English Has Become Confusing

 

English is getting more and more confusing for me. I simply don't understand the meanings of some of the words and phrases that suddenly and without warning are in common use.  Here are a few that befuddle me: 

HATE CRIME

 

What is a hate crime?  What if I shoot a guy, but don’t hate him? How can you tell, unless I shout out, “I really, really hate you,” just before I pull the trigger?

 

Let’s say he’s of Norwegian extraction and I am not, is hate crime automatic?  What the hell!  Third Norwegian we’ve lost this week!  Form a Congressional Committee!

 

What if I just didn’t like the way he looked at my girlfriend or I’m offended by the car he drives. Norwegians can be so picky!

 

 Maybe he’s Swedish and I killed him by mistake. I was still hating someone enough to shoot him. Can I have a do-over and find a Norwegian without penalty? Is my sentence dependent on ethnicity and which ethnicity?  Says the judge, “The law says if you kill Norwegians I must sentence you to six months in a cold, dark room, but for the Swede, it’s another nine months in a neutral lockup.  You just better be glad you didn’t shoot a Cambodian Catholic!”

 

How is hate determined?  “Well,” says the judge, “you have a long history of hating, beginning with oatmeal as a child, the girl you invited to the prom who didn’t show up, plus the neighbor’s cat. Several people have testified you hated your visit to Oslo.  This is not looking good.”

 

You shoot my ass and I don’t care if you hate me or not, I’m gonna shoot back.  Wait a sec.  When I shoot back, I’ll admit it, I hate you!

 

Which brings us to:

 

OFFENDED

 

Do I have a choice to be offended?  I think so, but I’m offended that you ask.  And what type of situation puts being offended on the no-no list, or the forget it list?  If I choose to be offended how much do I have to be offended to have someone also be offended enough to do something about it?  Is just a little bit enough?  “Your bowtie offends me.  I hate chartreuse.”  Now I see double jeopardy raising it’s offensively shaven head.  I’m both offended and hating at the same time.  Let me amend that:  “I’m only slightly offended and cancel out the hate; chartreuse looks good on your ugly bowtie.”  Ok, let me restate it totally.  “I dislike your bowtie.”  Now it’s your turn to be offended, so let’s call it even, or you can offend me by telling me to shut my mouth and keep the game going.

 

ETHNICITY

 

You are black and I am white.  Well, not exactly.  You don’t look black, you look a darker shade of tan and I’ve been on the beach and I’m tan, too.  We both need to be tested for blackness to settle the issue.  Even when I’m off the beach, I never really look white, maybe lighter tan.  My old granny, stuck at home is the only one I know who even looks pale.  Oh, matter of fact, I’m offended that native Americans used to call my ancestors Pale Face.  I want ceremonial wigwams removed from every national park!  Hey, I don't want to see any carved on stone memorials either!

 

How much black DNA makes me a black?  Are you offended that I ask?  What a slippery slope!  In Nazi Germany, you needed a certain percentage of Jewish blood to qualify for the gas chamber.  In the old days of American slavery, you needed a certain amount of black blood to be black.  Not enough blackness and you didn’t make the cut and got a get off the plantation ‘free card.’  What direction are we headed when we use slavery and Nazism as models?

 

Just wondering.

 

Does skin color count no matter where you were born?  Is Elon Musk an African American?

 

And does your skin color decide your ethnicity?  Filipinos and Chinese are the same ethnicity?  Nigerians and Congolese?  Peruvians and Mexicans?  Does culture matter, or are we just slicing the ethnicity cake with a crowbar and passing out messy shares?

 

ASSAULT RIFLE

 

If I assault someone with a BB rifle, does that count as an assault weapon?  Or does it have to be a certain caliber, holding enough bullets to stand off a pack of starving spotted hyenas?  Which brings us to clips.  All clips? Ten bullets? Twelve?  Thirty-six?  The U.S. Army uses any number of infantry weapons, including shotguns, and sniper rifles that hold fewer rounds in the clip.  

 

Are we talking automatic weapons? Already not allowed.  So many civilian rifles are semi-autos.  You pull the trigger and one bullet comes out of the barrel.  True for any semi-auto rifle, including .22s and pellet guns. No modern army I know of uses all one pull, one shot rifles.  But, automatic weapons are not unknown among street gangs and other villains. 

 

 

Discussions of guns and control of guns I’ve read lately have the depth and veracity that compares to nothing more than whether you put your money on red or black.

 

Use of Words

 

In the use of words, silliness has crept in like leaves on a Kudzu wine.  I read that a male patient at a hospital in Scotland was denied help because he refused to say whether he was pregnant or not.

 

That pretty much says all I need to say about the use of words. Silliness covers it.

 

If you paid attention, you know I offered no solutions, only questions and examples, leading to a simple statement:  I don’t know.  But, I do think modern English is confusing.  

 

By comparison, grammar rules regarding the subjunctive tense are a piece of cake!