The Green Park, London

In London you don’t have to look in special places to find secrets. They’re all around you. All you have to do is look and ask and read a little bit.  Londoners like to chat about their city and will usually break out with, “Bet you didn’t know….”

A very old map of the Green Park area, but it gives you an idea of the layout.

I’ll give you an example of history hiding in plain sight:  The Green Park, or as it’s usually called, simply Green Park.  When you get off at the Green Park underground station for a stroll to Buckingham Palace or to have a drink at the Hotel Ritz, as soon as you get above ground, you’ll notice a huge expanse of green grass, bordered by ancient, towering trees.  That’s it.  Green Park. 

Buckingham Palace with monument to Queen Victoria in front.

Note:  By the way, Buckingham Palace wasn’t the Royal Residence until Queen Victoria moved the court there in 1837.  Before then, the royal residence was in the nearby St Jame's Palace. There’s a large monument to her in front of Buckingham palace.

St Jame's Palace, built by Henry VIII between 1531 and 1536.

Most people will just walk on through Green Park, without realizing they’re walking in one of London’s Royal Parks and a place that’s ripe with history.  There are eight Royal Parks in London, and Green Park is the smallest at 47 acres.  Most of these parks used to be the hunting grounds reserved for royalty, including Green Park, but Green Park also has a darker history.  Where St James Palace stands, St. James Hospital once stood, where lepers were treated.  Green Park is thought to be the lepers’ burial ground.

You have to realize, when the crown created these parks, the land was well away from the city of London.  Times change.

Unlike so many of the other Royal Parks, The Green Park has no buildings, no lakes and very few monuments. You may also notice that except for daffodils in the springtime, there are no flowers.  Oh, yes faithful readers, there are interesting stories behind all these very noticeable omissions.

No flowers in a Royal Park?  True, apparently by order of Queen Catherine, wife of Charles II.  One day the queen caught her husband picking flowers for one of his mistresses and thereafter banned flowers from being grown in Green Park.  There are doubters, including yours truly.  It’s more likely the lack of flowerbeds is because originally The Green Park was an extension of St James Park, with its open spaces.  And there’s little doubt the Queen was not suddenly stunned by the King’s attractions.

Let’s move on to the lack of buildings and ponds or lakes or streams.  Once upon a time, The Green Park had all of these. There was a pond to supply water to St. James Palace and the pond (The Queen’s Basin) was fed by the Tyburn stream on its way to the Thames (Tims) River. As the city encroached, the pond, as water supplier, was no longer necessary and was eliminated.  How about the stream?  Tyburn stream still flows through Green Park, although you won’t ever get to see it.  Now it’s an underground stream and generally follows the path of the central walking path and also flows under Buckingham Palace. By the way, Green Park is the only Royal Park that doesn’t have a water feature, although a modern drinking fountain was installed in 2012.

The buildings.  Yes there was a library and a couple of temples dedicated to this and that, as well as a Ranger’s House for groundskeepers. The temples were destroyed during fireworks extravaganzas in the early 1800s. Other buildings were torn down.

What about the Queen’s Walk?  Created for Queen Caroline, George II’s queen.

The Queen's Walk

And Constitution Walk?  Britain had a constitution?  NO.  Constitution refers to Charles II’s habit of taking a daily walk along this path, a constitutional.

All sorts of nefarious deeds took place in Green Park, in addition to the assassination attempt on Queen Victoria.  In earlier years, the park was an area of robbers and highwaymen.

A young Queen Victoria

It was in Green Park that the first of eight assassination attempts was made on Queen Victoria.  She and Prince Albert, newly wed, left Buckingham Palace about 4 p.m. on 10 June 1840 and had gotten about a hundred yards up Constitution Hill when Edward Oxford, then 18 years old and armed with two pistols, waited for her open carriage to pass. He fired at close range, but missed.  The Queen was four months pregnant and neither she nor her husband were hurt.  Oxford was found to be insane and spent most of the rest of his life in a lunatic asylum

An older photo of Edward Oxford, the would be assassin.

With the Crown Land Act of 1851, the public has the right to cross the green. Wanna feel like royalty? Try a walk up Constitution Hill, which you can find on the map or the Queen’s Walk on the edge of the park, beginning right next to the Hotel Ritz.  And as I told you, look around!  London’s colorful history flows, even in the serenity of a blissful, royal park.  Not only colorful, but dark.  Lots of skeletons in London’s pretty closets.

