Let's Go to Oslo!

The map is skewed.  Norway had the 6th largest land area in Western Europe

Oslo's Fjord

When I mention Oslo, what grabs you?  Bright nights?  Blizzards and cross country skiing?  Something more personal?

 

Sweaters flit through my mind.  Honestly.  Thick wooly pullovers in geometric patterns of red and white and black.  I’d never thought about Norway until a college friend offered to let a group of us buy Norwegian sweaters at a discount.  That was back in 1965.  He had a catalogue and an overseas girlfriend.  She may have been American.  There are some 4.5 million Norwegian-Americans, mostly in the upper mid-west.  Big number considering the population of the home country is just a tad over 5 million, making it the smallest in population of the Scandinavian countries, the other two being Sweden and Denmark.

Since that long ago and far away time, Norway’s passed through the gray cells on occasion. Reindeer herds roaming the tundra.  Those perennially popular shoes, Bass Weejuns. They’re now made in El Salvador, but the name is a shortened form of ‘Norwegian.’

Midnight sun. In Svalbard, Norway, the northernmost inhabited region of Europe, there is no sunset from approximately 19 April to 23 August.  About 30% of Norway is in the Artic Circle.  What in the flames of Hades does this have to do with Oslo?

Not much, but Oslo does get cooooold.  Although it’s well below the Artic Circle, on the eastern coast, very close to Sweden.  No wonder everyone treats the whole area as Scandinavia.  Not only are the three countries close together, but Denmark, Sweden, and Norway have been so mixed and matched over the centuries, it’s amazing the puzzle ever got sorted out.  In the magic year of 1905 Norway finally became independent from Sweden.  No bloodshed involved.

One may well asked if the languages are similar.  Although, I can’t even say “Bring me a beer” or “Nice tits!” in any of the three, the locals told me that if you speak one of the Scandinavian languages, you can understand the other two.  Finnish and Icelandic are in different ball parks.

So, what’s to do in Oslo?  You mean after drinking the beer and drooling over the women, right?

First off, if you’re on a cruise, enjoy the entry through Oslo’s fjord, although geographically speaking, it not a fjord at all.  No steep mountains that race down to the water’s edge. But, it’s commonly called a fjord and the island views are still magnificent.

Frogner Park.  Contains the ‘don’t you dare miss it’ Vigeland Sculpture Arrangement.  The park is the largest in the city and the Arrangement is the largest sculpture park by a single artist.  What kinds of sculpture?  Men, women, children, captured in stone in astonishing poses.  Singles. Groups.  You start by giving the vast space a quick once over and a yawn, but soon the emotions grab you, the strains of happiness, anger, and angst.  Even when your visit is over, the statues will haunt you.

The Munch Museum.  Edvard Munch is one of the world’s best-known expressionist painters.  Think the expressionist were all French?  Started out that way.  Check out Munch’s most famous painting, The Scream, and notice the similarities.  By the way, he did four versions of The Scream, three of which are in Norway.  See two examples below, one a version of the painting and the other a wood block. *

The Viking Ship Museum contains three rare examples of the ships of legend, all of them found by two, bored teenage boys who in 1879 decided to dig in a large mound near their family’s farm.

The Norwegian Museum of Cultural History let’s you step back in time and see how Norwegians lived through the centuries.  There’s a museum and also a village, complete with costumed enactors doing crafts and making old-style foods.  You take one look at those old houses, with barely a shred of insulation, fireplace heating, no running water, and you find yourself wondering how the hell did they keep from freezing!

Speaking of culture, think back to your high school English classes.  The name Henrik Ibsen bring back memories?  “Doll’s House” ring a bell?  Shakespeare and Ibsen are the world’s most performed dramatists.   Ibsen draged drama kicking and screaming into the modern world.

Norwegians did a lot of Polar exploration. The Fram Museum honors them.

Another neat thing about all the museums is that they’re only walking distance apart.

