Smarty Pants: Well, football season is finally here! I’m Smarty, with my fellow prognosticator, Sandy Bottom, coming to you from radio station Y-E-L-L, located on the campus of the University of Long Pants, in Long Pants, in the exciting Midwest. Now let’s get started. First thing is, the recent popularity of Mixed Martial Arts recruits.
Sandy: Yes, few fans realize that the whole recruitment process has changed quite a bit.
Smarty: Not just martial artists, who can sure beat you with their feet, Also, referees have been retiring in droves. Many have become circus clowns and community activists. Others serve as elementary school crossing guards.
Sandy: Let’s skip that for now. I think we ought to begin with some of the recent rule changes and some that lurk on the horizon.
Smarty (chuckling): They changed the horizon?
Sandy: Let’s get serious and talk about the new concealed carry rule.
Smarty: You mean the one where a player may tuck the ball under his jersey?
Sandy: That’s the one, and I think it’s going to really help out Toggi, the seven foot seven, 650 pound Pacific Islander, and others like him. Did you realize the linemen average over six hundred and fifty pounds these days?
Smarty: You think nobody going to notice the bulge?
Sandy: Toggi could hide Jumbo the elephant under that jersey and people will just think he ate his normal breakfast.
Smarty: How ‘bout the other rule about guns?
Sandy: This rule is to shorten the games, as well as life spans.
Smarty: Want to explain that to the listeners?
Sandy: As you know, the length of the games have gone from what was supposed to be an hour to an hour and a half to over four hours, including potty breaks. The new rule says four players on each team will be armed, with each having one bullet. They may fire their bullet at any time. They may also be used to return fire. At halftime the armed players will change, so in the second half, players’ eyes will be constantly shifting, looking for telltale smoke and the smell of cordite. I’m sure several will volunteer to be in motion and just wander around in the backfield. Some may never come back in the huddle.
Smarty: But, just to clear this up, the shooters can use their one shot at will?
Sandy: That’s right. Now, there are some restrictions. No head shots, no shooting at the coaches, or the coaches testicles.
Smarty: Do the restrictions apply to the assistant coaches?
Sandy: No, but assistant coaches have become rare and often call in sick.
Smarty: Are there restrictions on the weapons?
Sandy: All pistols will be 357 magnums, with hollow point bullets and silencers. One of the very positive aspects is that most teams have at least sixty players sitting on the bench. This will give the subs a chance to play.
Smarty: Probably the bench sitters will be forced to wander on the field.
Sandy: That’s true. But, in some cases they may play the whole game, while the starters shower and look for jobs. Jobs like prison guards and lab rats.
Smarty: So when a player is shot, can he be replaced?
Sandy: No, and that will shorten the game even more. Also referees will wear flack vests, but can also be shot, making them hesitant to throw flags. Another speed up result.
Smarty: This may lead to other changes.
Sandy: Of course. Football is copying ice hockey rules. Players may continue to fight until they no longer have the will to live. The new rule on brass knuckles is also in effect. However, players have an out. They may enter the Transfer Portal at any point in the game and be carried off the field in armored cars driven by the coaches of the team they’ve decided to play for.
Smarty: Are the ones who enter the Portal eligible to be shot?
Sandy: Absolutely, and probably will be.
Smarty: There’s been some discussion about changing the name from Transfer Portal to the Quiet Lunge.
Sandy: Why is that?
Smarty: Well, Transfer Portal is too often abbreviated to T.P. and some native Americans have objected. To change the subject, care to mention the change in the extra point rule.
Sandy: The extra point will no longer be kicked. Instead, the player formerly known as the kicker will hold the ball close to his or her chest and be tossed over the uprights by four of their teammates.
Smarty: You mentioned his or her.
Sandy: Yes, this is to get more women and the elderly in the game. Most teams have hired very lightweight people formally known as kickers. Hiring anorexics has become very popular. Some are women. Not surprisingly, nursing homes are also often popular.
Smarty: Can the kicker being tossed also be shot?
Sandy: Yes, absolutely. By the way, it’s no longer called an extra point, but a clay pigeon point.
Smarty: What if the kicker doesn’t want to be tossed?
Sandy: First off, he will be given a reluctantly thrown flag for having a bad attitude, and a non-volunteer in the stands will be selected at random and chased onto the field by armed guards who fire warning shots.
Smarty: Lately, we’ve been inundated, or for our listening audience, lots and lots of times, players have been caught giving unsolicited manual and penis massages, usually to young women, after hours, while the women were walking down the street, or making other provocative movemets. Has that been addressed?
Sandy: Yes, it has. There are now strict rules. Unsolicited touching of women who are drunk and follow a player back to the athletic dorm, with or without penis contact, will cause the player to have to skip classes for three days, and promise to be nice.
Smarty: That’s going a bit far, don’t’ you think? And what about something as vicious as rape?
Sandy: That’s more serious and for the first twenty-four rapes, the player will not be allowed to play for six games. More than twenty-four and he will not be allowed to drink alcoholic beverages until after breakfast. This one is called the twenty-four strike rule.
Smarty: Those are stout rules!
Sandy: Yes indeedy. It will teach a lesson.
Smarty: And what is that?
Sandy: Keep your number of rapes below twenty-four and if they follow you back to the dorm, toss them out the window.
Smarty: And what about the coaches cursing on the sidelines?
Sandy: They will have to buy beer for the whole team, and may be castrated and taught to wear high heels.
Smarty: That’s all the time we have for today……Sandy, you going to finish that Scotch and soda? And you got any weed on you?
