Banana-Coconut-Walnut-Cinnamon Muffins by The Careless Cook

 

Banana-Coconut-Walnut-Cinnamon Muffins by The Careless Cook

 

What if you need to feed muffins to about twenty hungry ladies who have flitted past the age of consent long ago and hurdled a few other milestones?  What if you only have an hour or so to complete this wondrous task?  Now let’s up the ante.  Suppose your culinary career and high hopes for a settled and peaceful home-life rides on your performance?

 

Can it be done?  Well, of course and The Careless Cook will lead you on, smiling and cheerful.  Who knows, you may even get in return sly winks from your fatted calves and promises of sweet reminders of your youth, like chocolate cookies and your grandmother’s peanut brittle.  If you are lucky, you may even get pecks on the cheek, but I wouldn’t count on it.  There are limits.

 

Admittedly, The Careless Cook keeps a well-stocked larder, so if my three faithful followers lag behind in the fundamentals of chefery, they may need to make a quick trip to a nearby grocery.  And let that be a lesson to you!

 

It’s football season, so I’ll put it this way:  Are you ready to cook?  I SAID:  ARE YOU READY TO COOK?  YES, you scream, as we break the huddle and head to the kitchen.

 

Time to get on with it.

 

Sometimes the best recipes may be found on common packaging and so it was with this one from a box of Bran Flakes.  But, of course, being careless by nature and habit, The Careless Cook had to make a few minor changes, all of which are pleasing.

 

Banana-Coconut-Walnut-Cinnamon Muffins.

I realize that’s a mouthful. You may want to casually 

 mention Bran Muffins and let your hungry hordes guess

 the rest.

 

NOTE:  You may have noticed I frequently use my food processor for blending bakery dough or batter.  NOT THIS TIME.  ALL IS HAND MIXED IN A BOWL, WITH A WHISK.

 

Ingredients

 

2 cups of bran flakes

1 ripe banana, mashed

1 x 13.66 ounce can of coconut milk, or whatever amount your can says

½ cup brown sugar

1 egg

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract…I just used a slosh

1 ½ cups of flour. I used unbleached all purpose

½ to ¾ cups of chopped walnuts

1 good handful of sweetened, shredded coconut

1 ½ teaspoons baking soda

¾ teaspoon ground cinnamon, or a bit more

½ teaspoon salt  - don’t you just hate it when recipe

writers turn up their noses to show off their delicate sensitivities by specifying what kind of salt, like kosher salt or sea salt?  Yes there are some minor differences, but with ½ teaspoon, sodium chloride is sodium chloride!

 

People sometimes ask me, is salt really kosher?  No.  It’s a heavy grained salt, with no additives, used to season or preserve kosher meat.

 

Puttin’ It Together

 

Preps:

Heat your oven to 375ºF (with my oven, which runs a little hot, I used 350ºF)

Smear a 12 cup muffin tin with butter.  I used my fingers to smear and to make sure the tins were well coated. 

 

I was making 20+ muffins, so I used two 12 cup muffin tins and only filled them halfway.

 

1. Put bran cereal and coconut milk in a large bowl and stir well. Add banana, sugar, vanilla, and egg.  Stir until well blended.  Now whisk in remaining ingredients (except for flour and baking soda) until well blended.

 

2. Whisk together the flour and baking soda, and blend in with the other ingredients, a little at a time.

 

3. Put the batter in the muffin tins and shove them in the oven for 20 minutes.  Since I was only filling my cups half full, I used 18 minutes. Either way, test by inserting a toothpick in a muffin.  Should come out clean.

 

Time to finish that morning snifter of brandy and pat yourself on the back, if you can still reach your back.  If not, either join a yoga class, or ask the ladies to do the patting.

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Spanish Almond Chicken by The Careless Cook

 

Spanish Almond Chicken by The Careless Cook

 

 

 

We lived in Spain for a while and the Spanish cuisine is one of my favorites.  The last time I was there with my brother, we learned when you go into a café or bar, don’t order food, just order wine. 

 

The word tapa is frequently overplayed in the U.S., but in Spain it’s a small dish that comes along with any drink you order, be it beer or wine or a rum and Coke.  Olives, garlic shrimp, thin slices of delicious Serrano ham, Manchego cheese, made from the milk of sheep from the Manchego breed.  I’ve also often been blessed when presented with a small plate of unsalted anchovies in garlic oil. In the U.S., eating anchovies means being turned into a first cousin of Lot’s wife.  Not so in Spain. In garlic oil, or freshly fried, they are delicious.

