Countries where English predominates. |
Amoebic minds are trashing the noble English tongue! Something must be done! I’ve tried to
carry this heavy burden alone. Now
I’m begging for help! I know what
you’re thinking. There are other
big issues. Crime. Poverty. World Peace. No beer in the frig. Fourth and ten with time
running out. Well, sure. But, nothing tops the scandalous abuse
of English, especially by people who ought to know better! Heard a three star general say, “Send
it to your commander or I.” Are
you f-ing kiddin’ me? What ever happened to court-martial offenses? English is a cuddly, helpless kitten,
shamelessly abused by mongrel language dogs that need to be put down. Grab your 1st Amendment
verbal weapons and learn how to use them!
Think of the hundreds of millions of English speakers around
the world, all crying “HELP ME!”
Check out the map showing countries where English is either the official
language, or predominantly spoken.
For some reason, the map excluded Scandinavia, Western Europe, and
China, where tens of millions are fluent. Don’t forget all those little island
dots! English is the used all over
the Pacific and the Caribbean, and parts of California and Texas. Plus, there’s the United Nations, the
International Olympic Committee, and the International Civil Aviation
Administration (ICAO). ICAO blankets the world! Think of English as the verbal ocean; a sweeping flow of
international communication on which modern life depends! Time to stand united
and fight back. Civilization depends on it.
Check these perversions and see what I mean:
Absolutely – Means
never varied or modified. Oh
yeah? No longer. “Want to go to the store with me?” “Absolutely!” Ok, bring your money.
You’re paying. “Wait a
sec….I’ll take back my ‘absolutely’and wring its skinny neck in a basin of
irregular verbs.”
Having said that –
“Having said that, I didn’t mean what I just said and now will add verbiage
that negates what I just said and that I also don’t mean.”
Asking rhetorical questions and answering them yourself - Sportscasters are notorious.
“Do I mean the Equatorial Monkey Riders will never win another
game? No! Do I think Easy Pickins will win the
Kentucky Derby by a nose? No!” Do
you think your thinking means a rat’s ass?
Where are you at? – Right at the end of my linguistic rope! “Where are you?”
Some words are like costume jewelry dressing up shabby
sentences.
Arguably – Leaves
room to weasel out. “Arguably Janet is the most desirable woman in the world,
or not, depending on if my wife, Margaret is listening.” Well, which is it, you pussy?
Extant – Did you
mean to say, ‘in existence,’ or did you mean to say ‘best’? Don’t beat around the foliage! Grab
that verbal cockroach by its exoskeleton and let’s see some green juice!
Perversions don’t stop with the spoken word. Consider trite plots and phrases in
today’s so-called thrillers.
They’d thrill me more by being as inventive as say, a mentally
challenged monkey with a coconut:
Gone Rogue – Gone
trite! Is it my imagination or
have all agents gone rogue? Are
all intelligence agencies honeycombed with corruption? I wait in vain for a perfectly adjusted
agent, with no drinking problems and a yen to follow the rules. An agency that
knew what the hell it was doing would also be a cold slosh of water for a thirsty
mind. And how about those crazy spies who drive $100,000 cars, sleep in $1000
Hotel rooms and wear designer suits?
“I was going to be an anonymous assassin and then I thought, what the
hell...”
Techno Perfect – “He
down shifted smoothly in his Diablo V, with its six-speed Teltronic,
Electroglide transmission. The 600
horses under the fiber optic equipped, graphite-titanium composite hood
delivered more torque than an ambidextrous cheerleader at a nude rodeo.” He
drove away really, really fast would have done the job. Hope the quiz at the end of the book is
true-false.
Dishonest Politicians
– well, maybe we should keep this one…
Sex Scenes – Anyone
read any realistic sex scenes? Usually the guy is embarrassingly romantic,
never yearns for a turgid nipple, and constantly waxes idyllic about lilacs and
the glow of the sun on her naked body.
He remembers the sun?
You kiddin’? The guy’s
libido must be tinged with essence of saltpeter. Imagine this guy in a war
novel. He pulls the pin on a grenade,
then takes a moment to marvel at the shape, the beauty and simplicity of the
design, and how his mom used to toss sun ripened apples to him on those
blissful autumn days.
Heard more awkward words and phrases? Send ‘em along so I can alert the
docile populace. Meanwhile, stay
tuned and for the love of heaven, join me in the war on Verbal Perversions.
What can you do?
Plenty. Correct your
ignorant kids and their worthless friends, or vice versa. Alienate your lazy-language
companions. Make a nuisance of
yourself. It’s fun once you get
the hang of being alone.
Write Amazon book reviews using words like mulch, garbage,
rubbish, and compost. Don’t be
afraid to use alliteration.
“Slugging through this swamp of sweeping slime shames the symphonic
syllables of English.” Keep it up
until you’re blacklisted and only allowed to read my blog.
Remember, we’re all in this together!
I feel your pain. Not really. Play it safe. Stick to three-word sentences. As if you were in a family reunion.
ReplyDeleteDac, your comments are arguably true, but having said that, I'm not sure that I understand what you probably meant. Does that mean I don't understand you? No! In fact, your comments are the best extant!
ReplyDelete