More News From London?
From The Times.
National Health Service
Britain’s National Health
Service paid the equivalent of over $2000 for a skin moisturizer that costs
$2.80 in the local Boots pharmacy, $960 for a jar of coconut oil that sells for
$1.41. And the NHS has a problem with
finances? I’m shocked, but as my uncle
once said, when I asked him how much it cost to get married, “I don’t know yet,
I’m still paying.” So are the Brits.
Show aims to break the mould (Brit spelling) by
covering stage in clay
Three tons of clay are to be
piled on the stage of Sadler’s Wells theatre for a performance during which
dancers will manipulate the material and create sculptures. This must be Mud Lake. The older version had something to do with
swans.
Later there will be mud
wrestling, followed by water poured over the mud, while the orchestra plays
“How I Miss the Mississippi.”
NHS Again
No news is not always good
news. And for NHS patients, no news is
worse news. Almost 400,000 letters are
stuck in a warehouse after doctors continued sending them to a private company
that had lost its contract. The
missives, including 1800 urgent test results, will cost $3,384,000 to sort out.
Urgent for Mr. Freddie
Greenwall: Test results indicate something
terrible will happen to your wee-wee.
Come in and let’s discuss your impending life as the bearded lady.
Urgent for Mrs. Paula
Winters: Your estrogen level is so low you may now use the men’s room and apply
for an addadicktome. You are number 45,
402. Currently serving number 4.
What’s In A Name?
Any of these names sound
familiar? Stinky Bay, Nuncle Dicks,
Yellow Dog With No Teeth Bridge, Pissy Mare, Shittin Heugh, and Camel’s
Humps? Yes, they are all places in
England, local names that don’t appear on maps.
Yes, these are real places. To stamp out confusion, The Ordnance Survey
has been working with emergency services to produce a map that will include
these and other local names. Thank god
they found something important to work on before it was too late! The
U.S. Geographic Names Information System (GNIS) has followed suit
and will include the local names for Congress: Rumbling Bowels, and
Ranting Knaves.
School Wits
Ripostes from teachers:
“Works hard at the subjects
he likes………needs to increase the number of subjects he likes.”
From a University tutor: “Surely in a week you had time to write a
shorter essay.”
More dolphins and whales stranded in Cornwall.
A total of 249 dolphins,
porpoises, and whales were stranded on the beaches in Cornwall last year. However many were able to lose enough weight
to fit back into their swimsuits and leave on their own.
Ibuprofen may affect fertility of unborn girls
Taking ibuprofen in the first
three months of pregnancy could harm
the future fertility of a woman’s unborn daughter, a study suggests.
Could harm? A study
suggests? That’s enough disclaimers
to choke an insurance adjuster. And what about the discrimination factor? Shouldn’t sons be affected, too? Maybe. Possibly. Some studies may suggest. I guess. No clue.
Television
A television advert featuring
Captain Birds Eye jumping into the sea with his grandson has been pulled after
complaints from a woman whose son died after jumping into cold water. No I did
not make this up.
Another ad for laxatives was
pulled when a woman was accidently ass-fixiated. Yes, I did make this up.
Dog Bites Man, Especially If He’s a Bit of a Worrier
From a study published in the Journal of
Epidemiology And Community Health
Epidemiology: the branch of medicine that deals with the incidence,
distribution, and possible control of diseases and other factors relating to
health. They also give odds on sporting events and suggest that men
prefer blonds and brunettes are pissed.
These Epides say that 6750 people per year in
England require hospital treatment for dog bites. Twice as many men are bitten
as women. But, the study also found that the incident rate could be three times
higher. Well, that clears things up. You may look 25, but
you could actually be 75. And that car you bought for $35,000, we’re
made a very slight price adjustment.
Anyway, these folks, who’s motto
is: measure with a micrometer, mark it with a grease pencil and cut
it with an axe, interviewed people in a semi-rural town in Cheshire, who were
asked to fill in a questionnaire to assess their emotional stability. Two
people stabbed their interviewers with pencils, and several others sicced their
dogs on ‘em. The scientists from the University of Liverpool say
they will have to readjust their stats and must sent the interviewers back,
which caused a minor riot in which several scientists were bitten, and several
others were dog collared and locked in cages.
No, they really speculated that neurotic people
are more likely to be bitten because a. Neurotic people might behave
in ways more likely to provoke dogs or b. People who have been
bitten become more nervous. Never would have guessed that last one.
Well, Leroy, I’m going with a + b. I’m getting
neurotic from trying to figure out the real conclusions and getting nervous
about my own sanity for reading this article.
But, I do have some suggestions for further
study. Why do American dogs bark and German dogs don’t?
And why is it that Japanese dogs not only don’t
bark, but have learned to cross streets at the crosswalks?
Yes, both are true.