One tidbit of info:  Grab a hop-on-hop-off bus that will give you a quick tour of the entire city and cater to your yearning to jump off and take a closer look.  But, choose your bus company carefully.  We unfortunately picked a middle-eastern company that pissed me off with lengthy delay after lengthy delay.  Patronize a Norwegian bus company!  Their buses run every 15 minutes.  I know for certain..  I had plenty of time to check my watch.

Oslo is modern and expense, but it’s also built on history and thrift.  The bad thing about a cruise is that you often must rush.  Oslo is not the kind of city you can explore in a few hours.  Sure you can see the sights, but with any city worth mentioning you need to hang out in the pubs, check out the restaurants, chat with the locals.  Oslo is no exception.

Shopping, drinking, eating...all in Oslo

Oslo's Opera House

One thing I can say with certainty, the sweaters have gotten a lot more expensive!

More tidbits:

Norwegian Krone is the currency.  No Euros here!

Constitutional monarchy, with a parliamentary system and royalty is King Harald V, King of Norway, Prince of Denmark, and Prince of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg.  See what I mean about Sweden, Denmark, and Norway’s histories being tangled.

* Want to know more about Edvard Munch’s life  The 1976 eponymous film, by Peter Watkins, was called by Swedish director Ingmar Bergman, “a work of genius.’

More Verbal Perversions

Countries where English predominates.

Amoebic minds are trashing the noble English tongue!  Something must be done! I’ve tried to carry this heavy burden alone.  Now I’m begging for help!  I know what you’re thinking.  There are other big issues.  Crime.  Poverty.  World Peace. No beer in the frig. Fourth and ten with time running out.  Well, sure.  But, nothing tops the scandalous abuse of English, especially by people who ought to know better!  Heard a three star general say, “Send it to your commander or I.”  Are you f-ing kiddin’ me? What ever happened to court-martial offenses?  English is a cuddly, helpless kitten, shamelessly abused by mongrel language dogs that need to be put down.  Grab your 1^st Amendment verbal weapons and learn how to use them! 

Think of the hundreds of millions of English speakers around the world, all crying “HELP ME!”  Check out the map showing countries where English is either the official language, or predominantly spoken.  For some reason, the map excluded Scandinavia, Western Europe, and China, where tens of millions are fluent. Don’t forget all those little island dots!  English is the used all over the Pacific and the Caribbean, and parts of California and Texas.  Plus, there’s the United Nations, the International Olympic Committee, and the International Civil Aviation Administration (ICAO). ICAO blankets the world!  Think of English as the verbal ocean; a sweeping flow of international communication on which modern life depends! Time to stand united and fight back. Civilization depends on it.

Check these perversions and see what I mean:

Absolutely – Means never varied or modified.  Oh yeah?  No longer.  “Want to go to the store with me?”  “Absolutely!”  Ok, bring your money.  You’re paying.  “Wait a sec….I’ll take back my ‘absolutely’and wring its skinny neck in a basin of irregular verbs.” 

Having said that – “Having said that, I didn’t mean what I just said and now will add verbiage that negates what I just said and that I also don’t mean.”

Asking rhetorical questions and answering them yourself - Sportscasters are notorious.  “Do I mean the Equatorial Monkey Riders will never win another game?  No!  Do I think Easy Pickins will win the Kentucky Derby by a nose? No!”  Do you think your thinking means a rat’s ass?

Where are you at? – Right at the end of my linguistic rope!  “Where are you?”

Some words are like costume jewelry dressing up shabby sentences.

Arguably – Leaves room to weasel out. “Arguably Janet is the most desirable woman in the world, or not, depending on if my wife, Margaret is listening.”  Well, which is it, you pussy?

Extant – Did you mean to say, ‘in existence,’ or did you mean to say ‘best’?  Don’t beat around the foliage! Grab that verbal cockroach by its exoskeleton and let’s see some green juice!