 

 

And that takes us into the many varieties of the broad, Spanish Cuisine, beginning with the world famous paella from Valencia, and cochinillio asado, roast suckling pig, just to name a few of the culinary wonders that come from a Spanish kitchen. Almost forgot to mention the soups!  Gazpacho, Caldo Gallego from the north, and the unforgettable Fabada de Asturiana, also from the north.  Sometimes I think I could live on Fabada, that wonderful bean stew!

 

Which brings me to travel.  There is much more to Spain than Madrid, Barcelona, Valencia and the other tourist meccas.   Each is wonderful of course, and well worth some of your time, but don’t forget the north and northwest.  Think of the United States and ask yourself if you’ve seen the country after visiting New York City, San Francisco and Miami, and disregarding all the wonders in between.

 

I’ve been asked if there’s a Spanish wine I really like.  Yes, the wet kind. In a bar you just order a wine, red or white and what you get is wonderful.  Same with beer.  Now I must warn you, if you order a Cuba Libre, you better specify rum, or you may get either Coke with rum, or gin.

 

Ok, you hungry tourists….

 

 

 

Time we git wit it!

 

 

Spanish Almond Chicken 

 

 

Yield: serves 4

Time: About an hour, not counting the chopping and dicing.

 

By the way, I prefer what the French call mis en place (miz ahn plashs), which means doing all the chopping and measuring and getting everything ready before you start cookin’ with heat!

 

Note: this dish is all done on your stovetop.  No need for an oven.

Ingredients

·       About 1/3 cup olive oil – amount is hard to tell.  You’ll be using a splash here and there

·       1 tsp. smoked Spanish paprika (pimentón) Don’t have it?  Use regular paprika.

·       5 skinless, boneless chicken thighs, patted dry

·       Salt and pepper

·       2 medium onions, peeled and diced (I used sweet onions, but cook’s choice)

·       3-4 large garlic cloves, peeled and chopped

·       2 heaping teaspoons flour

·       1 cup dry white wine

·       2 cups chicken stock

.    Two or three sprinkles of dried oregano

·       1 teaspoon Turmeric.  The Spanish use saffron, but it’s expensive and Turmeric works fine. 

·       Roasted salted marcona almonds (about 2 cups), finely ground, plus more whole almonds, for garnish.  Yes you can use marcona almonds and they are delicious, but again, expensive.  I used regular almonds, fried them in some olive oil and added salt.

·       Note:  I used one cup of ground almonds

·       1 tbsp. sherry vinegar.  Any lightly flavored vinegar will do.

·       Parsley leaves, for garnish – use or don’t use.

Instructions

1.    In a large skillet (big enough to hold all the chicken pieces…in step two (below), stir together 2 tablespoons or a bit more of the oil and the paprika. Turn the heat to medium and stir, until fragrant. Fragrance will happen rapidly!

2.    Season the chicken with salt and black pepper and add it to the skillet. Turn the heat to high and add 2 more tablespoons of the oil. Turn the chicken as needed, until browned on both sides. Transfer to a plate.

3.    Add a little more oil to the skillet, toss in the onions and turn the heat down to medium-high. Cook, stirring, until onions are soft and translucent. Add the chopped garlic cloves and cook until fragrant, about 1 minute more. Stir in the flour and cook until white streaks have disappeared. Add the white wine, stir, turn the heat to high, and cook until bubbling and thick, about 3 minutes. Gradually stir in the stock, oregano, and saffron or turmeric. Add the reserved chicken and any accumulated juices and bring to a boil. Turn the heat to medium-low and cook, partially covered until the sauce thickens. Watch it!  If will happen fast!

4.    Stir in the ground almonds, vinegar, and cook a few minutes more. Sprinkle the chopped parsley and the whole almonds you put aside, and serve over rice.

 

My photos do not do this dish justice.  This is one of the most delicious I have prepared in a long time.  Would I lie to you?  Have I lied to you?  I’m thinking, no, but then my memory is drifting with the tide.  Anyway, I always have your best interests at heart.

 

Spanish Almond Chicken….tasting is believing!

 

  Graammar 

                  And

               Wheere

                           It’s

 

                                  Gooooing

 

 

 

Narrator (N): Our guest today is the noted grammarian, Dr. Jane Plain, BA, MA, PhD, Etc, and noted grammarian.  Dr. Plain has been on this program before and now she’s back with more exciting grammar points.

