The Realtor's Name Was Shirley

The realtor’s name was Shirley.  What you’d expect.  Blond hair, with dark eyebrows, eyelashes like whisk booms, a paste on smile, lips the color of a fire truck, and enough makeup to plaster a house. Well dressed, but not so well fitted.

“I think you’re going to love this next neighborhood, especially if you’re looking for a fixer-upper. Starting in the low 100s.”

They turned into an old neighborhood, Excretion Farms.  “Don’t worry about the name.  It’s named after Federico Excrito, the owner of the plantation back in the day.”

“Now we’re turning onto Wasted Lake.  Used to be a sewer treatment plant, but then they turned it into a lovely lake.  Notice how green everything is?”

“Where’s the lake?” Jack asked.

“Oh, they filled that in years ago, back before all these environmental regulations spoiled everything.  See the house on the left?”

“The one with the car on jacks?” Jack asked.

“Yep, that’s it.  They lowered the asking price by $500.”

“Really?  Does that include a free oil change?”

“What’s the asking price now?” Mary asked.

“$500.”

“$500, OOO?  Half a million for that shack?” Jack asked

“Well, it’s only a mile from beachfront.” There was a pause. “Now we’re turning onto You’re In place.”

“Wonderful!  Next you’ll tell us we’ll drive down Upthta Creek, “ Jack said.

“You must mean, Shite Creek,” Shirley said, “named for Upton Shite, a state legislator.”

“I noticed many of the lots are empty,” Jack said.

“Yes, well, it’s all because of this used to be a burial ground for victims of diarrhea and gonorrhea. That was back in the 1840s.  Then came the Spanish Flu in 1918.”

“They’re buried here, too?” Jack asked.

“Along with the plague victims.  But, this area is catching on.”

“Yeah, among the terminally ill,” Jack said under his breath.  Mary gave him an elbow nudge.

“I’ve still got a lot to show you,” Shirley said. “There’s Pus Lane, named after Doctor Johnny Pusane who practiced here before abortion was legal. It is a cross street for….”

“I think we’ve seen enough,” Jack and Mary said in unison.

“Oh don’t worry.  We’ll stop at the clinic on the way out.  They do a good job of screening.”

“Oh, good news,” Jack said, wanely.

“Next I’d like to take you to Forest Heights….well, it used to be a forest.”