Perversions don’t stop with the spoken word.  Consider trite plots and phrases in today’s so-called thrillers.  They’d thrill me more by being as inventive as say, a mentally challenged monkey with a coconut:

Gone Rogue – Gone trite!  Is it my imagination or have all agents gone rogue?  Are all intelligence agencies honeycombed with corruption?  I wait in vain for a perfectly adjusted agent, with no drinking problems and a yen to follow the rules. An agency that knew what the hell it was doing would also be a cold slosh of water for a thirsty mind. And how about those crazy spies who drive $100,000 cars, sleep in $1000 Hotel rooms and wear designer suits?  “I was going to be an anonymous assassin and then I thought, what the hell...”

Techno Perfect – “He down shifted smoothly in his Diablo V, with its six-speed Teltronic, Electroglide transmission.  The 600 horses under the fiber optic equipped, graphite-titanium composite hood delivered more torque than an ambidextrous cheerleader at a nude rodeo.” He drove away really, really fast would have done the job.  Hope the quiz at the end of the book is true-false. 

Dishonest Politicians – well, maybe we should keep this one…

Sex Scenes – Anyone read any realistic sex scenes? Usually the guy is embarrassingly romantic, never yearns for a turgid nipple, and constantly waxes idyllic about lilacs and the glow of the sun on her naked body.  He remembers the sun?   You kiddin’?  The guy’s libido must be tinged with essence of saltpeter. Imagine this guy in a war novel.  He pulls the pin on a grenade, then takes a moment to marvel at the shape, the beauty and simplicity of the design, and how his mom used to toss sun ripened apples to him on those blissful autumn days.

Heard more awkward words and phrases?  Send ‘em along so I can alert the docile populace.  Meanwhile, stay tuned and for the love of heaven, join me in the war on Verbal Perversions.

What can you do?  Plenty.  Correct your ignorant kids and their worthless friends, or vice versa.  Alienate your lazy-language companions.  Make a nuisance of yourself.  It’s fun once you get the hang of being alone. 

Write Amazon book reviews using words like mulch, garbage, rubbish, and compost.  Don’t be afraid to use alliteration.  “Slugging through this swamp of sweeping slime shames the symphonic syllables of English.”  Keep it up until you’re blacklisted and only allowed to read my blog.

Remember, we’re all in this together!

Intriguing Stockholm

Stockholm fascinates without even trying. Vibrant city.  Modern as glass and steel, and old as cobblestones and weathered brick.   Men picture tall, blond women.  Women picture tall, blond men.  Walking the streets, you see a brunette and suddenly think, Mutant!

Brunettes are more common than you’d think.  Lots of immigrants, which make up about a quarter of the population. The Vikings are long gone.  Peace reins, except for the occasional riot.  You may have read the recent Stockholm riots by, dare I say it…let’s put it this way, immigrants from arid areas around the southern edge of the Mediterranean Sea who are not Jewish.

“First, tell me something about Sweden!”  Ok. Ok. Don’t panic…

Politically, where does Sweden stand?  I know that’s a burning question.  After centuries of conquest, Sweden embraced neutrality in the early 19^th Century.  Blame Napoleon.  It’s a twisted, knotted rope, but most things military and political are.  Russia wanted help against France.  As part of the plan, Sweden ceded Finland to Russia and then pressured Denmark to cede Norway to Sweden. Strange way of doing business, if you ask me, which nobody has.

More recent news about Sweden’s neutrality.  Long story.  Happy ending.  Sweden is not a part of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO), but works in close cooperation.  Sweden is a member of the European Union, which kinda slaps neutrality in its pallid, fence-sitting face.  But, like England, Iceland, and all the Scandinavian countries, Sweden kept its own currency.  England’s is the Pound Sterling and the rest are called Crown, but with the country’s name in front, hence Swedish Kronor.

Did you know Sweden has a king?  Carl XVI Gustaf has reined since 1973 and his wife, Queen Silvia is German, from Heidelberg.  But when you get out of the Middle East and into Europe, it’s always the same with the monarchies, figureheads in a parliamentary system.

