Whatever Happened to Little Red Riding Hood?

Whatever Happened to Little Red Riding Hood?

We all know the story of Little Red Riding Hood and how she walked through the woods to her grandma’s house, and slew the wolf.  Which got me wondering, how did Red Riding Hood turn out when she grew up, and was it true that a young girl had killed a wolf?

I did a lot of research.  Here’s the fractured story, as best I have been able to find out.

L.R.R.’s Teenage Years

After she moved through elementary and middle schools as a very good student, her life took a different direction in high school.  Her grades dropped.  She gave up on the riding hood shtick, tried to fit in, and started hanging out with a bad crowd, smoking dope in the backseat and learning to use the word LIKE at least twice in every sentence.  

Her psychologist suggests that was about the time her father, long absent from the original story, took up competitive drinking, and lost his job as a woodchopper, being crowded out by the advent of laws regarding timber harvesting, and the onset of machines that could chop wood faster than he could finish a pint of whiskey.  He picked up the name Pecker Head and wrote a book about how he’d taught his daughter to kill wolves and plow a field using only her teeth.

Her mother divorced her husband of twenty years, lost sixty pounds, became a holistic yoga instructor, and married a man who called himself Rocky Starlight, twenty years her junior and a drummer in the up and coming band, Straight to Hell. The band later changed its name to My Shit Don’t Stink. The lead singer, Chunky Droppings, left the band to go solo and Rocky Starlight found himself out of work.  L.R.R.’s mother divorced him shortly after, and took up with the female minister of The Church of Sweet Jesus! Christ Almighty! 

L.R.R. dropped out of high school at the age of sixteen, and by lying about her age, became a stripper in a large, nearby city, under the stage name, Belinda Buxom.  Soon the media caught wind of it and Teddy Tender, the club’s owner, was sued for employing under aged girls, and lost his club to lawyers’ fees. L.R.R. lived on the street for a while.

LR.R. in Her Twenties

After the media storm, and living rough, the former Little Red Riding Hood, moved to another town and became a waitress. But, soon the media found her again and this time a group calling itself Wolves of the Forest, or WOOF, began to picket the restaurant, claiming that Little Red Riding Hood had dispatched the wolf in a careless and cruel manner.  “Wolves are our friends,” declared Patty Wagon, the leader of the group.  She told a reporter, “Wolves are our friends and kill the hateful and crop eating deer!”  She later was forced to modify that remark, saying she only meant the really, really hateful deer, not all of them.

L.R.R. gained a lot of weight, joined a motorcycle gang and was called by some, Morbidly Obese Riding Hood. The members of the Very Moody Pudsuckers motorcycle club just called her Pork Rider.  By this time, most of the club members knew why. 

She’d dyed her hair orange, trying to rid herself of the Little Red Riding Hood story altogether.

In time, she dropped out of the gang, lost all the weight she’d gained, married a banker, and embraced her newly rediscovered fame as the little girl who’d saved her grandmother.  Her husband often liked her to dress up in the Red Riding Hood outfit after dinner and play tame the wolf with a cat-o-nine tails.  She never shared that with the ladies in her bridge club.

No one ever found out that the wolf was actually a transvestite named Will Done-it, whom Little Red Riding Hood caught molesting her grandmother, and plunged a pitchfork into his particulars, severing the carotid artery.  He bled to death and she and grandma ate cookies while they dismembered the body and burned the parts in the oven.

“Say it was a wolf,” her grandmother told her, “so I don’t have to go to court and relive these awful moments.”  

Grandmother never admitted she’d invited him to the cottage and had wine in the frig.