Scrambled English

 

English is a funny language, difficult to understand.  Lots of homonyms and worse, lots of words that are spelled the same, but mean different things.

 

Elephants have trunks, so do trees, and travelers, and so do trains on a trunk line.

 

Which brings up the word line:  A telephone line, a party line, drawing a line in the sand, giving your girlfriend a line, standing in line, a fishing line, a clothesline, a beeline, a punch line. Standing in a lineup. Delivering a clever line.

 

Naughty Words

 

Naughty words carry their own weight, but if you say them in a more dignified manner….

 

Quote a Bible verse: Go forth and multiply.

 

Enjoy intercourse with yourself!

 

You’re a vagina!  Has a certain crowd appeal.

 

Test a man before you call him an idiot. “You’re no smarter than a toadstool!”  See if he stops to ponder the pros and cons.

 

Drop a brick on your foot?  “Coitus!”  Draws a crowd of octogenarians faster than free fried chicken.

 

Words that don’t have an opposite but need one:

 

Unruly – ruly?  He and his wife were ruly, and shared a love of regular verbs, but divorced over the use of  pronouns.

 

Awesome  - awesomeless?  When the rancher belches with her mouth full, she looks awesomeless, and unsettles the cattle who fear earthquakes.

 

Disgruntled – gruntled?  He smiled a gruntled smile to hide the pain, until the Novocain wore off and he suddenly disgruntled his lunch.

 

Ineffable – effable?  He’s so effable I can describe him in one word:  But, let’s talk about you, beautiful.

 

Inert – ert?  Confucius say, golfer who put ert firecracker in shorts, likely to lose balls and have bent driver.  That Confucius is such a kidder! 

 

Incorrigible – corrigible?  That virgin is too corrigible, unlike her sister who is well known and liked by many.  

 

Disheveled – sheveled?  Unlike her unruly hair; her front teeth are are quite sheveled and admired!

 

Innocuous – nocuous?  Nothing’s as nocous as the obvious.

 

Intrepid – trepid?  He is so trepid, he got caught catching a cold.

 

Nonchalant – chalant?  So chalant, she worries about being underdressed in a nudist colony.  I agree she’s barely presentable.

 

Nonplussed – plussed? You can tell she’s been plussed. And enjoyed it. And looks forward to her next plussing, and afterwards a celebratory cocktail.

 

Overwhelm(ed) – whelm(ed)?  That whelmed man can juggle hot coals while Salsa dancing and still remember the name of his arresting officer.

 

Postpone – prepone?  National dog breath week is preponed.  When cat owners found out, they turned away in disgust.

 

Ruthless – ruthmore?   “A little ruthmore can go a long way and a buxom Ruth even morer.”

 

I’ll give you a tip.  I’ve only covered the tip of the iceberg.  But, feel free to relax and tip back a couple, and try not to tip over your drink.

 

Now let’s take a look at “draw.”

 

You can draw a card, or a tree, or draw your gun, or draw a line in the sand, or draw straws.  Put your clothes in a drawer, or wear your drawers.

 

So, is English a difficult language?  I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.  Please do so quietly so at not to draw attention to yourself.