News From London?

News From London ?

I don’t just go to London to shop, drink beer and stroll the streets.  Hell no, I come to notice this and that, and to keep all three of my faithful readers well conversant and informed on international affairs.

The stories in this installment come from yesterday’s Metro newspaper and with stories like these, you can give your imagination a rest and pour another Armagnac. 

First, I pose this puzzling question: Do politicians really change from country to country? 

My theory is they all come from the same cracked egg, but served on different platters.  You’ll recall the British people voted to divorce themselves from the European Union.  That was a couple of years ago.  But, leaving the EU isn’t as easy as standing in front of a Judge and saying, “Remember when the two of us said ‘I do?’ Well, now...” 

Here’s a recent meeting of the warring parties.

To quote: The German Chancellor was revealed to have told an audience of journalists that she keeps asking the Prime Minister what she wants from the divorce, but feels they are struck on a loop.

See, a man always loses an argument vis a vis a woman because he tries to be rational.  Women, on the other hand, have no slave-like devotion to rationality.  The reverse. Let’s go back to husband and wife.

Husband:  I think I’ll have a beer, want one?

Wife:  See, you always start that!

Husband:  Start what?

Wife:  See, there you go!

So, what happens when the argument is woman to woman?

Prime Minister May:  Make me an offer.

Chancellor Merkel: But, you’re leaving.  We don't have to make you an offer.

Prime Minister May:  Make me an offer.

There’s a lesson here men. Keep it simple and stay on point.  Above all, pay no attention to the counter argument.

Ok, let’s practice:

Woman:  You drink too much.

Man:  Sure is sunny today.

Woman:  I SAID you drink too much!

Man:  What a sunny day!

Woman:  Are you paying attention to what I’m saying?

Man:  Middle of winter and it’s sunny!

As for Britain vs the EU, dueling pistols at ten paces could settle this thing in a jiffy!  Either way, it’s one less politician. But, wait a sec, these are two women, leaders of their countries, which kinda negates all the whining by the feminist crowd.  Forgot, you’re anti-gun. Ok, let’s each of them grab a fistful of hair and act like ladies.

1 in 4 Skip Meals in Hidden Hunger Crisis

Is there anything that isn’t a crisis these days? But, here we have something even more diabolical, a hidden crisis, which means nobody can see it, right?  People in Britain are getting as fat as Americans, but wait, there’s a hidden crisis!  Sounds like another global warming, stamping of feet and raising of fists during a blizzard situation.

More than a quarter of parents are skipping meals because they cannot afford to buy food, a report on ‘hidden hunger’ has found.  How did they find it then? You may well ask.  Almost 2000 adults polled by the campaign group End Hunger UK found more than one in ten adults said their food bills have gone up.

So, let me get this straight.  25% of people polled are skipping a meal because 10% said their food bills have gone up?  I still don’t understand modern math, but then I cant find a hidden crisis either.

Who is this group of Wunderkinder who can find hidden crises? They should turn their talents to the female minds of Chancellor Merkel and Prime Minister May.  Gotta be more hidden crises to be dragged into the EU vs Britain divorce court.

And to nip this edition of News From London, we come to ‘Pensioner bit neighbor in the crotch as row flared up.’  Bet it did!  Did you just bite me or is that a lit Roman candle in my crotch?

Talk about getting down and dirty!  ‘An irate pensioner bit his neighbor in the crotch and on the nose when a dispute boiled over.’

It was a very simple case of the neighbor’s partner strolling by when the pensioner threw a hockey stick at her.  The neighbor went to investigate and arrived ready to puck.  The neighbor’s kin joined in, possibly thinking this was the kind of rough 69 action they’d been looking for.  The Pensioner declared he was not trying to bite the neighbor’s crotch, he was trying to get another meaty tooth in the neighbor’s nose, but the guy moved too fast. The neighbor’s kin admitted grabbing what he thought was the pensioner’s leg, and thinking the man was remarkably well hung.

Everyone in the fray received community service and a possible tryout for a new porn film titled, Gimme All Ya Got.

And that’s all the news for now.