Ok, enough dallying.  What about Stockholm?  By the way, the ex-Vikings pronounce it Stock-kolm.  And what’s the Swedish language sound like?  Sounds sorta like a soft German, but without the heel clicking and drinking songs.

Stockholm is doubtlessly one of the cleanest cities you’ll visit.  Everything is picture perfect, from the narrow cobblestone streets, dotted with stores and pastry shops, to the colorfully painted buildings, grand museums, palace, and churches.

Here’s something you may not know, Stockholm rests on 14 islands, at the end of Lake Mälaren.  Info good for a bar bet.  Wanta double down?  Mälaren is a fresh water lake.

What’s there to see and do?  Start with Stadshuset, City Hall, dating from 1923.  Can’t miss it, with its tower and red brick.  It’s here that the city government meets and also where the annual Nobel Prize Dinner is held for 1300 lucky guests.  Don’t miss the breathtaking Gold Room, decorated with over a million gold tiles, including one wall set with an image of The Queen of Lake Mälaren, representing Stockholm being honored from all sides.

The fabulous Gold Room

Blue Room, home of the Nobel Dinner

Chamber of Deputies

The Ceiling patterned after Viking ships' timbers

Classic Swedish style.  Simple, yet elegant.

Don’t miss the Vasamuseet (Vasa museum), dedicated to a single ship and a failed one at that.  In 1628, just 20 minutes into it’s maiden voyage the huge warship,Vesa, sank.  Stayed on the bottom until 1961 and got it’s own museum in 2000. Somehow the Swedes seem fixated on this ship and apparently so is the rest of the world, to the tune of over 29 million visitors.  The ship is stunning, I’ll concede that, but also the personal items recovered are interesting and remarkably intact.

To judge the size of the ship, look at the people below and to the right.

Sit down for a Fika, which is Swedish for coffee, cake and, hey lookie at those cupcakes.  Indoors, outdoors, take your pick.

A couple of museums you don’t want to sidestep.  First off is the National Museum, featuring art through the ages.  One of the biggies is Gustav Vasa's Entry into Stockholm. That’s King Gustav, not the ship, which never made it out of port.

Moderna Museet.  It’s Stockholm’s modern art museum and the place where the world met names like Andy Warhol, Jean Tinguely, Robert Rauschenberg, Niki de Saint Phalle.  Of course all your old favorites, such as Picasso, Pollock, and Dali are also represented.

Most of all, find a place to look down on the city.  Watch the boats and water taxis plow through the water, marvel at the skyline, listen the beating heart of the largest of all Scandinavian cities.

Then go grab an expensive beer, or a semi-expensive coffee and hey, check out those blonds!

"Small Potatoes."  How often have you heard that?  You're standing naked in the kitchen and suddenly your wife blurts out,"Small potatoes." Fortunately, she's not staring at you.  She's looking in the pantry.

Relief and anxiety.  Anxiety turns to erotic, small potato possibilities.

“I have a luncheon today and need to bring something.  What can ‘we’ make with small potatoes?”

It’s the royal ‘we.’  Hot stove and hotter grease await you and you alone.  Erotic images melt like cotton candy in a rainstorm. Thoughts morph to the vision of hot grease on a man’s jolly jingles.  Apron!  No, wait!  Socks, shoes, trousers, shirt, then an apron.  Oven mitts. A morning of ‘safe cooking.’

Remember those days when she would have forgotten about those potatoes?  Remember those days when you had no idea whose kitchen you were in?

Small Potatoes That Ain’t

The necessities:

4.5 pounds (2.2 kilos) of small potatoes

An inch depth of cooking oil in a medium sized saucepan

2.5 Cups homemade bread crumbs (see very helpful suggestion below)

1 stick butter

Salt and pepper to taste

2 heaping Tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro

2 heaping Tablespoons of freshly grated Parmesan cheese.

Doin’ the small potato shuffle:

Heat the oven to 400ºF or 200ºC. 