As you know, Dr. Plain also plays polo and can really give those balls a good wallop. 

 

Welcome back Dr. Plain!  I can see in your eyes how exciting grammar is and I’m so glad you came to bring excitement to the readers and I.

 

Doctor Plain (DP):  Well, to begin, it should be “the readers and me.”  You bring excitement to me.

 

N:  I’m glad to hear that I do.

 

DP:  No, no, I mean the phrase you spoke should be “..to the readers and me,” not the readers and I.  You can’t bring excitement to I.

 

N:  I’m sorry to hear that and I think it’s time for a station break before I slap those pronouns off your silly face. I’m joking of course, those pronouns are welcome to stay….on your silly face! hahahaha

 

Station Break

 

N:  Shall we begin again?

 

DP: Someone said….I think it was an Englishman, from a country where English is still spoken….that Americans never use one word when two will do.  Whoever it was, he missed the half of it.  Grammar in America has been discarded. The illiteracy of the masses has filled the gap with nearly incomprehensible rubbish.

 

Sometimes I find myself eavesdropping on some of this almost unbearable gibberish. It often takes me days. to get over it.  Let me give you a few examples…make that many examples. Disgusting examples. Horrific examples, and sadly many come from the mouths of educators. 

 

I’m often called a member of the GRAMMAR POLICE.  Not true.  Not only do I never arrest anyone, as thoughtful as that might be, nor do I make any attempt at correcting the boorish. That would be like trying to teach a pig to sing.  It only frustrates you and annoys the pig.

 

How often have you heard:  Where are you AT?  If you insist on adding AT, I suggest chewing on a piece of straw and saying DANG and HONEY while you say it.

 

Or:  “Where are you going TO?” As if “Where are you going?” is causing confusion.  Drop the TO and point in different directions with a puzzled look.  Where are you going?  TO or FRO?

 

Then, there are some of my favorite idiot expressions.  I don’t EVEN know.  ODDs are you don’t, and never will.

 

Or:  I’ve never seen that IN MY LIFE.  Maybe you saw it in someone else’s life?  Perhaps I’ve never seen it in your life.

 

N:  Goodness I hope not.

 

DP: Of course we hear the interminable LIKE, galloping like a snake-bitten horse through every sentence!

 

I was LIKE talking to LIKE everyone.  My question is:  LIKE talking? How much LIKE talking? Actually whistling, but it sounded LIKE talking?  LIKE everyone? LIKE a few, but not everyone?

 

Here are some helpful hints:  I was talking to everyone.  I was talking to almost everyone.  The dog was growling, but it sounded as if he were talking.

 

Going to the next LEVEL, or taking it to the NEXT LEVEL. This overly used expression is especially prominent in sports.  How do you know when you make it to the NEXT LEVEL? Where exactly is the next LEVEL?  Depends on where you start, does it not?  But, aren’t there several levels?  Which one are you talking about?  You sure you’re being on the LEVEL?

 

OFF the CHARTS.  Which charts? Did your pumping heart just overpower the EKG and go off the chart?  Now, I agree Columbus did go off the charts.

 

BLUE IN COLOR?  As opposed to Blue in size?  I’d like to buy a shirt that’s blue in smell, also an apple that’s red in circumference.

A YOUNG AGE:  He learned it at a YOUNG AGE. What's wrong with he learned it as a child, or he learned it when he was young? Or as a toddler, or as an infant, or as a school girl?  Specificity works well.

 

ACTUALLY, I’m going downtown.  I going downtown works very well, unless you’re not going, then I’m not going downtown is a great substitute.  Perhaps you hesitate to go downtown?

 

BASICALLY.  Will someone please tell me where that fits into a sentence because BASICALLY I don’t know.

 

He caught the biggest fish IN THE WORLD (or ON THE PLANET)!  Where else do you think he might have caught it?  Pluto?  The moon? Wait a sec; Pluto is no longer a planet.  Just didn’t make it to the next level.

 

PRICE POINT.   Car salesmen and realtors feel the need to make things sound more official, or more important and complex, or to make the customer feel he just reached the next level.  The customer isn’t just looking at the price.  Ordinary folks do that.  He’s much more clever. He’s mulling over THE PRICE POINT!

