marvel at the shape, the beauty and simplicity of the design, and how his mom used to toss sun ripened apples to him on those blissful autumn days.

Heard more awkward words and phrases?  Send ‘em along so I can alert the docile populace.  Meanwhile, stay tuned and for the love of heaven, join me in the war on Verbal Perversions.

What can you do?  Plenty.  Correct your ignorant kids and their worthless friends, or vice versa.  Alienate your lazy-language companions.  Make a nuisance of yourself.  It’s fun once you get the hang of being alone. 

Write Amazon book reviews using words like mulch, garbage, rubbish, and compost.  Don’t be afraid to use alliteration.  “Slugging through this swamp of sweeping slime shames the symphonic syllables of English.”  Keep it up until you’re blacklisted and only allowed to read my blog.

Remember, we’re all in this together!

Verbal Perversions

     

Some words and expressions should be hung, drawn, and quartered.  If you're one of those who don't support capital punishment for verbal perversions, stop reading right now, you ignorant bastard. 

I won't mention political and pc euphemisms.  Verbal overcoats, pillowcases, and baby blankets tossed over verbal wharf rats.  Stick with me and try to keep breakfast down while we slide our naked hands into a garbage pail of putrid words and expressions.

Words that involve bodily functions.  What you do with your body should forever remain a secret between you and the hamster.  I make exceptions for inoffensive words such as sneeze, hiccup, cough, as well as descriptions of female body parts, and legal sexual encounters.

Other machinations that switch the button in my brain from ‘friendly’ to ‘you must be a moron:’

Misuse of personal pronouns.  Let’s take, “He gave it to her and I.”  Her and I?  Wad that one up and fling it like a stick yearning for dog slobber.  “I” is a subject, but we don’t have to get all teary eyed and grammatical.  Just break it down.  “He gave it to her,” and “He gave it to I?”  Me is not a four letter word.

Like.  Enough said.

Right?  You expect me to confirm “I was walking down the street, right?”  Fuck if I know.  I’ll take your word for it.

Multitasking.  I get it.  You’re capable of not fully concentrating on several things at once.  “Simple tasks, such as tapping my foot, while licking a stamp, are exceptions.”  Really?  How many times did you tap your foot?  And why did you lick a self-sticker?

Quality time.  “Rip off those clothes, baby and stand by for some quality time before I race to your sister’s.”

Try.  "I’ll try to get to it tomorrow."  Fine, you can surprise the both of us.

A known fact.  Thank god you’re not throwing the unknowns at me, which we abbreviate as:  bullshit.  But then, you wouldn’t know that.

Actually.  “Actually, I’m going to China.”  Actually, I hope you won’t be teaching English.

Officially.  “I’m officially dating again.”  I’ll take it from here and warn the other officials, small dogs, and men with elephant guns.

You know.  I do?  I didn't know that.

OK.  "I've got too much to do today, ok?"  Fine with me.  Now beat it and take your ESL book with you.

 The fact that.  Amputate that phrase and chuck it in the dumpster!  Replace it with a simple word out of Mr. English's happy hat.  'Because' will usually do.

Now that we have all that officially straight, you know, we can like actually move on to known facts, right?  Ok?  Absolutely!