The Real Reason It’s
So Hard to Lose the Baby Weight
“Pregnant women really do not need
to eat for two, scientists have confirmed.
This is because the body becomes better at extracting energy from food
during pregnancy.
The effect appears to last until
after…breastfeeding, which explains why some women pile on the pounds while
expecting…and find it so hard to get their figure back after giving birth.
Doctors have advised for some time,
that pregnant women who eat for two risk weight problems.
Co-author Dr. Jake Jacobson said
flies utilize and store fat in the same way we do.”
He did not explain his sudden interest in flies, or why his
beady eyes scanned the room, while nervously holding a fly swatter and examining
a patient.
Further evidence shows that WalMart shoppers sometimes eat
for four or more and cannot tell if they are pregnant with triplets or just
constantly hungry.
Brits pay 40% more
than the French to visit Disneyland Paris (premium package)
They shouldn’t complain.
The Germans pay 80% more. Does
that include war reparations? Just
asking. Greeks get in for free.
A belated diagnosis
“Yesterday, the head of a leading
NHS (National Health Service) hospital said it is distracting, frustrating and
expensive to have to recruit large numbers of nurses from overseas.
Dr. Keith McNeil, …added that it is
also deeply unsettling for patients who often struggle to be properly
understood by carers with limited English.”
Mother-of-god! I said
capsule NOT catheter! Get your hand off
my…holy shit!
“The tragedy is that there is no
shortage of Britons who want to be nurses: last year there were 57,000
applicants…but hospital managers wrongly decided in 2011 and 2012 that –
despite a rapidly growing and aging population – they didn’t need them.”
Several of the 57,000 turned out to be merely avid voyeurs
without the proper nurse qualifications.
But, there’s more!
“For the first time, the NHS’s
watchdog, NICE, has been forced to instruct hospitals to ensure the dying are
given adequate water.”
Water? Bunch of
complainers! Next week they’re going to
want to live a little longer. Healthy
folks are so much easier to deal with. 'You say potato, I say potah-ta, you say water, I say aqua...'
Still more!
“General practitioners are being
offered cash incentives worth up to £200,000 ($310,000) if they do not send
patients to hospital for routine operations.
They have been told to slash the numbers referred for procedures
of ‘low clinical value’ including hip, knee, and cataract surgery.”
See, under a government run health system, everyone is
entitled to free care. Wait a sec! Not
so fast there, you blind bastard!
I see a connecting thread…eliminate the dying and those
whiners needing operations and think of the money you’d save on hiring nurses.
Why are shop dummies
so thin?
I’ve often wondered that myself and why their eyes have a
blank look and why they don’t open their mouths and converse like normal people?
Yes, it’s true the mannequins are slimmer and taller than the patrons, which
may lead some, including the irate Synthia Footstone (not her real name) to
stamp their feet and gnash their teeth, and write to newspapers while munching her chips and finishing her Venti Latté.
“Research can’t show a direct link
between what mannequins look like and why people feel bad about themselves,”
says Dr. Sarah Riley, a psychologist at Aberystwyth University. She also says stylized and arty mannequins
may be leading to great numbers of Brits (up to 750,000), including children having
eating disorders. (a paraphrase)
Hold on there, Dr. Riley! No direct link? Didn’t I just read that Brits are getting heavier? Thin mannequins are the only thing I can think of that would cause that! Oh, the
horror. I won’t be able to sleep
tonight. I think I'll interview a few mannequins and see if it spoils their self-image to have fat people stare at them.
Ok, enough of the sad, bad news. Let’s move on to:
W is for Witty
Ripostes (no the Brit press is not only bad news)
A young actress offering to let Dorothy Parker go through
the door first: “Age before beauty.”
Miss Parker: “Yes, my dear and pearls before swine.”
When Zsa Zsa Gabor was asked how many husbands she had had,
replied, “You mean apart from my own?”
A notorious bore to Oscar Wilde: “I passed your house yesterday.”
Oscar Wilde: “Thank
you.”