 

A corollary to PRICE POINT is INVESTING, or INVESTMENT.  When I invest in something, I’m trying my best to make money, or put myself in a better financial shape, or position.  I invest in my education. I invest in my relationship.  There are other examples, but they don’t include INVESTING in something like a regular car, not a classic, or a pair of shoes, unless they were worn by Fred Astaire or Michael Jordan.  Normal purchases are not going to make you money, unless the shoes are part of an outfit for an interview that might get you a job.  But, I doubt you’d pass the like interview.

 

I’ve been in a grocery store and heard the clerk say, “You SAVED $12.56.”  Did I really save that much? I’m so happy!  I can’t wait to be a millionaire. How about, "You just spent half your weekly income."

 

Then there’s the misuse of pronouns….oh, where to start….or better yet, where to finish?  Let’s take one I just mentioned, the use of I instead of me and the use of he instead of him.  The pronoun me is treated like a cur with mange.  Nobody wants to touch it, or use it.  He gave it to he and I.  No he didn’t.  He didn’t give it to he and he didn’t give it to I.  He gave it to him and me. 

 

Next up HATE/HATERS:  This, as with the word LOVE, is an overused term, so vague as to mean everything from disagreeing, to being very unhappy that you got a concealed carry permit.  

 

Lets try some more descriptive words that get your point across.  I don’t HATE her, but she disgusts me.  I disapprove and find him atrocious.   I really don’t like her. Also, she reeks of last year’s opinions and I dislike her potty mouth.  He has a face like an overcooked brisket.  She is not fat, she is a well fed rodent.  He is, too.  She is too stupid to be a scullery maid. I find his vocabulary inadequate.

 

You may never hear this phrase: He is not a HATER, he simply disagrees with me. 

 

Now let’s get back to LOVE.  I LOVE my dog, I LOVE my shoes, I LOVE this delicious salad, and by the way, I LOVE my mother.  Also, I would LOVE it if you used proper grammar!  Rubbish!  Let’s introduce some other words into your piddling vocabulary.  LIKE, AM FOND OF, APPRECIATE, DELIGHTFUL, DELICIOUS, and so many more.  You may know the ancient Greeks had eight words for love.  Our one word usage is smeared on everything from a lover’s lips to buttered toast!

 

As the song goes in My Fair Lady, “Why can’t the English teach their children how to speak?” Golly like Honey, basically we ‘Mericans have like reached the edge of the like cliff.  When it comes to like grammar, we’re off the charts, gone down to the bottom level, worst on the planet, worst I’ve ever seen in my life, and I like actually don’t know where we’re headed to!  But, I’ve got an idea.  Hope all you haters go›t the message!

 

N:   Well, Dr. Plain, I have certainly found this time to be exhilarating, exciting, and so forth.  I hope you will visit us again and good luck finding your true love.  But, perhaps you already have and are wearing them on your feet

New Football Rules

 

Smarty Pants:  Well, football season is finally here! I’m Smarty, with my fellow prognosticator, Sandy Bottom, coming to you from radio station Y-E-L-L, located on the campus of the University of Long Pants, in Long Pants, in the exciting Midwest.   Now let’s get started.  First thing is, the recent popularity of Mixed Martial Arts recruits.

 

Sandy:  Yes, few fans realize that the whole recruitment process has changed quite a bit.

 

Smarty:  Not just martial artists, who can sure beat you with their feet, Also, referees have been retiring in droves.  Many have become circus clowns and community activists. Others serve as elementary school crossing guards. 

 

Sandy:  Let’s skip that for now. I think we ought to begin with some of the recent rule changes and some that lurk on the horizon.

 

Smarty (chuckling):  They changed the horizon?

 

Sandy:  Let’s get serious and talk about the new concealed carry rule.

 

Smarty:  You mean the one where a player may tuck the ball under his jersey?

 

Sandy:  That’s the one, and I think it’s going to really help out Toggi, the  seven foot seven, 650 pound Pacific Islander, and others like him. Did you realize the linemen average over six hundred and fifty pounds these days?

 

Smarty:  You think nobody going to notice the bulge?

 

Sandy:  Toggi could hide Jumbo the elephant under that jersey and people will just think he ate his normal breakfast.

 

Smarty:  How ‘bout the other rule about guns?

 

Sandy:  This rule is to shorten the games, as well as life spans.

 

Smarty:  Want to explain that to the listeners?

