From London: Signs of The Times

Yes, yes, in the British newspapers, there’s plenty of blather about the upcoming election in Britain and how the stock market and British Pound Sterling is sinking like a lead duck.  Fine.  Now let’s get to some news you can really use.  These are actual stories.

From the Times’ Science Correspondent:

“Canadian academics now believe that they have found the best advice for getting through these miserable bottlenecks.”  (job interviews)  “Talk quickly.”  The researchers didn’t get their info from real interviews, but instead relied on ‘mock’ interviews, with an emphasis on nervous tics, …”such as fiddling with their hair, adjusting their clothing, furrowing their brows, and avoiding eye contact…The most universal indicator of nerves, however, was speaking slowly.”

I’djustliketosayrightnowthattheconclusionsseemtoberightinlinewithcommonsense.

Inthecaseoflearningtospeakasrapidlyasaradioannouncerfillingyouinonthefineprint, I also suggest tapping your foot, while leaning across the desk and making strong enough eye contact to cause the interviewer fear for his life.

Technology Correspondent:

“Internet shopping has turned the drudge of the weekly grocery run into a bit of mouse clicking and keyboard tapping.  Soon though we may simply have to press a nearby button when we’re running low on toothpaste or lavatory paper.”

Don’t you just love English as the Brits speak it?  Lavatory paper!  How cute.

The article goes on to point out Amazon has designed internet-connected buttons, called Dash Buttons, you can place anywhere in the house.  You can literally order things at the press of a button.   They’re also child proof.  Repeatedly pushing the button doesn’t bring you an unlimited supply of Milk Duds.

These Dash Buttons will certainly have their uses.  “I need more condoms and I need ‘em right now!”   You can even set the buttons to automatically reorder periodically.  “Dash Button, I’ll need a pint of whiskey and a case of beer a day.  No, I am not a teenager using his parents’ Dash Button.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to speak more slowly.”

Another torrid tale from The Times:

“Divorce papers reveal Chaplin’s ‘revolting’ sex demands of bride.”  This may be old news since Charlie Chaplin and his teenage bride are both worm food, but what the hell, I’m up for a little titillation from the dead.  I quickly plunge into the ‘meat’ of the story, which goes on to give the details:  “The 50 page document includes claims that the English actor made “revolting, degrading, and offensive” demands of his teenage bride.  He also forced her to perform acts that were illegal in California in the 1920s, which he told her he had performed with “five prominent moving picture women” before their marriage.”

Well, if that doesn’t beat all!  Those divorce papers really agitated my libido!  Doing things with “moving picture women?”  My god, is nothing sacred?  That cad!

Dash Button, my child bride and I would like to reorder the inner-tube thickness condoms.