 

The elderly Queen Victoria

More News From London?

More News From London?

From The Times.

National Health Service

Britain’s National Health Service paid the equivalent of over $2000 for a skin moisturizer that costs $2.80 in the local Boots pharmacy, $960 for a jar of coconut oil that sells for $1.41.  And the NHS has a problem with finances?  I’m shocked, but as my uncle once said, when I asked him how much it cost to get married, “I don’t know yet, I’m still paying.”  So are the Brits.

Show aims to break the mould (Brit spelling) by covering stage in clay

Three tons of clay are to be piled on the stage of Sadler’s Wells theatre for a performance during which dancers will manipulate the material and create sculptures.  This must be Mud Lake.  The older version had something to do with swans.

Later there will be mud wrestling, followed by water poured over the mud, while the orchestra plays “How I Miss the Mississippi.”

NHS Again

No news is not always good news.  And for NHS patients, no news is worse news.  Almost 400,000 letters are stuck in a warehouse after doctors continued sending them to a private company that had lost its contract.  The missives, including 1800 urgent test results, will cost $3,384,000 to sort out. 

Urgent for Mr. Freddie Greenwall:  Test results indicate something terrible will happen to your wee-wee.  Come in and let’s discuss your impending life as the bearded lady.

Urgent for Mrs. Paula Winters: Your estrogen level is so low you may now use the men’s room and apply for an addadicktome.  You are number 45, 402.  Currently serving number 4.

What’s In A Name?

Any of these names sound familiar?  Stinky Bay, Nuncle Dicks, Yellow Dog With No Teeth Bridge, Pissy Mare, Shittin Heugh, and Camel’s Humps?  Yes, they are all places in England, local names that don’t appear on maps.  Yes, these are real places. To stamp out confusion, The Ordnance Survey has been working with emergency services to produce a map that will include these and other local names.  Thank god they found something important to work on before it was too late!  The U.S. Geographic Names Information System (GNIS) has followed suit and will include the local names for Congress: Rumbling Bowels, and Ranting Knaves.

School Wits

Ripostes from teachers:

“Works hard at the subjects he likes………needs to increase the number of subjects he likes.”

From a University tutor:  “Surely in a week you had time to write a shorter essay.”

More dolphins and whales stranded in Cornwall. 

A total of 249 dolphins, porpoises, and whales were stranded on the beaches in Cornwall last year.  However many were able to lose enough weight to fit back into their swimsuits and leave on their own.

Ibuprofen may affect fertility of unborn girls

Taking ibuprofen in the first three months of pregnancy could harm the future fertility of a woman’s unborn daughter, a study suggests.

Could harm?  A study suggests?  That’s enough disclaimers to choke an insurance adjuster. And what about the discrimination factor?  Shouldn’t sons be affected, too?  Maybe. Possibly.  Some studies may suggest. I guess. No clue.

Television

A television advert featuring Captain Birds Eye jumping into the sea with his grandson has been pulled after complaints from a woman whose son died after jumping into cold water. No I did not make this up.

Another ad for laxatives was pulled when a woman was accidently ass-fixiated.  Yes, I did make this up.

Dog Bites Man, Especially If He’s a Bit of a Worrier

From a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology And Community Health

Epidemiology:  the branch of medicine that deals with the incidence, distribution, and possible control of diseases and other factors relating to health.  They also give odds on sporting events and suggest that men prefer blonds and brunettes are pissed.

These Epides say that 6750 people per year in England require hospital treatment for dog bites. Twice as many men are bitten as women. But, the study also found that the incident rate could be three times higher.  Well, that clears things up.  You may look 25, but you could actually be 75.  And that car you bought for $35,000, we’re made a very slight price adjustment.

Anyway, these folks, who’s motto is:  measure with a micrometer, mark it with a grease pencil and cut it with an axe, interviewed people in a semi-rural town in Cheshire, who were asked to fill in a questionnaire to assess their emotional stability.  Two people stabbed their interviewers with pencils, and several others sicced their dogs on ‘em.  The scientists from the University of Liverpool say they will have to readjust their stats and must sent the interviewers back, which caused a minor riot in which several scientists were bitten, and several others were dog collared and locked in cages. 

No, they really speculated that neurotic people are more likely to be bitten because a.  Neurotic people might behave in ways more likely to provoke dogs or b.  People who have been bitten become more nervous.  Never would have guessed that last one.