Put the oil in the saucepan and heat it on the stovetop to 350ºF or 175ºC.

Wash the potatoes and partially peel them.  I leave stripes of peeling on the potatoes.

Dry the potatoes and put the first batch in the hot grease.  Continue until all potatoes are ready for the oven.  The point of the fry is to get a nice roasted look on the outside.  They don’t have to cook completely.  You’re going to finish them in the oven.  As the potatoes fry to a nice brown, set them in the baking dish.

When all are nicely browned, put the baking dish in the pre-heated, 400ºF oven.  30 minutes should be enough to finish the cooking job.

As the potatoes bake, make the buttered breadcrumbs.

Breadcrumbs:

I make my own and here’s how.  Crumble enough stale baguette pieces in your food processor to make 2.5 cups.  If you don’t have a stale baguette, use any stale bread, or use fresh bread slices and either bake them, or leave them out overnight.  I detest the prepared breadcrumbs that come in a can, part of a long list of things I detest!

Put the butter in a skillet, let it melt and add the breadcrumbs.  Mix well.  Doesn’t matter if the breadcrumbs brown or not, but you want them all buttery.

Putting it all together:

Pull the baked potatoes from the oven, sprinkle over-generously with the buttered breadcrumbs.  Salt and pepper to taste. Scatter the Parmesan cheese and put the baking dish back in the oven.  Bake until the breadcrumbs are a toasty brown, about 5 to 10 minutes.  Watch that oven like a hungry hawk!

Remove the dish from the oven and sprinkle on the chopped cilantro.

Voilá!  Small potatoes have just become a big, scrumptious, crowd-pleasing part of your fantastic culinary repertoire!

Now, go ambush the wife.

Cruisin' On Tha Briney

Ocean Princess

Emerald Princess on the right

 The Last time we cruised was years ago, in the Caribbean.  Very family friendly and incidentally there were things for the grownups to do.  Didn't set my hair on fire to throw time and money at it again.

This summer was entirely different.  Two cruises.  Happy faces!  High fives!  Mostly adult activities. “What do you mean by activities?” he leered.  Dance classes:  Salsa, ballroom, line.  Photography classes taught by pros.  Art history class.  Wine tasting.  Cooking.  Exercise classes.  Comedians.  Floor shows.  Magicians.   Six luxurious bars, to linger over a martini and ogle the pony-tailed serving staff. Much more.  You really have to pace yourself!  I’m referring, of course, to the 40 different styles of martinis.

 

Pouring 9 Martinis at once

Fruit carving demo

Scottish Dancers

Both cruises were with Princess Line, a Carnival Corporation property.  Carnival owns a good portion of the name-brand cruise lines.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carnival_Corporation_%26_plc

Which brings us to the whys and wherefores. 

What’s the best way to pick a cruise?  First, a few questions and the first one is not about the cruise line.  Where do you want to go and for how long?  Thirdly, when you nailed down those first two, which ship is the newest?  That tells you a lot about luxury and service and whether the paint will be peeling.  I’m drawing an unreasonably stark picture.  Cruising competition is keen and most ships are well kept.  Still, after a few days, if you’re a cruise veteran, as yours truly now is, your practiced eye will notice a difference.

The Emerald Princess, launched in 2007, was close to top of the line.  We sailed on E.P. for 12 days around the Baltic.  Wonderful ship.  Emerald is large, with almost 4000 passengers.  I figured that might be a little crowded, a drag on the limited facilities.  Big surprise.  No trouble at all.  With so many customers, the onboard agenda was packed with things to do.  Never saw an unreasonably large crowd.  Never saw a tour cancelled due to lack of participation.  Never saw a pool or a hot tub overcrowded or closed for repairs.  Service was superb.  Anytime I wanted a libation, on deck, in my room, or in one of the exquisite lounges, a smiling staff member obliged.