 

Sandy:  As you know, the length of the games have gone from what was supposed to be an hour to an hour and a half to over four hours, including potty breaks.  The new rule says four players on each team will be armed, with each having one bullet. They may fire their bullet at any time.  They may also be used to return fire. At halftime the armed players will change, so in the second half, players’ eyes will be constantly shifting, looking for telltale smoke and the smell of cordite.  I’m sure several will volunteer to be in motion and just wander around in the backfield. Some may never come back in the huddle.

 

Smarty: But, just to clear this up, the shooters can use their one shot at will?

 

Sandy:  That’s right.  Now, there are some restrictions.  No head shots, no shooting at the coaches, or the coaches testicles.

 

Smarty:  Do the restrictions apply to the assistant coaches?

 

Sandy:  No, but assistant coaches have become rare and often call in sick.

 

Smarty:  Are there restrictions on the weapons?

 

Sandy: All pistols will be 357 magnums, with hollow point bullets and silencers.  One of the very positive aspects is that most teams have at least sixty players sitting on the bench.  This will give the subs a chance to play.

 

Smarty:  Probably the bench sitters will be forced to wander on the field. 

 

Sandy:  That’s true.  But, in some cases they may play the whole game, while the starters shower and look for jobs. Jobs like prison guards and lab rats.  

 

Smarty:  So when a player is shot, can he be replaced?

 

Sandy: No, and that will shorten the game even more.  Also referees will wear flack vests, but can also be shot,  making them hesitant to throw flags. Another speed up result.

 

Smarty:  This may lead to other changes.

 

Sandy:  Of course.  Football is copying ice hockey rules.  Players may continue to fight until they no longer have the will to live.  The new rule on brass knuckles is also in effect. However, players have an out. They may enter the Transfer Portal at any point in the game and be carried off the field in armored cars driven by the coaches of the team they’ve decided to play for.

 

Smarty:  Are the ones who enter the Portal eligible to be shot?

 

Sandy:  Absolutely, and probably will be.

 

Smarty: There’s been some discussion about changing the name from Transfer Portal to the Quiet Lunge.

 

Sandy:  Why is that?

 

Smarty:  Well, Transfer Portal is too often abbreviated to T.P. and some native Americans have objected.  To change the subject, care to mention the change in the extra point rule.

 

Sandy:  The extra point will no longer be kicked.  Instead, the player formerly known as the kicker will hold the ball close to his or her chest and be tossed over the uprights by four of their teammates.

 

Smarty:  You mentioned his or her.

 

Sandy: Yes, this is to get more women and the elderly in the game. Most teams have hired very lightweight people formally known as kickers.  Hiring anorexics has become very popular. Some are women.  Not surprisingly, nursing homes are also often popular.

 

Smarty: Can the kicker being tossed also be shot?

 

Sandy:  Yes, absolutely.  By the way, it’s no longer called an extra point, but a clay pigeon point.

 

Smarty:  What if the kicker doesn’t want to be tossed?

 

Sandy:  First off, he will be given a reluctantly thrown flag for having a bad attitude, and a non-volunteer in the stands will be selected at random and chased onto the field by armed guards who fire warning shots.

 

Smarty:  Lately, we’ve been inundated, or for our listening audience, lots and lots of times, players have been caught giving unsolicited manual and penis massages, usually to young women, after hours, while the women were walking down the street, or making other provocative movemets.  Has that been addressed?

 

Sandy:  Yes, it has.  There are now strict rules.  Unsolicited touching of women who are drunk and follow a player back to the athletic dorm, with or without penis contact, will cause the player to have to skip classes for three days, and promise to be nice.

 

Smarty:  That’s going a bit far, don’t’ you think?  And what about something as vicious as rape?

 

Sandy: That’s more serious and for the first twenty-four rapes, the player will not be allowed to play for six games.  More than twenty-four and he will not be allowed to drink alcoholic beverages until after breakfast.  This one is called the twenty-four strike rule.

 

Smarty:  Those are stout rules!

 

Sandy:  Yes indeedy. It will teach a lesson.

 

Smarty: And what is that?

 

Sandy:  Keep your number of rapes below twenty-four and if they follow you back to the dorm, toss them out the window.

 

Smarty:  And what about the coaches cursing on the sidelines?

 

Sandy:  They will have to buy beer for the whole team, and may be castrated and taught to wear high heels.

 

Smarty: That’s all the time we have for today……Sandy, you going to finish that Scotch and soda? And you got any weed on you?