Easy, Imprecise, Don’t Give A Damn Bread

Easy, Imprecise, Don’t Give A Damn Bread

Some bakers live and die by precise measurements, and think deviation is another word for disaster.  

Of course, bakers have their own problems.  Once, in Paris, near the Cathedral de Notre Dame, there was a big tent, with an ongoing search for the finest Parisian baguette.   In the judging room, cluttered with chairs and crowded with the curious, a row of judges sat in full white regalia, including white toques.   Being visitors, we strolled through, watched the mighty judges pick small bits off one loaf after another, chew solemnly, as if every nibble were a noble chance to prove their taste buds held the secret of perfection.

After our stroll through, we took seats at an outdoor café diagonally across the street, ordered wine and compared notes on what we’d seen, most expressions making use of the word snobbery, or a variety of synonyms.  Then low and behold, the baguette judges came over, happily strolling along, and all of them smoking black tobacco cigarettes, leaving a collective trail of smoke like a pickup truck badly in need of a ring job.  Taste buds indeed!

It was then I concluded that baking rules for this and that were the constructions of men with eroded taste buds, and who probably didn’t wash their hands after visiting the men’s room. 

It was a breath of freedom.  No longer did I fear to use my kitchen to bake my own bread.  Rules optional. Good taste required.

But, is there a limit to freedom?  What if, like my three faithful readers, you’re a beer guzzling sloth, and just want some damn bread before the sun closes shop for the day?

Well, fellow reprobates, no matter if you don’t know whole wheat from corn meal, I have a 4 ingredient solution that requires no proofing, no kneading, has flexible ingredients, is happy as a grandpa with just one rising and tastes better than a very surprising Friday night kiss!

Would I lie to you? ….. Well, yes, probably…. but not this time!  I swear!  And I have photos to prove it!  

You’re a baking novice?  Think pancakes go in a toaster?  Read on.  This bread is easier than popping open another brew and just as tasty.

The first corner I cut is to use my food processor. No food processor?  Use a bowl and spoon.

Easy, Imprecise, Don’t Give A Damn Bread

Equipment:  Dutch oven (any sizeable pot with a lid will do), food processor, spatula, large bowl, dough scraper. 

When it comes to measurements, I use the TLAR method. (that looks about right)

Ingredients:

6 cups flour, or so.

½ teaspoon yeast  (That’s about a thumb nail’s worth)

2 teaspoons salt (Pour some salt in your hand and give it a WAG – wild ass guess.)

3 cups very warm water (Not scalding or boiling, but VERY warm)

Put the dry ingredients in the food processor and pulse a few times to mix. Add the warm water and keep the food processor running until the dough starts to pull away from the sides.  Keep in mind, this is a soft, sticky dough, so don’t expect it to ball up.

Dip your spatula in water and scrape the dough into a large bowl. 

Hint:  Water on the spatula and on your fingers prevents the sticky dough from sticky-to-you.

Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and let stand at room temperature for 3 hours, or 4 hours or 5.  The dough doesn’t give a damn!

Hint:  I bought clear plastic shower caps and use them to cover big bowls.  A package costs about $3 for 15.

Generously flour the surface of a kitchen counter and use your spatula to scrape the dough out of the bowl.

Dust the top of the dough with flour.  Use the dough scraper to shape the dough into a round.

Line a big bowl with parchment paper and lift the well-floured round of dough into the bowl.  Let the dough rest while the oven heats.

Put the Dutch oven in the baking oven and heat to 450ºF.  When it gets to 450, you’re ready to put the bread into the heated pan.

Dough being put into the Dutch oven.

Be careful!  Get the Dutch oven out using heavy oven mitts and place it on a non-scorching surface. Take off the top, and use the edges of the parchment paper to lift out the dough from the bowl, parchment paper and all and place into the hot pot.  Put the lid on, and put the Dutch oven back in the baking oven.  Bake for 40 minutes.

Bread after baking for 40 minutes.  Now take it out, remove the paper and put it back in without the lid for another 15 minutes.

Remove the Dutch oven, lift the lid, and carefully take the bread out.  Remove the parchment paper, put the loaf of bread back in the Dutch oven.  Leave the lid off and put the lid-less Dutch oven back in the baking oven.  Let the bread bake another 15 minutes.

The Results!!

Voilá!  Let the bread cool on a rack before slicing.  

In your best French accent, tell your guests, “Ziss iss zee best Freeench bread I ave bakid for yu.” As the applause dies down, walk out on the porch and put a match to a Gauloises.