Well, Leroy, I’m going with a + b. I’m getting neurotic from trying to figure out the real conclusions and getting nervous about my own sanity for reading this article.

But, I do have some suggestions for further study.  Why do American dogs bark and German dogs don’t?

And why is it that Japanese dogs not only don’t bark, but have learned to cross streets at the crosswalks?

Yes, both are true.

News From London?

News From London ?

I don’t just go to London to shop, drink beer and stroll the streets.  Hell no, I come to notice this and that, and to keep all three of my faithful readers well conversant and informed on international affairs.

The stories in this installment come from yesterday’s Metro newspaper and with stories like these, you can give your imagination a rest and pour another Armagnac. 

First, I pose this puzzling question: Do politicians really change from country to country? 

My theory is they all come from the same cracked egg, but served on different platters.  You’ll recall the British people voted to divorce themselves from the European Union.  That was a couple of years ago.  But, leaving the EU isn’t as easy as standing in front of a Judge and saying, “Remember when the two of us said ‘I do?’ Well, now...” 

Here’s a recent meeting of the warring parties.

To quote: The German Chancellor was revealed to have told an audience of journalists that she keeps asking the Prime Minister what she wants from the divorce, but feels they are struck on a loop.

See, a man always loses an argument vis a vis a woman because he tries to be rational.  Women, on the other hand, have no slave-like devotion to rationality.  The reverse. Let’s go back to husband and wife.

Husband:  I think I’ll have a beer, want one?

Wife:  See, you always start that!

Husband:  Start what?

Wife:  See, there you go!

So, what happens when the argument is woman to woman?

Prime Minister May:  Make me an offer.

Chancellor Merkel: But, you’re leaving.  We don't have to make you an offer.

Prime Minister May:  Make me an offer.

There’s a lesson here men. Keep it simple and stay on point.  Above all, pay no attention to the counter argument.

Ok, let’s practice:

Woman:  You drink too much.

Man:  Sure is sunny today.

Woman:  I SAID you drink too much!

Man:  What a sunny day!

Woman:  Are you paying attention to what I’m saying?

Man:  Middle of winter and it’s sunny!

As for Britain vs the EU, dueling pistols at ten paces could settle this thing in a jiffy!  Either way, it’s one less politician. But, wait a sec, these are two women, leaders of their countries, which kinda negates all the whining by the feminist crowd.  Forgot, you’re anti-gun. Ok, let’s each of them grab a fistful of hair and act like ladies.

1 in 4 Skip Meals in Hidden Hunger Crisis

Is there anything that isn’t a crisis these days? But, here we have something even more diabolical, a hidden crisis, which means nobody can see it, right?  People in Britain are getting as fat as Americans, but wait, there’s a hidden crisis!  Sounds like another global warming, stamping of feet and raising of fists during a blizzard situation.

More than a quarter of parents are skipping meals because they cannot afford to buy food, a report on ‘hidden hunger’ has found.  How did they find it then? You may well ask.  Almost 2000 adults polled by the campaign group End Hunger UK found more than one in ten adults said their food bills have gone up.

So, let me get this straight.  25% of people polled are skipping a meal because 10% said their food bills have gone up?  I still don’t understand modern math, but then I cant find a hidden crisis either.

Who is this group of Wunderkinder who can find hidden crises? They should turn their talents to the female minds of Chancellor Merkel and Prime Minister May.  Gotta be more hidden crises to be dragged into the EU vs Britain divorce court.

And to nip this edition of News From London, we come to ‘Pensioner bit neighbor in the crotch as row flared up.’  Bet it did!  Did you just bite me or is that a lit Roman candle in my crotch?

Talk about getting down and dirty!  ‘An irate pensioner bit his neighbor in the crotch and on the nose when a dispute boiled over.’

It was a very simple case of the neighbor’s partner strolling by when the pensioner threw a hockey stick at her.  The neighbor went to investigate and arrived ready to puck.  The neighbor’s kin joined in, possibly thinking this was the kind of rough 69 action they’d been looking for.  The Pensioner declared he was not trying to bite the neighbor’s crotch, he was trying to get another meaty tooth in the neighbor’s nose, but the guy moved too fast. The neighbor’s kin admitted grabbing what he thought was the pensioner’s leg, and thinking the man was remarkably well hung.

Everyone in the fray received community service and a possible tryout for a new porn film titled, Gimme All Ya Got.

And that’s all the news for now.