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Tuesday, October 1, 2013

More Verbal Perversions

Countries where English predominates.

Amoebic minds are trashing the noble English tongue!  Something must be done! I’ve tried to carry this heavy burden alone.  Now I’m begging for help!  I know what you’re thinking.  There are other big issues.  Crime.  Poverty.  World Peace. No beer in the frig. Fourth and ten with time running out.  Well, sure.  But, nothing tops the scandalous abuse of English, especially by people who ought to know better!  Heard a three star general say, “Send it to your commander or I.”  Are you f-ing kiddin’ me? What ever happened to court-martial offenses?  English is a cuddly, helpless kitten, shamelessly abused by mongrel language dogs that need to be put down.  Grab your 1st Amendment verbal weapons and learn how to use them! 

Think of the hundreds of millions of English speakers around the world, all crying “HELP ME!”  Check out the map showing countries where English is either the official language, or predominantly spoken.  For some reason, the map excluded Scandinavia, Western Europe, and China, where tens of millions are fluent. Don’t forget all those little island dots!  English is the used all over the Pacific and the Caribbean, and parts of California and Texas.  Plus, there’s the United Nations, the International Olympic Committee, and the International Civil Aviation Administration (ICAO). ICAO blankets the world!  Think of English as the verbal ocean; a sweeping flow of international communication on which modern life depends! Time to stand united and fight back. Civilization depends on it.

Check these perversions and see what I mean:

Absolutely – Means never varied or modified.  Oh yeah?  No longer.  “Want to go to the store with me?”  “Absolutely!”  Ok, bring your money.  You’re paying.  “Wait a sec….I’ll take back my ‘absolutely’and wring its skinny neck in a basin of irregular verbs.” 

Having said that – “Having said that, I didn’t mean what I just said and now will add verbiage that negates what I just said and that I also don’t mean.”

Asking rhetorical questions and answering them yourself - Sportscasters are notorious.  “Do I mean the Equatorial Monkey Riders will never win another game?  No!  Do I think Easy Pickins will win the Kentucky Derby by a nose? No!”  Do you think your thinking means a rat’s ass?

Where are you at? – Right at the end of my linguistic rope!  “Where are you?”

Some words are like costume jewelry dressing up shabby sentences.

Arguably – Leaves room to weasel out. “Arguably Janet is the most desirable woman in the world, or not, depending on if my wife, Margaret is listening.”  Well, which is it, you pussy?

Extant – Did you mean to say, ‘in existence,’ or did you mean to say ‘best’?  Don’t beat around the foliage! Grab that verbal cockroach by its exoskeleton and let’s see some green juice!

Perversions don’t stop with the spoken word.  Consider trite plots and phrases in today’s so-called thrillers.  They’d thrill me more by being as inventive as say, a mentally challenged monkey with a coconut:

Gone Rogue – Gone trite!  Is it my imagination or have all agents gone rogue?  Are all intelligence agencies honeycombed with corruption?  I wait in vain for a perfectly adjusted agent, with no drinking problems and a yen to follow the rules. An agency that knew what the hell it was doing would also be a cold slosh of water for a thirsty mind. And how about those crazy spies who drive $100,000 cars, sleep in $1000 Hotel rooms and wear designer suits?  “I was going to be an anonymous assassin and then I thought, what the hell...”

Techno Perfect – “He down shifted smoothly in his Diablo V, with its six-speed Teltronic, Electroglide transmission.  The 600 horses under the fiber optic equipped, graphite-titanium composite hood delivered more torque than an ambidextrous cheerleader at a nude rodeo.” He drove away really, really fast would have done the job.  Hope the quiz at the end of the book is true-false. 

Dishonest Politicians – well, maybe we should keep this one…

Sex Scenes – Anyone read any realistic sex scenes? Usually the guy is embarrassingly romantic, never yearns for a turgid nipple, and constantly waxes idyllic about lilacs and the glow of the sun on her naked body.  He remembers the sun?   You kiddin’?  The guy’s libido must be tinged with essence of saltpeter. Imagine this guy in a war novel.  He pulls the pin on a grenade, then takes a moment to marvel at the shape, the beauty and simplicity of the design, and how his mom used to toss sun ripened apples to him on those blissful autumn days.

Heard more awkward words and phrases?  Send ‘em along so I can alert the docile populace.  Meanwhile, stay tuned and for the love of heaven, join me in the war on Verbal Perversions.

What can you do?  Plenty.  Correct your ignorant kids and their worthless friends, or vice versa.  Alienate your lazy-language companions.  Make a nuisance of yourself.  It’s fun once you get the hang of being alone. 

Write Amazon book reviews using words like mulch, garbage, rubbish, and compost.  Don’t be afraid to use alliteration.  “Slugging through this swamp of sweeping slime shames the symphonic syllables of English.”  Keep it up until you’re blacklisted and only allowed to read my blog.

Remember, we’re all in this together!


  1. I feel your pain. Not really. Play it safe. Stick to three-word sentences. As if you were in a family reunion.

  2. Dac, your comments are arguably true, but having said that, I'm not sure that I understand what you probably meant. Does that mean I don't understand you? No! In fact, your comments are the best extant!