College Football Rules Change

Full Stadium as fans eagerly await the results of the SAT competition.

With the college football season in doubt, the NCAA has promoted the idea of simply deciding the National Championship on the basis of SAT scores.

The Ivy League schools immediately embraced the idea of a return to STUDENT-athletes, as opposed to student-ATHLETES.  However, the ACLU filed suit, saying that it discriminated against the mentally handicapped.

Under the NCAA proposal, sixty football players from each school would be tested.  Coaches have protested that this means changing horses in the middle of the offensive and defensive lines.  As one coach put it, “How can I take time out from weight trying to teach them to reed  red. whatever?”

Other coaches threatened suicide.

Already, the recruitment process has shifted.  Gravis Johnson, who has never played football, but has a perfect SAT score has been approached by several schools.  The coach of one major football university explained, “Getting Gravis on our team would actually be a huge benefit, him being a quick learner and stuff.”  

Ballet may also become a part of spring football practice.  Calligraphy has also been mentioned because of the new requirement to use the full alphabet instead of just Xs and Os

Players and coaches rioting after the NCAA announcement.

On the legal side, scholars have jumped in to say, one thing that has to change is a loosening up of rules about domestic violence. “How can we expect these fine young men to take out their aggressions if they spend all their time studying? We suggest that if there is no death involved….”  And if there is? “We should view each event case by case. For example, beating someone to death with a rubber mallet is much more serious than simply shooting someone with a 357 Magnum and quickly blowing their brains out.  For the latter, perhaps counseling would be appropriate.”

Wealthy alumni have also chimed in.  Said one oil man and multimillionaire, “I ain’t payin’ for no damn educations! Far as I’m concerned, if they ain’t beatin’ nobody head in, I ain’t contributin’!”

One coach, who’s record incudes a 98% graduation rate, is currently being investigated for running brothel, a minor offense, and for making illegal payments to college board members, which he claims was “Only being nice to nice people.” 

The NCAA has yet to make a final decision and the discussion is complicated.  Should there be a period of transition, when those who have not attended classes be allowed a deference?  Should the ACT be scaled to the SAT?  Should scholars who give SAT crash courses be paid as assistant coaches and should head coaches be retrained as college deans?  

One thing for sure, nothing is sure.