Our second cruise was on the Ocean Princess, launched in 1999 and refurbished in 2009.  Ocean Princess took us around the British Isles and Ireland for 8 days.  At 680 passengers, it’s a much smaller ship, with fewer onboard activities and some tours cancelled due to fewer people signing up.  The ship was very comfortable, but showed its age.  Hot tubs frequently closed for maintenance. Automatically opening doors didn’t.  Just a few things that were rougher than the Emerald Princess.  The common rooms were just as elegant…. meaning damn elegant, but of course were smaller.  Service was still wonderful.

Emerald Princess Showroom

In the Wheelhouse Bar

Much to my surprise and prejudice, the larger, newer ship suited my taste.

I’m slicing the apple thinly.  Both vessels met high standards and I would gladly take a cruise on either one again, however, if I had a choice…

What’s good about a cruise?  Can’t I just pick out some cities, fly there, stay in a hotel and have a better time?  Depends.  Many of the cities we thoroughly enjoyed, I’d either never heard of, or would never have gone to on my own. 

Baltic Cruise:  Tallin, Estonia.  St Petersburg, Russia.  Helsinki, Finland.  Stockholm, Sweden. Copenhagen, Denmark.  Oslo, Norway.  Aarhus, Denmark.

Great Britain-Ireland:  Dover, England.  St. Peter’s Port, Guernsey, U.K.  Dartmouth, England.  Waterford, Ireland.  Dublin, Ireland. Edinburgh, Scotland.

Ever hear of Tallin?  We hadn’t either.  Now it’s one of our favorite places:

http://stroudallover.blogspot.de/2013/07/tallinn-estonia-cutest-place-youve.html

Think you’d pick Dartmouth off a map of England? 

http://stroudallover.blogspot.de/2013/09/dartmouth-pilgrims-castles-and-war.html

Think you’d have much luck touring all of Scandinavia in 12 days?

The question boils down to survey versus depth.  I don’t suggest a cruise if your heartfelt desire is to learn Swedish, or herd reindeer in northern Norway.

How about the cost?  Aren’t cruises super expensive?  Can be.  Don’t have to be.  A little planning goes well with any excursion, whether you’re shopping for airfare, hotels, or cruises.  Cruise lines are known for their deep discounts and here’s where to find them:

http://www.vacationstogo.com/

http://www.cruisecritic.com/

Both sites are loaded with info, from cost to details about the ships.  On Princess Line, all meals are included and the meals are always interesting and very high quality.  Feel like sunning by the pool, downing a cool one and noshing a pizza?  Feel like a lavish, multi-course meal?  You can do either one, or both, or anything in between.  All included.

Alcoholic drinks are extra, as are specialty coffees.  No matter.  You can spend a bunch on drinks and still come in well under the high prices for all-inclusive cruises. Pretty much like the airlines, right?  Economy versus First Class.  The big difference being that going cheap on a cruise does not mean the food is less than wonderful and having to sleep with your knees tucked under your chin.

Looking down on the balconies

Pool deck on the Ocean Princess

Cruise suites, of course, are luxurious and huge, but lesser accommodations ain’t bad.  On our Baltic cruise we opt for a room with a balcony and paid a couple of hundred more.  On our Britain-Ireland tour, the balconies were sold out, but we got a room with a picture-window ocean view that was almost as good.  Both rooms were spacious and delightfully appointed.  Definitely not what you’d call economy rooms.

What’s the bottom price line?  You can find deals that cost $100 a day or less, per person, first class meals included.  Stack that up against the cost of meals and luxury hotel rooms!  On a cruise you also get sea views, entertainment, sunsets, and a bed that gently rocks and lulls you to sleep.

I’m a convert.  Cruises are fun, cheap, and a wonderful way to relax, while cooks, bartenders, and maids bust their hinnies to keep you comfortable and happy.  In the end, travel always boils down to time, money, interest, and style.  For my money, time, interests and style, I’m looking forward to our 

next cruise.

Famous White Cliffs of Dover

Try and get a view like this from your hotel room!